To ask if you pet is more important than your partner

[thisismythrowawayusername]

I’ve been seeing a guy for a year. Stay over every other weekend (we’re both nearly 50). See each other twice a week on top of weekends.
Occasional weekends away in the past.
About 6 weeks ago the cat got sick, stay in hospital for a week.
on the day of release we had plans at an upmarket restaurant that had been booked for a while. The vet was open long past when we would have finished. He cancelled our lunch to go collect the cat early and sent me home so he could rebound.
We are due to go abroad (my first time without kids for 10 years). He’s cancelled in case the cat relapses.
He won’t shut the bedroom door if we’re having sex and now, as the cat is used to me, it comes in. Twice he has stopped what he is doing to stroke the cat.
I tried approaching him about it today, to voice my disappointment at going away and to have my logistics acknowledged (I have kids that needed breakfast clubs etc, he does not have kids), and could he focus on me when we are having sex.
To be met with the cat is the most important thing in his life, and they are best friends and nothing will come between them.
AIBU to expect him to at least shut the cat out during sex?

Yes my dog would come before a partner if they needed to be cared for after being unwell. Equally if I couldn’t have my trusted family member look after them if I was going away I wouldn’t send to kennels.

the door has to be closed for sex though!

I have always come second to a dog. DH comes home from work and will greet the dog before me and the kids. He even uses the utility door and not the front door.

I had a friend round once and she saw DH appear outside the lounge window and found it utterly bizarre he would greet a dog before a wife and kids.

I am not a dog person and DH is. At first there were 'rules' about what the dogs could and couldn't do but now they just rule the house.

The day he lets them in the bedroom is the day I leave.

I’m like that with my pets but I do compromise - partner doesn’t my dogs staring when we have sex so generally we shut them out of the room, lol.

I wouldn't go out with someone with a pet - too limiting re time. I also got asked to move off a sofa because I was sitting in some guy's dog's "spot" like it was Sheldon Cooper. I got the ick and finished it the next day.

DH & I are due to be away this weekend and next. I’ve backed out of both because my old dog (12, ex-stray, appalling life for his first 4 yrs, lots of health issues) has been having issues eating recently - so he’s sometimes hand fed. Which I’ve been doing. It’s not a physical issue it’s a behavioural/anxiety thing. He also has a history of resource guarding so I can’t ask anyone else to risk it.
So I get the health issue side of it and would make the same decision every time.

the sex issue though? Nah, that’s just odd and weird and I say that as someone who frequently sleeps with the dogs on the bed!

^^ 100% - your domestic pet pretty much relies on its owner for pretty much every aspect of its life and welfare

I mean...my dogs are important enough that DH and I live in different countries because he chose his career and I chose having dogs.

If my dogs were sick, I would 100% cancel going out to a meal. Pets depend on their humans, and for that cat to have stayed at the vets that long it must have been seriously sick.

On the sex...I can see your point.

But, ultimately, your logistics/priorities (kids) do not trump his logistics/priorities. You're not compatible.

My dog spent 2 nights in hospital recently. I cancelled joining DH and the kids at an event to pick him up and spend the evening with him.

DH knows I would divorce him b4 getting rid of the dog.

my dog is wonderful. Important to me. Relies on me. So yes I would cancel dinner if my dog had been in hospital.
however I would not cancel a holiday with a significant other “just in case”. I would get a cat sitter to look after the cat if it was me. (Rather than a cattery).

my dog is not allowed upstairs and would definitely be locked out during any hanky panky.

tbh it sounds like you and him are not compatible. Stroking the cat during sex? Geez. That is rude. Walk Away now. He is not the one for you right now.

Thanks for your input everyone. I absolutely understand those that have pets together but this is a relatively new relationship and the start there was none of the cat intruding in our sex life.
i absolutely accept the need to be on standby in times of sickness, I have two cats myself.
Have to say I’m surprised that nearly 50% of people would accept a pet being in the room during sex, even if it wasn’t their pet. None of my friends accept that having a pet sat on the bed, and being stroked during sex is acceptable 😂
But I’ll wait it out. We have long haul booked in 2 months. He has a competent cat sitter. The cats issue is non life threatening. If he cancels the long haul for that then I’m out.

Stroking the cat during sex is seriously weird as fuck

But it’s his best friend 😂

I’ve got the ick on your behalf op! I’m not a massive animal lover so couldn’t even imagine not going on holiday just in case a cat got sick but a man calling a cat his best friend just makes me want to vomit, it’s just weird!

I get his pet is his family! His best friend.
There for good times and bad. I get the lunch thing.

My cat opens doors so irrelevant if he wants he'll either bulldoze with his head banging and crashing ...mood killer or open. But no way would I stop grown up time to give it attention! Maybe a push off the bed!

The relapse thing is catastrophing. If medicine is done, and otherwise in good health a trusted cat sitter would suffice unless relapse is highly likely and then maybe I reschedule.

But, all that being said. Yikes. I'd probably not continue as he sounds like he's not meeting your needs or seeing you as a partner so I'd probably MOV on that basis.

Hmm the pet that's been loyal to me for years and been there throughout everything or someone that I've only known for a year? My pet will win every single time, their life literally depends on me as an owner.

The sex thing is a massive ick but it sounds as if your relationship is fairly casual anyway so he values his pet more than you at this point.

You're not compatible. This reply means you're taking the piss out of the cat being his best friend.

I think stroking the cat during sex is weird and definitely a no go but putting it before a relatively short term relationship when it's poorly is not.

I agree. I find it ironic that on the one hand that people will happily tuck in to one animal and delight in how tasty is was, whilst cancelling a holiday and their life evolving around another. Awaiting the “Ahh but but but”

Ahh but nothing, a cute fluffy one is to be adored and treat like a human but not the rest.

I was about to say YABU on the back of cancelling the restaurant the day cat was discharged from hospital - that’s fair enough I think.

But the allowing the cat in the room during intimate times and even stopping… no that’s not reasonable.

Depending on the arrangements for the cats care when away on holiday and the likelihood of relapse and the how this would be dealt with while away is hard to say regarding the holiday issue.

Rebond? With a cat? Does he even know how cats work?

My dog has and does mean more to me than any partner.

OMFG I'm sorry as I know this is your life OP and upsetting but I laughed so hard when I read this.

I have been the crazy cat lady my whole life but come on this is gross.

He stops having sex to pet the cat? The cat is his best friend and you can't get between them.

Leave them to it if there's anymore of this shite. What a weirdo.

I would be quite pissed off. He didn't need to cancel the meal. He can see the cat when he gets home from the meal, surely? And the sex thing is fucked up.

Ewwww, he is giving me the ick.

you are more important than a cat, OP

Dump him

@Idontknowhatnametochoose

then you clearly haven’t the right man or woman for you. Maybe one day…

@Sgreenpy

the cat isn’t his best friend though. It just isn’t.