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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you pet is more important than your partner

97 replies

thisismythrowawayusername · 25/09/2025 16:11

I’ve been seeing a guy for a year. Stay over every other weekend (we’re both nearly 50). See each other twice a week on top of weekends.
Occasional weekends away in the past.
About 6 weeks ago the cat got sick, stay in hospital for a week.
on the day of release we had plans at an upmarket restaurant that had been booked for a while. The vet was open long past when we would have finished. He cancelled our lunch to go collect the cat early and sent me home so he could rebound.
We are due to go abroad (my first time without kids for 10 years). He’s cancelled in case the cat relapses.
He won’t shut the bedroom door if we’re having sex and now, as the cat is used to me, it comes in. Twice he has stopped what he is doing to stroke the cat.
I tried approaching him about it today, to voice my disappointment at going away and to have my logistics acknowledged (I have kids that needed breakfast clubs etc, he does not have kids), and could he focus on me when we are having sex.
To be met with the cat is the most important thing in his life, and they are best friends and nothing will come between them.
AIBU to expect him to at least shut the cat out during sex?

OP posts:

Original poster

thisismythrowawayusername · 25/09/2025 16:11

Ugh. Rebond not rebound!

OP posts:

Flippertyfloppertyflip · 25/09/2025 16:14

I bloody love my dog but no way would he be allowed into the bedroom during sex.

I have massive ick on your behalf @thisismythrowawayusername . Throw this one back.

DreamOfTheRarebitFiend · 25/09/2025 16:15

I'd probably feel the same as him if my pet had just been in hospital for a week, tbh. I'd want to go get them as soon as possible, and would be too worried to enjoy myself on a holiday.

But yeah, the cat should definitely be shut out of the bedroom while you're having sex.

MyDucksArentInARow · 25/09/2025 16:15

On pet health - yes they come first, any one where I was responsible care giver (child or animal) would come first in these situations. Same really for the holiday, if there was any risk my pets would need me, they cannot advocate for themselves and it can be really hard for pet sitters to see the signs of illness as animals try to hide it. Owners tend to be able to know when something's off and their pet needs help and care.

Cat in the bedroom during intimacy - no. Door shut. They can come up later.

Tigerthatcametobrunch · 25/09/2025 16:15

Stopping sex to stroke the cat is weird. But equally I wouldn't bother to shut the door to keep pets out, they always choose to stay away-but a shut door would cause disturbance here.

I think you are unreasonable about the vet, I couldn't enjoy a nice meal knowing my pet was at the vet waiting to come home.

You probably just aren't compatible long term.

CurtsyFriends · 25/09/2025 16:16

I think it depends on the pet and the circumstances tbh. If my partner told me I had to get rid of my animals or he would leave then it would be bye bye.

If his cat has been sick and he didn’t want to go away in case it died then that is reasonable. If the cat wasn’t in danger of dying or in distress then it would be unreasonable not to go away if someone trusted could look after it.

Stopping mid sex to stroke the cat should only be a euphemism and not reality. I wouldn’t want it in the room.

Edited for spelling mistakes

DreamOfTheRarebitFiend · 25/09/2025 16:18

Also, to answer your question, that doesn't mean my pet is more important than my partner. But my pet depends on me and is my responsibility, so sometimes I have to make choices based on that.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 25/09/2025 16:20

Cancelling dinner because of the cat coming out of hospital is perfectly be reasonable. I think I’d be put off someone who abandoned their sick cat for a date.

I’m on the fence about the holiday. It depends on how sick the cat is, what the options are for alternative pet care, and the details of the holiday.

Refusing to shut the cat out of the bedroom and stopping sex to stroke it is where I would be drawing the line. That’s just wildly inappropriate. The cat is not going to be in any danger by being shut out if the bedroom while you’re doing it.

Lucy5678 · 25/09/2025 16:21

I think the question is weird - it’s not about who’s more important. I think people who consider animals equivalent to children are wrong, but clearly this is his “baby” and presumably just as you expect some leeway from him for your kids I think you have to give him some leeway for the cat.

I think it’s fair enough he wants to get the cat back from the vet as soon as possible, and I’m far from an animal loving person.

The stopping mid sex to play with the cat is disrespectful, a little bit weird and a deal breaker to me - I wouldn’t want a cat in the room much less anywhere near me.

It sounds like you should leave him and his “best friend” to it.

AndSheDid · 25/09/2025 16:21

No, and anyone for whom it was just wouldn’t work as a partner for me. I like to be able to stay out all night if I feel like it and go away for the weekend at the drop of a hat. Pets are too confining.

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 25/09/2025 16:25

You're telling us that he started stroking the pussy instead of...... actually nevermind.

Pricelessadvice · 25/09/2025 16:25

My animals come before everyone in my life. I revolve my life around them all and wouldn’t have it any other way.
So I don’t find that particularly strange.

AutumnWreath · 25/09/2025 16:28

On the fence here , I'm with you on some gripes , but not all . I would pick up a pet from the vets at the earliest opportunity and couldn't imagine going out afterwards .
In regard to the holiday , if it had to go into a cattery / kennel I'd probably prefer to stay at home , but if I had a trusted relation or friend I'd go on holiday .

TreeDudette · 25/09/2025 16:32

I think a mixture of YABU and YANBU. If my dog was in the vet I'd go and collect him as soon as the vet said I could even if it meant cancelling lunch plans. He hates the vet and I couldn't enjoy a relaxed lunch thinking of him being miserable if I could have prevented that by picking him up.

I wouldn't cancel a holiday if my dog had been sick and was now better. I might do if I'd been warned by the vet of a high chance or relapse or death in the very near term.

If I shut the bedroom door and lock the dog out he sits outside and howls so we used to get interupted a lot until he learned to stay on the floor when told to and not come and join us on the bed.

I love my dog but if I it was a straight choice on equal footing between my partner and my dog then my partner would win. However my partner is a grown adult and can understand why sometimes the dog needs to come first.

WrylyAmused · 25/09/2025 16:35

I think he's being wildly unreasonable, and I've had cats most of my life.

Going to the restaurant for lunch would have delayed picking the cat up by 2-3 hours at most - and the cat was being well cared for at the vet, where it had literally already been for a week, so zero issues there.

Cat in the room for sex, him stopping sex to pet it - just weird.

Him cancelling a holiday "just in case" the cat relapses, something like 2 months after cat comes back from hospital (which is what it sounds like from your timeline) - also odd. It's cancelling a definite and significant commitment to you for something which hasn't happened and isn't that likely to happen to the cat - and cancelling for a pet's (possible hypothetical relapse of) illness is not very likely to be covered by insurance, so also has massive cost implications as well as messing you around.

It's not about coming first - e.g. if the cat was in an accident and needed to go to the vet, obviously it's reasonable for that to come first. But these scenarios - no, it would tell me I just wasn't that important in his life and he's not thinking of us and the relationship as a priority in his life. Too long single and too set in his ways, possibly, to be able to consider things from other people's point of view.

Boomer55 · 25/09/2025 16:35

If you think more of a pet than a partner, then your partner is not the one for you.

Coconutter24 · 25/09/2025 16:37

Cancelling a meal to go pick up a poorly pet from the vets is ok, letting the cat in the bedroom and stroking it!! Mid sex is not ok

Foundationns · 25/09/2025 16:38

He should shut the cat out during sex and focus on you.
The rest of it I understand. Of course he wants his cat to be home with him as soon as possible, not shut in a cage at the vet's. If it's at all likely that the cat would relapse while he's away, I can understand him cancelling the holiday as well, but he should be apologising and offering to make it up to you some other way, not shutting you down.

Itsamum · 25/09/2025 16:39

I understand rushing to the vet instead of lunch and even cancelling a holiday if there's a chance a beloved pet could be unwell.
The other stuff is really, really odd though.

chattyness · 25/09/2025 16:49

We adore our dog and his needs are met first most of the time , but he's our dog not his or mine and equally important to us both. He is never in the bedroom while we are at it, urgh no that is weird and icky !
I don't think it's odd cancelling the holiday, because that cat is family to him & he wants to be there when it needs him. It's odd to you because it's not your cat, you don't have the same bond with it.
You've only been together for a year so I doubt you'll get to be his focus while the cat is ill. He really should shut it out during sex though.

MischiefandMayhemManaged · 25/09/2025 16:55

While I would never let my dogs in the bedroom while i was having sex - my dogs would overule a partner every timne if it came to a holliday or such. also after the deed was done the dogs would be back in the bedroom too. it has been their home far longer than any partner!

neverbeenskiing · 25/09/2025 17:05

Stopping to stroke the cad mid-way through sex is odd behaviour. I would find that really off-putting.

I don't think that prioritising your pets health over a meal out or a holiday is unreasonable though. Presumably the cat was very sick if it was in the vets for a whole week, I would be wary about leaving an animal to go abroad so soon after it had been really unwell.

Notmymarmosets · 25/09/2025 17:31

Oh gosh we are super weird then. Dcat wanders about at all times, including in the bedroom.
I would draw the line at stopping to stroke him though.

DBD1975 · 25/09/2025 17:41

Absolutely, our pets are family but then my partner and I both feel the same way so it is fine.

BadActingParsley · 25/09/2025 17:43

For a cat no…if my dog had been in hospital I’d have cancelled the holiday. Well I wouldn’t as we have in laws that adore the dog and would probably already have picked her up to convalesce.

I don’t think you have shared values….its ok to call it quits.

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