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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you pet is more important than your partner

97 replies

thisismythrowawayusername · 25/09/2025 16:11

I’ve been seeing a guy for a year. Stay over every other weekend (we’re both nearly 50). See each other twice a week on top of weekends.
Occasional weekends away in the past.
About 6 weeks ago the cat got sick, stay in hospital for a week.
on the day of release we had plans at an upmarket restaurant that had been booked for a while. The vet was open long past when we would have finished. He cancelled our lunch to go collect the cat early and sent me home so he could rebound.
We are due to go abroad (my first time without kids for 10 years). He’s cancelled in case the cat relapses.
He won’t shut the bedroom door if we’re having sex and now, as the cat is used to me, it comes in. Twice he has stopped what he is doing to stroke the cat.
I tried approaching him about it today, to voice my disappointment at going away and to have my logistics acknowledged (I have kids that needed breakfast clubs etc, he does not have kids), and could he focus on me when we are having sex.
To be met with the cat is the most important thing in his life, and they are best friends and nothing will come between them.
AIBU to expect him to at least shut the cat out during sex?

OP posts:
lastattempt · 27/09/2025 12:10

WTF get rid and find a partner who will prioritise you, not animal who craps in a box in his house. This man is choosing an animal over human contact.

Iamthemoom · 27/09/2025 12:11

It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible if you don’t understand or accept the level of love he has for his cat. Other than DD my cats come first tbh but my DH would understand that as he loves them too. Some nights one of ours who needs reassurance can wake us up ( 8 times the other night 😬) and we still adore him!

Before meeting DH I had a cat for about 5 years who was my best friend. We slept together every night, went through some bad times together. If DH hadn’t accepted him and his level of importance in my life it would have been DH that I got rid of and not the cat. Tbh it’s one of the ways I knew dh was ‘the one’ because he bonded so well with my cat.

Laura95167 · 27/09/2025 12:12

Catwalking · 27/09/2025 12:09

Does cat wear a camera? …What on earth difference does having bedroom door open during sex make???!
Think I’ve achieved the; “heard everything now”, 😆.

Hes stopping to pet it...

MyElatedUmberFinch · 27/09/2025 12:12

The sex/door/stroking thing is very weird but I don’t think the rest of it is.

tripleginandtonic · 27/09/2025 12:13

A human partner should be more important. If he was needed to stay at home to look after the cat after an op then that's very different to not shutting the door after sex.

Atina321 · 27/09/2025 12:15

Not putting the cat first would be a red flag really.

I would hope if you had been in hospital for a week he would then prioritise you.

Being jealous of a cat is a you problem.

Catwalking · 27/09/2025 12:22

lastattempt · 27/09/2025 12:10

WTF get rid and find a partner who will prioritise you, not animal who craps in a box in his house. This man is choosing an animal over human contact.

Not all cats wish to ‘crap’ in the house.
As you obviously have no idea about keeping pets I’m surprised you bother to waste your time to make a reply.

weareallcats · 27/09/2025 12:23

I would put my cats before my dh of almost 20 years - only the dc come before the cats. I don’t interact with them during sex though - that is weird.

EdithBond · 27/09/2025 12:33

Sex = YANBU. He should keep the door shut.

Lunch = 50/50. Not unreasonable to collect cat on way back from lunch, but if lunch easily rebooked for following week, equally not unreasonable to postpone, especially if there are extra hourly vet fees.

Holiday = Depends. On who he planned to look after the cat while he was away. If someone housesitting or a close friend or relative going in to feed cat, presumably they can keep an eye on it. If it has to go to a cattery, depends on how much it’d stress the cat while in recovery. Also depends on chances of it relapsing.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 27/09/2025 12:34

Cherrytree86 · 27/09/2025 10:36

@Idontknowhatnametochoose

then you clearly haven’t the right man or woman for you. Maybe one day…

Show quote history

I'm just more of an animal person.

stclementine · 27/09/2025 12:37

I would do all of that for my dog, except the sex bit. Ugh. But then I don’t get any offers of sex so 🤷‍♀️ and my dog is welcome to share my bed (where he lays on his back with all feet in the air as is normal for a golden). Anyone questioning my responsibility to a living creature who totally depends on me would get thrown out of my home and my life.

Skyflyinghigh · 27/09/2025 13:53

I always remember sex with a new guy. Was in all positions and felt a cold nose at my backside. I thought “hey that’s a bit kinky” then realised it was his dog!!!

GlomOfNit · 28/09/2025 09:48

Part of the package of starting a relationship with someone, at your age and his - you both have commitments and emotional ties that have built up without having to take the other person into consideration. You're the same age - it's not like when you were both 23 and were relatively baggage-less.

His cat is clearly a really important part of his life, and perhaps has been for several years, before you came into his life. I think it's part of his package and you just have to accept it. Your children are obviously part of your life and he has to accept that, and accommodate things if anything came up with your children that changed your plans. I don't believe that pets are equivalent to human children in terms of importance myself - but it seems that he does feel this and who is anyone else to tell him otherwise?

If my cat were in danger of getting seriously ill I'd probably cancel or curtail travel, too. I'd be really conflicted but I'd do it.

The cat in the room during sex thing - surely if it really icks you, ask him to kick it out?? Though I must say, we've definitely had cats in the room and they're really not bothered, and I don't feel inhibited having sex in front of a sleeping cat! Grin

Antimimisti · 28/09/2025 09:52

Yes, my cats come first with me.

GlomOfNit · 28/09/2025 09:53

Notmymarmosets · 25/09/2025 17:31

Oh gosh we are super weird then. Dcat wanders about at all times, including in the bedroom.
I would draw the line at stopping to stroke him though.

DH and I sadly don't get it on very often but I'm absolutely sure we've kicked a bloody cat off the bed when need arises! Grin I'll join you in the weird corner. They're just animals, they don't understand what's going on or that it's private. I do often wonder what my cats think of our ability to take our clothes off and be naked though ...

Goditsmemargaret · 28/09/2025 10:26

Sweet Jesus the cat is a different species, not his best friend. And I LOVE my cat. This is weird AF.

Phoenixfire1988 · 28/09/2025 12:04

I have dogs and cats that I love dearly but this gave me the major ick who the fk stops sex to stroke a cat that's just weird . I'd probably call it a day tbh

SassyCow · 28/09/2025 14:59

YANBU with him stopping to stroke his cat during sex. That's very strange behaviour and I can imagine off putting what is supposed to be an intimate time between you and him.

Mirrorxxx · 28/09/2025 15:05

It is very unreasonable for you expect him to go on holiday when his cat is unwell. He wouldn’t enjoy the holiday and would never forgive himself if something happened. You can trust someone to look after your animal but it’s not the same if they are unwell

Cherrytree86 · 29/09/2025 09:16

Mirrorxxx · 28/09/2025 15:05

It is very unreasonable for you expect him to go on holiday when his cat is unwell. He wouldn’t enjoy the holiday and would never forgive himself if something happened. You can trust someone to look after your animal but it’s not the same if they are unwell

@Mirrorxxx

the cat isn’t unwell. It had been ill and went to the vet for treatment and got sorted. So of course he can go away.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/09/2025 09:49

I can understand the not wanting to go away if he's worried the cat is unwell. I would be the same if one of my cats was unwell.

Wanting to leave the door open during sex and actually stopping to pet the cat during sex is weird... I'd be properly icked out by that.

Chiseltip · 29/09/2025 10:02

thisismythrowawayusername · 25/09/2025 16:11

I’ve been seeing a guy for a year. Stay over every other weekend (we’re both nearly 50). See each other twice a week on top of weekends.
Occasional weekends away in the past.
About 6 weeks ago the cat got sick, stay in hospital for a week.
on the day of release we had plans at an upmarket restaurant that had been booked for a while. The vet was open long past when we would have finished. He cancelled our lunch to go collect the cat early and sent me home so he could rebound.
We are due to go abroad (my first time without kids for 10 years). He’s cancelled in case the cat relapses.
He won’t shut the bedroom door if we’re having sex and now, as the cat is used to me, it comes in. Twice he has stopped what he is doing to stroke the cat.
I tried approaching him about it today, to voice my disappointment at going away and to have my logistics acknowledged (I have kids that needed breakfast clubs etc, he does not have kids), and could he focus on me when we are having sex.
To be met with the cat is the most important thing in his life, and they are best friends and nothing will come between them.
AIBU to expect him to at least shut the cat out during sex?

Of course not! Don't be ridiculous.

. . . on the other hand . . . 😐

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