Furious with son and hid girlfriend

[MyLoyalAmberHelper]

DS mid 20's has been with GF a couple of years. Known each other since school. DS is ASD and although very clever, he does struggle with navigating relationships.
We all like GF, he is crazy about her always saying how amazing she is etc.She is very successful and moved away for a new job, he initially spent a lot of time with her as she was lonely. She has settled in now, and he sees her every other week for 4 or 5 days, usually travelling to her she comes to him once ior twice a month, and visits family and friends at the same time.
.He pays her "keep"when he stays half the bills and food, but also gives her money towards her mortgage. I reduced his rent at home as he is only here half the time. I was a bit surprised when i found out how much he gives her each month. I said i did think it was fair to pay half the bills and food when he's there, but thought paying towards the mortgage wasn't very fair. She also stays at ours a fair bit and i wouldn't dream of asking for anything.
last weekend we had a family dinner with all his siblings and she was joking, but being quite nasty about him. I didn't say anything but my DD said to me she was uncomfortable and felt the comments derogatory.
Suddenly he announces they have decided mutually to see other people. I am certain this is her choice, as he is besotted with her. He invited a girl (an old friend round) i said i felt uncomfortable, but he said GF was seeing other people also. I am really cross as i feel she is taking advantage of him, and i think he's going to get hurt. I am feeling really angry and don't really want her round here anymore. We have anyways treated her as one of the family. I cant tell him what to do but i am worried about him being taken advantage of. Am i being unreasonable not wanting to welcome her in my home any more? I also worry that his friend (who has always liked him) will get hurt as i think he's just inviting her round so he can say its a.mutual thing with the GF. Do i try and talk to him, or let him get on with it? Should i carry on letting her stay here, what do i do about the friend coming round. I just feel uncomfortable in my own home. I don't want to alienate him, we get along well, but im worried about him and angry with her it seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it, i just want to tell him to call it a day, if she wants to see other people she clearly don't have respect for him. Sorry about the rant.

I'd tell him to do what he wants but don't bring anyone back here including his "girlfriend". Only when he's in a serious one to one relationship can he start introducing them to family. That way you don't ever get involved in his experimental mess. If he questions it tell him, it's my house and my rules.

Exactly this. And while she has him dancing to her tune, funding her mortgage, he can't pay as much at his home, let alone save to be able to move out himself.

It very much is OP's business as it is impacting her household and making her uncomfortable in her own home.

A conversation with him about how he is feeling about it is needed, to help him decide for himself if this is really what he wants.

Hmmmmm, I think you need to talk to your DS to try to help him understand that the way his GF is behaving will leave him heart broken. Really, he should end it.

But you say he is besotted with her. I think that’s a heavy burden for her. She’s not behaving ideally or even well, but she’s 20 and may not want to hurt him. It looks like she wants out, but his obsession with her may mean she feels constrained. She may be experiencing his besottedness as borderline controlling but doesn’t have the language or experience to articulate that, so “seeing other people” is her clumsy way of getting out of the relationship.

I think you’re within your moral/ethical rights and your care for your DS not to want her in your home, but I don’t think it’s simple. Your son’s emotional clumsiness - he’s besotted, which can be hard to bear by the other person - is part of the muddled situation.

OP if you’re right and it’s the GF who wants the open relationship, you need to take an old adage on board. When a partner suggests seeing other people it’s a good indication that they already are. And it strongly suggests that your son is not what she wants long term so she’s started looking elsewhere. I also think the fact that your son has stuck with the familiar, and is seeing someone he already knew and considered a friend, instead of exploring the possibility of someone new, is very telling. It doesn’t sound as though he’s ready to move on.

l understand you’re protective of him, but l wouldn’t interfere beyond telling him that you’re there for him if/when he needs you, and l would also put in boundaries so that his expectation of what’s acceptable as far as bringing other girlfriends home is clear, but from what you’ve said it seems unlikely there’s going to be a revolving door situation.

As hard as it is, l think you should take a step back and let him sort this out for himself, but keep an eye on things - you know your son best so you’ll pick up on any unusual behaviour suggesting problems. I would also have a conversation about money. As others have said, if he’s contributing to her mortgage he may have an interest in her property, which could prove problematic when they inevitably split.

I think you’re right there, but what pressure is your son putting on her? You say he’s besotted. She may experience that rather more extremely.

In your shoes I’d be pleased at any indication they were breaking up,tbh. Otherwise, what @MrsTerryPratchett said.

We all learn by making mistakes, especially when we’re young. He’s an adult. It’s hard seeing children do things you know are likely to end badly but it’s his life. When did your parents ever tell you what to do and you listened?! My mum was fond of “by the time you know I’m right, I’ll be dead”. She’s still here so she was only half right with that statement but I certainly never acted on her advice.

Also, many young people have open/polyamorous relationships. It’s not that unusual. Let him get on with it without your opinions voiced and be there with a sympathetic ear if he gets hurt. Definitely don’t criticise the gf!

I would have a conversation with him on his own and just ask how he’s feeling about the Chang win the relationship, and perhaps drop a few very relaxed lines about how people can sometimes feel pressured to go along with things to make other people happy and you just want to check he’s happy because it’s a surprise given how in love he’s been with GF up to now. He’ll probably throw you off and say it’s fine and he’s happy but at least you’ve put the words out there. I’d probably also comment on being careful about investing money into something that might not last.
as others have said you’re perfectly entitled to say you only want long term committed partners to stay over, he might be having an open relationship but you aren’t.

It's plenty of her business when this shit show is playing out under her roof and involving her somewhat vulnerable son.

Are people honestly so laissez faire about their families?

You are WAY too involved in your adult sons private life.

Are the other person/ people she is seeing also contributing to her bills and mortgage? 🤣

I would have a chat with your son about having his own boundaries about what is ok/ not ok (including gf not speaking to him or about him kindly) and encourage the confidence to speak up if a situation is moving in a direction he's not fully happy with. You can mention the power imbalance if one person is controlling the narrative of a relationship/ finances etc. On the back of that I'd mention how important it is that he's honest/ fair with any other people he's having a relationship with.

Assuming DS never had any type of exposure to therapy for learning about social cues, this is the biggest challenge for most ASD affected people. My brother never learned how to properly deal with interpersonal relationships and therefore struggled his entire life with intermittent coaching from me when he reached out with questions. DS likely needs something similar from an outside source to help navigate this situation and future encounters, depending upon his level of reception. Just don't try to put the genie back in the bottle - let them learn to work with situation and make their own reasonable choices.

Sounds like GF is using him.

Stop trying to manage your son's life. Charge him what's reasonable to live in your house while he does, and let his girlfriend come to stay occasionally if he wants to invite her. Do not pay for him to spend money at her house or going away with her - that's for him to work out.

Hes an adult and this is his situation to navigate. You have no idea what conversations they’ve had and who’s said what. Leave them to it.

You can't do anything about their relationship, but you can do something about your response to it.

(1) I agree with a pp re: using your house as a revolving door. That has to stop. It is disrespectful to you, and he needs to find an alternative space.
(2) If he can afford to underpin a mortgage of a girl that has clearly moved on, I would be asking for more rent (you will need to work up a reasonable excuse for this, bills are shooting up etc).

ASD or not, this is about you and your house. Start thinking about your red lines and boundaries.

It’s your house. You are entitled to refuse to have people in it if you are not comfortable with them as individuals or with the circumstances. I would simply say you don’t want romantic partners in the house unless it’s in the context of what is (or is hoped to be) an exclusive ongoing relationship. This would exclude both the GF and the other unfortunate young woman who seems potentially to be being lined up to be used for sex.

I would also definitely suggest to him that he give serious consideration to whether it is ethical to have any sort of sexual relationship with the other young woman. Has he considered the emotional damage that may do to her? Does he think he is acting as a true friend if he behaves in this way to her?

I would also mention to him that both you and his sister were uncomfortable with the way his GF treated him at the recent event; & remind him that he deserves love & respect & to be appreciated in a relationship. I would also suggest to him that he consider his financial position & whether the payments he is making are appropriate in the circumstances. And I’d leave it at that for now.

Like a PP I think the GF is almost certainly out of the relationship, & fed up with him, but keeping him on for the ££. Horrible behaviour. But I would not say that - at least not yet. I would reconsider in 6 months if he is still being exploited.

I’m surprised by the posters telling you to butt out. Would they say the same if this was a daughter? A young woman with these vulnerabilities being financially exploited by a man who put her down in public while taking her money? I suspect not.

absolutely this 💯

He's being financially abused.......I see this for what it is. She isn't interested in him, she's taking money from him. As he's a vulnerable adult I'd be escalating this tbh.

Is he working towards being able to afford it?

He’s mid-20’s - if he wants a series of gf’s to bring home, he needs his own place. Otherwise he meets them elsewhere/at their homes. Your house is not a knocking shop.

Disagree with PPs that say DS’s autism is an irrelevance. Autism tends to lead to black and white thinking (‘he/she’s my friend/girlfriend and therefore I should be loyal’ is a common belief, even in the face of abuse). Autistic people are more vulnerable to coercive control and abusive relationships, as a result.

As the parent of two autistic YPs, I’m afraid I would sit DS down and have a conversation of what respect and love in a relationship is, what ‘let’s see other people’ really means, and how outside a committed, monogamous, cohabiting relationship it is unreasonable to be expected to contribute towards a mortgage or bills though perfectly reasonable to go dutch on meals out and groceries when you visit.

I do agree that it is important to be supportive of, but not become over-involved in, our DC’s relationships until they have put a ring on it… I once had a BF whose mother took me to one side and said ‘while you are dating my son you are welcome in my home any time you wish to visit him or us, but once/if you stop seeing him we will not want to see you again.’ I was blown away by the harshness and directness, but as an adult totally understand the sentiment (even if I would never say it myself!) - they are dating your DC not wooing the family.

What I’d actually be most concerned about is the financial side of things. Right now he’s essentially paying off some of her mortgage, which means he’s helping her build equity in a property he won’t have any claim to. From his perspective, that money could be going toward his own financial goals - like saving for his own place or future security. It's very unfair for her to expect him to contribute in that way, especially without any protections or agreements in place.

Everything else you mentioned comes down to personal opinions about their choices, which I don’t think is really fair for you to bring up. The financial side, though, is important and definitely worth discussing because it could be putting his long-term future at risk. You could definitely have a level headed discussion about that, but at the end of the day he will make his own choices and you may have to just go along with it.

That's not what she said, at all.

@MyLoyalAmberHelper

youd be better to ask in the SN section, a lot of people just have no clue what it's like to have a young adult child with Asd,

If he can afford to pay her half the mortgage when he stays there he can surely afford to rent his own place. He needs to move towards independence. Perhaps encourage him to focus his energies on getting a better paid job to enable him to do this (and keep him busy job searching).