To ask if you pet is more important than your partner

[thisismythrowawayusername]

I’ve been seeing a guy for a year. Stay over every other weekend (we’re both nearly 50). See each other twice a week on top of weekends.
Occasional weekends away in the past.
About 6 weeks ago the cat got sick, stay in hospital for a week.
on the day of release we had plans at an upmarket restaurant that had been booked for a while. The vet was open long past when we would have finished. He cancelled our lunch to go collect the cat early and sent me home so he could rebound.
We are due to go abroad (my first time without kids for 10 years). He’s cancelled in case the cat relapses.
He won’t shut the bedroom door if we’re having sex and now, as the cat is used to me, it comes in. Twice he has stopped what he is doing to stroke the cat.
I tried approaching him about it today, to voice my disappointment at going away and to have my logistics acknowledged (I have kids that needed breakfast clubs etc, he does not have kids), and could he focus on me when we are having sex.
To be met with the cat is the most important thing in his life, and they are best friends and nothing will come between them.
AIBU to expect him to at least shut the cat out during sex?

He has acted appallingly. He should have been there to support you and instead he made it about himself - you are not going mad, he’s gaslighting you.

Sadly I’ve been in a similar situation but when my Grandma passed away - that was with my now ex husband but I think about it fairly often and wish that I had seen the huge red flag then and run for the hills - his behaviour only got worse.

I’m so sorry for your loss and for what you are going through now, it’s just compounding the hurt you are feeling. Please talk to someone you trust about this. Sending love xxx

ICK!!!!

The sex thing is weird but the rest isn’t. I wouldn’t go away if my cat was so sick she needed vet treatment. My DH would be the same. But we shut our cat out the bedroom because she wakes us up early.

The sex thing ? Just absolutely no, you need to have words. But my cat was in hospital for a week last year and nearly died and was absolutely my priority during that time and when he first came home - he was still very fragile, terribly underweight and needed close monitoring, medication and a lot of persuasion to eat. No way I'd have gone on holiday and left him.

The stopping sex thing is weird.
But the rest no. Although I've recently been dumped because I have 3 dogs and couldn't find anyone to look after them or afford to pay for the kennel to go away for the weekend with him so...
Honestly though? If I had pets which were around before my partner (as mine were) then they will be more important so if I have to be alone forever so be it.

Unfortunately it seems he prefers stroking his pussy to yours.

He stopped having sex with you to stroke the cat (not metaphorically 😂) twice!! Urghhhh I couldn’t carry on if that happened. Instant ick for me. Do you want your life to revolve around making plans for the cat. Nah, life’s too short

My dogs mean so much more to me than my dp does.

I would absolutely cancel a meal or holiday due to their health.

I wouldn't stop shagging dp to pet them though, that's too far.

Ultimately dating is about finding out if you're compatible, and it's pretty clear that you're not compatible with this man.

As pet owners we have a responsibility for their welfare it’s reasonable to cancel lunch to pick up sick cat. If the cat was fully recovered then I’d go on holiday, but only if was 100% sure.
As for the cat in the bedroom during sex, that’s just weird and even weirder to stop and stroke the cat! Much as I love my cat he’s never allowed in the bedroom.

I love my dogs but this is a bit much. If he was going away, surely he would have left the cat with some one he trusts?

As others have said- throw this one back. He is never going to see your view point.

YABU to expect him to shut the cat out as he’s been perfectly clear that the cat will always be his number one. To actually stop and stroke the cat is weird AF though. Also super funny.

Stroking your best friend during sex would be weird too if they're not involved.

Having nearly lost both my pet & my partner yo accidents/illness, of course my partner is more important but I LOVE my pet.
i’d put my pet first in the situation you’re in. 100 %

No cat during sex though!!!

I have had cats all my love and love my cat. It is not more important than a partner or a child though. The cats always slept on our bed, but when I was pregnant, we started to shut the cats downstairs so they got used to it before the baby was born.

Most men would say that a nuclear bomb couldn't interrupt them during sex, so for him to stop and stroke the cat, is just weird.

He could have gone to the lunch and celebrated that the cat was coming home and picked him up afterwards.

The cat is not his best friend, it is a cat. It doesn't go to the footie with him, or cook for him. It might hang out with him, but I can't imagination the conversation is that good.

A pet is not human, and he will find himself very lonely if he continues to put the pet first. Throw him back and find someone who isn't obsessed with his cat.

The cat is his baby. When thinking about what's reasonable, try to imagine how you would feel if your child was 2 and in the same situation. If you would behave a certain way, then he should be given the same grace. I know a cat isn't a baby and I'd never feel the way he does but if you want this relationship to succeed, it would appear you'll need to understand his perspective rather than holding him to behaviours that are in line with your perspective.

We have a cat. It is not my cat. I do not like the cat. I am allergic to the cat but apart from stopping during sex to fuss it, I would do all the things in your OP.

I don't like the cat; she regularly tries to murder me by sleeping on my pillows and spreading her allergens all over them, but she is my responsibility. She relies solely on the humans around her to keep her safe, happy, and healthy.

I wouldn't leave her in the vet longer than necessary, partly because she is feral and I'd probably be sued when she ate someone's face, but mostly because of the aforementioned responsibility. A partner can keep themselves happy and safe, but the cat cannot, and she hates being crated. Whether I would cancel a holiday would depend on how sick she was and the chance of relapse. If she were still recovering or could get sick again, I would not leave her with a pet sitter.

She's used to sleeping in my room. She would be upset if I locked her out and would also scream and throw herself at the door until I let her in, so it would be more peaceful to just let her in to start with.

Ultimately, the cat was there first, and the cat is unable to advocate for itself. I'd think far less of a man who put my needs above an animal who pre-dated our relationship.

I'd have cancelled lunch to get my cat, theyre living things without comprehension of why theyre at the vet and miss home. So I'd have got mine as soon as I could, and wanted to be in the house the rest of the day just to check they were settled at home and recovering.

As for the holiday, it would depend how soon it was, and who/where my pet was staying. With my mum or close friend - fine. In a cattery I might cancel, or drop out and suggest you take a friend instead.

I absolutely wouldnt have the cat in the room during sex. I adore mine but thats odd. And the stopping stroking you to stroke the cat is a kinda creepy Id consider a deal breaker

I'm on his side, I'd always prioritise the cat.

I would (and have) cancelled plans due to poorly pets. We are our pets care givers and have to put them first in that situation. Being in hospital is really stressful for pets and once they are well enough to go home, they recover better at home with their owners. I wouldn't leave my cat in hospital even an hour longer than absolutely necessary. That doesn't mean I see my pet as more important than my partner, but my pet's needs in that moment are significantly more important than a lunch or a holiday.

Stopping to stroke the cat mid sex is weird though. I don't shut pets out of the bedroom but I wouldn't go as far as stopping mid sex to interact with them!

It sounds like youre her person. And for good reason

You ABU about everything except shutting the cat out during sex.

my poor dh had to get rid of his dog when we moved in together it nearly broke his heart but there was no option . I felt awful (it was health related). I think sometimes it can be really hard for pet owners to prioritise a person over a pet they’ve had for longer than they’ve known their significant other.

Does cat wear a camera? …What on earth difference does having bedroom door open during sex make???!
Think I’ve achieved the; “heard everything now”, 😆.

I can understand him cancelling the meal and the holiday as he wouldn’t enjoy them worrying about his cat.

But having the cat come in during sex because the door is open is unfair on you.

I don’t think the relationship is going to work out because you don’t seem compatible.