Furious with son and hid girlfriend

[MyLoyalAmberHelper]

DS mid 20's has been with GF a couple of years. Known each other since school. DS is ASD and although very clever, he does struggle with navigating relationships.
We all like GF, he is crazy about her always saying how amazing she is etc.She is very successful and moved away for a new job, he initially spent a lot of time with her as she was lonely. She has settled in now, and he sees her every other week for 4 or 5 days, usually travelling to her she comes to him once ior twice a month, and visits family and friends at the same time.
.He pays her "keep"when he stays half the bills and food, but also gives her money towards her mortgage. I reduced his rent at home as he is only here half the time. I was a bit surprised when i found out how much he gives her each month. I said i did think it was fair to pay half the bills and food when he's there, but thought paying towards the mortgage wasn't very fair. She also stays at ours a fair bit and i wouldn't dream of asking for anything.
last weekend we had a family dinner with all his siblings and she was joking, but being quite nasty about him. I didn't say anything but my DD said to me she was uncomfortable and felt the comments derogatory.
Suddenly he announces they have decided mutually to see other people. I am certain this is her choice, as he is besotted with her. He invited a girl (an old friend round) i said i felt uncomfortable, but he said GF was seeing other people also. I am really cross as i feel she is taking advantage of him, and i think he's going to get hurt. I am feeling really angry and don't really want her round here anymore. We have anyways treated her as one of the family. I cant tell him what to do but i am worried about him being taken advantage of. Am i being unreasonable not wanting to welcome her in my home any more? I also worry that his friend (who has always liked him) will get hurt as i think he's just inviting her round so he can say its a.mutual thing with the GF. Do i try and talk to him, or let him get on with it? Should i carry on letting her stay here, what do i do about the friend coming round. I just feel uncomfortable in my own home. I don't want to alienate him, we get along well, but im worried about him and angry with her it seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it, i just want to tell him to call it a day, if she wants to see other people she clearly don't have respect for him. Sorry about the rant.

Agree with this. It does sound as though she’s just stringing him along for the money now. Obviously you have to let him make his own choices, but you can chat to him about what you think, and/or have his sisters or dad do the same. And you don’t have to let her stay at yours, or his other friend. You can say that only exclusive and committed partners are able to stay.

If he's paying 'mortgage and bills' when he is staying with her, then it does sound like she is taking advantage of him, without the ASD I would say let him get on with it, but it does sound financially abusive/coercive tbh. She will likely keep him around as a cash cow, and that is where the seeing other people comes from, she wants the best of both worlds.

I'd have a gentle chat with him and encourage him to stop paying her mortgage and bills, or perhaps gradually reduce the visits as a test to see what happens, because, if she is keeping him around for the money, chances are when the money dries up she will resolve the situation and break up with him.

I'd struggle to have her round and pretend everything is okay though to be honest, but for his sake you may have to keep things civil for now and hope it fizzles out, with any luck if he is seeing other people he may meet someone else and lose interest in her.

The money is very concerning though.

You can stop her from visiting your house. You can't stop your son from seeing her. It's really that simple.

It does sound like she wants her cake and eat it, hopefully it fizzles out.

Update, i too your advice and had a chat with him this morning. He said he's ok with everything , as are all those involved and he understands how i feel. He's going to have a discussion with the gf about contributing money, and not bring other gils round. I said happy for female friends to come round occasionally, as i am with his mates but definitely not stay over and he's fine with that. I said i am worried someone will get hurt (especially him) but will not speak about it with him again, but here if he needs me . Thanks everyone

Is he still contributing towards her mortgage? Anything else aside, that needs to stop.

Is there a suggestion he doesn’t have capacity to make decisions? Because I worry that this has turned into a thought that he can’t make decisions. Ultimately it is more dangerous for people with disabilities to be treated as if they cannot make decisions for themselves, then to be permitted to make bad decisions.

People make decisions every day I wouldn’t make. And with ADHD I frequently make decisions NT people think are insane (typically ‘risky’ behaviours). I should not be prevented from making them though.

It’s just as likely that the GF has cooled a little, still wants him as a casual hook-up and doesn’t want a cocklodger in her house so he needs to contribute. He still lives at home so there is that risk.

I think OP is handling fine, without assuming he is unable to make his own stupid 20-year-old choices.

He pays half the bills and food when he stays there. The OP doesn't say whether this is the entirety of the "keep" that he pays her.
But paying part of the mortgage as well is taking the piss.

But if this is traceable he could as for some equity off the property.

Play her at her own game - £50 per night she stays perhaps, and increase your DS rent, you can always save it in an account secretly so he can get his own mortgage at some point in the future!

There's room for backing off and letting your grown-up kids do their own thing, but not to the extent of letting them be financially exploited by so-called romantic partners! Especially when they're vulnerable due to disability.

No because she wants to sleep around and still use op’s home as an option too. I would sit down and tell him that he doesn’t have to accept this just because he wants to be with her.

I know it’s not the point of this thread, but how has she got a mortgage as a single person at such a young age? Is her family loaded? If so, all the more reason for her not to ask for money from your son.