Furious with son and hid girlfriend

[MyLoyalAmberHelper]

DS mid 20's has been with GF a couple of years. Known each other since school. DS is ASD and although very clever, he does struggle with navigating relationships.
We all like GF, he is crazy about her always saying how amazing she is etc.She is very successful and moved away for a new job, he initially spent a lot of time with her as she was lonely. She has settled in now, and he sees her every other week for 4 or 5 days, usually travelling to her she comes to him once ior twice a month, and visits family and friends at the same time.
.He pays her "keep"when he stays half the bills and food, but also gives her money towards her mortgage. I reduced his rent at home as he is only here half the time. I was a bit surprised when i found out how much he gives her each month. I said i did think it was fair to pay half the bills and food when he's there, but thought paying towards the mortgage wasn't very fair. She also stays at ours a fair bit and i wouldn't dream of asking for anything.
last weekend we had a family dinner with all his siblings and she was joking, but being quite nasty about him. I didn't say anything but my DD said to me she was uncomfortable and felt the comments derogatory.
Suddenly he announces they have decided mutually to see other people. I am certain this is her choice, as he is besotted with her. He invited a girl (an old friend round) i said i felt uncomfortable, but he said GF was seeing other people also. I am really cross as i feel she is taking advantage of him, and i think he's going to get hurt. I am feeling really angry and don't really want her round here anymore. We have anyways treated her as one of the family. I cant tell him what to do but i am worried about him being taken advantage of. Am i being unreasonable not wanting to welcome her in my home any more? I also worry that his friend (who has always liked him) will get hurt as i think he's just inviting her round so he can say its a.mutual thing with the GF. Do i try and talk to him, or let him get on with it? Should i carry on letting her stay here, what do i do about the friend coming round. I just feel uncomfortable in my own home. I don't want to alienate him, we get along well, but im worried about him and angry with her it seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it, i just want to tell him to call it a day, if she wants to see other people she clearly don't have respect for him. Sorry about the rant.

I think there’s more to this than simply being able to afford a place of his own. OP will know how reasonable or otherwise it is to expect a move towards living independently.

I think this is very normal early 20s behaviour.

I wouldn't get too involved other than give advice when asked.

I think she's pretty silly to get him to pay part of her mortgage, does he have that in writing at all?

IANAL and I'm only going on what they told me, but a DD of some friends of ours did similar and our friends ended up having to pay the ex-bf a five figure lump sum when they broke up because it had given him an interest in the property.

I think the open relationship business probably means this relationship has run it's course, but it's not unusual at that age to want to meet more than one person, test the waters, see if you can do better etc. Being positive OP, he has used it as an opportunity to meet other women, I'd be a lot more worried if he was sat waiting on her whilst she met other men. Hopefully he'll meet someone better and he can ditch her.

I don't think YABU to cool on this gf though, she's unlikely to be a keeper so no need to treat her as one of the family.

I would actually be pleased but keep it to myself. Means itll stop paying towards her mortage the cheeky cow has been taking advantage of him.

This sounds sensible, if it is how you feel and you can do it in a supportive way.

Is he still contributing towards her mortgage? Not sure what you can do about it, but seems like she could be taking advantage of him if he is. If he is now spending less time there, it might be worth having a talk about him paying a bit more rent now you assume he will be paying less to girl friend. You could offer to increase his rent but put it in a savings account for him.

When men whine about awful gold digging women, I tend to think who are they because I don’t know any, well she is one of them. He should contribute towards the bills when there but not the mortgage.

It is up to them what they do now adult but if anything is or verges on abuse rears it head then I would be saying something. I would mention the mortgage payment and I would say only committed relationships can stay. Letting her still stay is a thorny issue. You don’t want to push him away and this is a potential source of doing that but I do not know your personality type, I would struggle to keep quiet.

Oh my, what a process to navigate without interfering but also protecting your own.

Id be inclined to say to ds that now they are not exclusive its going to be difficult having different girl friends over - and also shows a lack of respect to his family having what could appear like a revolving door of girls friends and sends a message your not comfortable with to other family members

yes girlfriends can come round but not staying overnight etc as it becomes weird.

This would be my feelings on the matter, regardless of not liking the principal girl friend.

Ive lived with a teen and 20s something and although they had different friends over - they were one at a time and I wouldn't;t have wanted more than one at a time as it paints a different picture

As for talking to him - sit down and listen, ask many different questions but don't judge his answers. Literally place your hand over your mouth and listen to what he has to say, probe but don't tell him what you think. Do you want this/ how do you feel about it? how does it make you feel?

She's moved on with her life, you cant stick with your boyfriend from school for ever, they were always going to end once she moved away.

You need to stop seeing the now ex GF as part of the family, she isnt.
The new girl might be a rebound thing, but thats for her to take the risk on.

I would be worried too.
Relationships can be difficult to navigate anyway with ASD without opening it up and then paying her mortgage.

Ultimatly though he’s an adult. I wouldn’t ban her from your home or risk your relationship with your son when he’s so vulnerable. I would be there for him and be ready to pick up the pieces.

What about the money side?

It does sound as if she is trying to stealth dump him and keep the money, which is really shitty. You could possibly point that out but he won’t listen.
They sound incompatible and they are too young to settle down anyway so it’s probably a blessing in disguise.
I would just let it play out and be there when the shit hits the fan.

How old is your daughter? Was she able to talk to her brother about the upsetting comments the girlfriend made?

You don’t want to alienate him so you will have to tread gently. Increase his rent back up so there’s less cash for the girlfriend’s board and be neutral if she does come but also you need to be ready to respond if she makes further derogatory comment about your son. She doesn’t sound particularly nice and yes it does sound like she wants out.

Have you had a chat ( a light chat..!) about this other girl and how to be careful with her feelings for him?

If they're seeing other people and he can't afford to move out of the family home then he absolutely should not be paying any part of her mortgage! She does sound like she's using him, to be honest, but I'm not sure what you can do about it unfortunately - I know with my ASD DD if I tried to say anything in a situation like that she'd dig her heels in even more.

Does he want to leave home and live independently? Maybe try talking to him about using that money to save for a deposit etc, without pinning it to the girlfriend's behaviour? It's a tricky one.

I’ve got a 23 year old son who is at home. If this was him, I would just not get involved in anything.

I wouldn’t have decreased his board money, especially if she was staying at my house regularly. What he does with the rest of his money is his own business.

Chalk it up as life experience.

She's took the piss sure, but he's never getting that money back, just needs to ensure it doesnt happen again in future.

I always think this is the downside of bringing a girlfriend into the family fold in the way you describe. Wife - yes. Girlfriend - you run the risk of feeling really personally offended about something that really isn’t your business. He is a man. How he spends his money is up to him. It might be worth suggesting it’s time for him to get a room share somewhere and then he’s not under your roof and seeing the girlfriend won’t be so much of a thing for you. It also means he’ll have to grow up a bit and won’t have so much money to throw at the girlfriend.

Where on earth does the OP say that?? 🙄

She wants the 'GF' to stop taking her son for a ride! Paying GF's mortgage - do you think for one second he's actually on the deeds - of course not! And suddenly "seeing other people" when they've been exclusive up to now, the nasty comments, even with family there, how does she talk to him when they're alone??

It would seem that along with losing her feelings for him she has also lost any respect, and that's absolutely not OK

As PPs have said GF appears to now have a new life and OP's DS is now only wanted for his money and a place to stay when she comes back to visit. That's just wrong, even without the added factor of DS's ASD.

I would be concerned OP, sounds to me like from her point the relationship has run it's course now she has a fancy new job and life but she doesn't want to end it with him probably because he's essentially paying half her bills and mortgage! So she's stringing him along until she finds someone else

My parents were fine with me having boyfriends etc when younger, but the rule has always been, and still is; I can only sleep in a bed with someone at mum and dad's, if we're married or cohabiting (both names on the rental or mortgage).

No way would I be allowed a casual partner (let alone multiple!). I think that's fair. If he wants to shag about, the family home isn't the place to do it: he needs a bachelor pad.

As for the gf, I can see why you're disappointed that they've broken up (or whatever), and saddened by her being quite unkind. But quite often, that's young love, unfortunately. Not much you can do.

I think you would have got different comments if youd reversed the sexes here. She is putting him down infront of his own family and making money out of her own boyfriend staying over. If this was reversed people would say it was looking like it was turning into an abusive relationship.

I'd be asking him how he feels about the comments she made, and would he make comments like that to her. He will likely say that she was only joking but will still sew the seeds that it's not ok.

I'd also be asking her for a contribution when she visits (unless it's very infrequent like a night a month).

I'd put my foot down at random partners staying over though and remind him he has to be honest with other people about his relationship with his gf (eg does his other friend know he is still 'with' his gf)

I welcome into my home any guest of my adult DC who they want to invite, provided the person is polite and respectful. Starting down a path of deciding who to include or exclude based on your judgement of things outside of that massively over complicates your life and takes up a lot of head space with things outside of your control. If you feel DS is being exploited then that's an issue to address through conversation with him.

I’m not surprised you’re angry with her, I would be. But don’t be angry with your DS. What he’s doing is largely because he has Asd and she’s taking the piss out of him.

There’s no way he should be contributing towards her mortgage, and joking about at a family meal, shows contempt.

Because of the Asd factor, I would definitely be having a good long chat with him, BUT wait until you’ve calmed down. Don’t push him away, he really needs someone (you) to help him.

I understand why you feel worried OP I'd feel concerned too. However he is capable of making his own decisions, and he has the right to find out for himself whether he made a good choice or a bad choice and to learn from his own experiences. So yanbu for feeling as you do but you would be unreasonable if you tried to intervene.

^^This

He absolutely has to stop pouring his money down the drain

I can understand completely why you wouldn’t want this in your house. I would say.. You are an adult and I can’t dictate who you go out with but I’m not comfortable in having her here anymore so you will have to find somewhere else to stay when she visits.
Hopefully it fizzles out.