Devastated: boy keeps trying to touch DD's private parts

[DevastatedMama]

My DD started Reception this year. She absolutely loves school and was so excited to start. She's been so happy there and thriving already, and I've been so relieved and proud.
Fast forward to today, and while chatting about what new friends she's made, she mentioned this boy is constantly chasing her at play time and tries and touch her private parts, even putting his hands down her pants. She's told him no, but he doesn't stop. I called the school straight away, and they'll talk to the boy and his parents, and will talk to the class about private parts, boundaries etc. starting tomorrow.

I am absolutely devastated though, thinking that for the past few days, that's what has been happening to her while I think she's safe at school, and now the idea of sending her back tomorrow and for years to come makes me feel sick to my core. The most dramatic part of me wants to instantly homeschool her (I know it wouldn't work for me or for her though) or to demand that this boy is put in another class (although as this happens mainly at break time, I'm not sure that'd make a difference).

What can I do to make sure this doesn't happen, ever again? Can I ask the teachers to keep an eye always, and keep him away from her at all times? I know this probably isn't possibel though. Anyone has been through this?
I genuinely feel physically sick and also devastated as she really loves school and no2 has to endure this physically harassment. I'm gutted!

Ask for a meeting first thing with the safeguarding lead and the head teacher. Im
so sorry this has happened to your daughter

my child had similar aged 5. They found it hard to say to the teachers straight away so they had a token in their bag/ pocket which the teachers/ playground staff knew meant something had happened & my child wanted to talk. It has now
stopped thankfully but the token reassured my child that they didn’t have to verbalise it potentially in front of others

I experienced something like this when I was young- albeit not in school premises. I know this is sexual harassment but your daughter won’t understand that at her age- and she needs to experience that this and any consequences are not her fault. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to play at the house of someone I thought was my friend and I thought it was all my fault- until years later I realised it wasn’t. And then I started questioning what had been said by whom and about whom at the time.

The good news is she loves school and from what you said this hasn’t traumatised her up to now- so if you and the school work closely together you can ensure her safety and hopefully rebuild your confidence in them, without scaring her.

sendinglots of love- it’s every parents nightmare to send your child
off to school assuming they will be safe and then something like this happens.

I had something like this with my DD years ago. She told a teacher and they were hot on it. Child dealt with and my DD given supportm was so proud of her that she knew to tell someone.
My school were great.
She also started wearing shorts under skirts but girls do lots of cartwheels etc so it was more practical anyway
If the school hadn't done anything I would have went potty.
Big hugs

Thank you all for answering and giving support. I just want to cry and throw up, I feel so sick! Such good advice too!

When my DD told us (her dad was here too), we stayed calm and asked non leading questions (where, when, who, what, how) and kept it calm, but showed her we took her seriously and believed her. I said that in this instance, it is OK for her to push him away and also to shout really loudly at him "No" or "Go away", but she said she felt embarrassed and didn't want others to hear (I feel sooooo sick writing this down!). I told her that I was glad she told us and that I was proud of her for remembering what I taught her (telling a safe adult if someone does anything of the sort). I reminded her she's safe with us, and that I will make sure her teachers also keep her safe at school. I didn't show big emotions or anything like that, I didn't want her to think that telling me such things would create big reactions and risking her not wanting to share in the future, but inside, I'm a fucking mess! Thank you all for making me feel like I'm not overreacting.

I then called the school straight away (it was almost 4pm so minutes before they stop answering the phone) and the receptionist passed me straight away to the teacher (I don't know if they're the DSL, I was quite shaky and I was trying to sound firm and authoritative, so didn't ask many question, just stated what happened and how unacceptable). Teacher sounded like they took me seriously and wanted to deal with this asap (said they'd contact the parents straight away, and talk also to the child, then focus tomorrow on boundaries and private parts, also saying they would be extra vigilant). Teacher also said they'd talk to me tomorrow.

I'll take on your advice and ask to talk 1st thing + ask specifics of how they will keep my daughter safe (can they separate him from her in class, in the playground and at lunch time, potentially changing him class) + what happens if the behaviour doesn't stop?

My DD is quite a strong, confident person and she doesn't seem scared or anything (she seems more annoyed with him, like he's a pest) but she should NOT have to deal with this, ever! Also, again, what if this behaviour doesn't stop, gets worse, then what?!?!!? Seriously already thinking of changing her school, but she would be devastated, all her friends go there (we live on the same street as the school and are friends with neighbours, kids from nursery, etc. Didn't know this boy before school though).

I hope this was just a case of the boy being curious and crossing boundaries, and a firm talking to by parents and teachers + education on the matter will be enough, and not something more sinister.

Sorry for the long posts, I find it easier to write it all down here than talk about it irl, I'm still so shaken by it all!

I would contact the local child and family social services page at the council. Children displaying sexualised behaviour is always a problem and it’s not normal at all. (SW here) please go nuclear with the school. This should not be happening and the child needs to be kept away from other children.

if this boy is being abused telling the parents and giving the child a good talking to is definitely not going to help this poor child in any way shape or form. children do not play those sort of games without adult encouragement so the child is at best witnessing inappropriate behaviour in the home at worst well doesn't bare thinking about

You sound like you did all the right things, I hope you get the response you need in the morning. You can always put your thoughts in writing and given them to the teacher or read them out if it’s easier for you.

its also really good to journal this kind of stuff out of your head anyway as it will help to stop you ruminating on it and making you feel ill. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. Your little girl is safe at home where she is loved and you can go be a mama bear in the morning

This is my fear too, that it is more sinister. I'm not sure what I can do to help that little boy, but it is something I want to mention to the DSL tomorrow. I'm so fucking furious having ot deal with this, and furious my DD has to already be dealing with this shit too! I will be reading the guidelines on the topic a PP posted earlier, and I'll try not to throw up and not to cry too much. Then hopefully catch some sleep and be ready to go Tiger Mum mode at school tomorrow.

Agree, you’ve got to be OP

Yes 100% report to police on 101. Also report to the governors. They should have someone who is responsible for safeguarding and needs to be heavily involved with the school being unable to ensure the children's safety in school.

Big hugs to you OP. Of course you’re shaken up and a mess.

I would check with the teacher tomorrow that the school safeguarding lead is also involved in resolving this as they have specific training and experience.

Also remember that for privacy reasons they will not be able to tell you everything that is going on with this boy - anything they tell you will only relate to your DD and keeping her safe so you won’t know the full story. He sounds like something is going on in his home life or perhaps with extended family or friends and he also needs support in dealing with that.

You sound like you are handling this incredibly well and doing all the right things. If your workplace offers EAP it might be worth talking to someone about this to help you process it

As well as the dsl, on a slightly different note, the school may have an ELSA, who might be able to help with supporting your dd to shout for help, and not worry what others might think. They can do lots of different role play to build confidence, They can also be a trusted point of contact for a child if they need to speak to an adult.

Definitely follow up and ask to speak to the DSL at drop off tomorrow. Our school office is also open during the day to call into and I imagine that they would make time for this. You shouldn't have to but as a stop gap measure cycling shorts or tights - a lot of girls wear shorts under summer dresses and tights in the winter. It's an extra layer to buy your daughter time to get adult support

Oh gosh that’s awful. I’d follow up with the school and ask to speak to the most senior Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL). This is worrying, for your daughter of course, but also for the boy… he’s likely getting that behaviour from somewhere. Can totally understand why you’re panicking and distraught, but keep the pressure on with school and insist the boy is supervised at all times when around other children because this really could be classed as peer on peer abuse.

I used to be DSL and there were some children we never allowed to be alone with others and they were always supervised because we had concerns. Could be very innocent but could also be a sign that this boy is being sexually abused and that’s what really worries me. I dealt with two cases where that was suspected and it was harrowing

You have told the school. They will be all over this.

I hope the school will take this very seriously, for your DDs sake and also for the little boy. I work in early years and I would be making a referral to SS as it is peer on peer abuse (and red flag for sexual abuse) so I expect the school will too. At your DDs age she won’t realise how unacceptable this behaviour is, so you will be feeling much more than her, which will hopefully be a small amount of comfort

I would not want that child in the same class as mine.

Also to add, is it worth getting your daughter to have a code word with the teacher? Could she say something like “I’m hungry/my foot hurts/I need help with my shoes” as code for “this boy is upsetting me again”. Maybe a strategy where she can alert an adult that something is wrong so they can take her to one side and speak to her without her having to ‘tell on’ the boy directly if he is around; lots of children don’t like ‘telling on’ others so this could be a quick way for her to get help and space

Just in terms of practicality. Is she wearing a skirt or dress? The first thing I’d do is put her in a pair of trousers so this boy wouldn’t be able to touch her private parts. Secondly this is seen as very serious in my school and would flag up as a possible safeguarding/child at risk situation in regard to the boy. I would want a meeting with the head of year and I wouldn’t be fobbed off.

When you next speak to the school OP, an expression that you can use is 'risk assessment'. You can ask whether a a risk assessment been in put in place in order to prevent this boy from causing harm to your daughter or other pupils and what steps is the school taking in order to safeguard your daughter from further assault.

If they say that no risk assessment is in place, then ask them why not.

Happened to my dd in reception. School dealt with it immediately. As far as I know, it’s not affected her and she’s a lot older now. It hard but trust the school do the right thing. If they don’t, keep putting more pressure on.

I'm a teacher.
35 years experience and I have seen and dealt with this exact scenario.

Without going into detail, within 5 minutes of being alerted to the situation, all of the relevant professionals had been contacted and all of the necessary steps were taken to safeguard all of the children concerned.

I imagine your school will do exactly the same.

School safeguarding lead here. This scenario is much more common than people think.

It is not unusual for Reception aged children to be highly curious about bodies and about private parts in particular. Among this age group showing/asking to see others private parts or thinking it's funny to touch another child there is quite common. When this happens, in the first instance we would talk to the children involved individually, to make sure they understand that what happened was not safe and not appropriate. The same day the class teacher would also re-cap Protective Behaviours with the whole class (teaches an ability to recognise when we are not feeling safe, seek help when needed and respect others right to feel safe) which is part of our PSHE curriculum and something we teach all children.

Parents would be spoken to, directed to resources like the NSPCC pants rule etc and asked to re-enforce the "private parts are private" message at home.

The child who had been touched would be directed to a designated person/place to go to if they had any worries or felt unsafe in any way at break times. A TA would be asked to check in with them regularly to make sure they were ok. Seating plans would be rejigged so they did not have to sit near the child in question. Their parents would also be spoken to and I would be encouraging them to contact me directly with any further concerns.

The child would be monitored and if there were repeat incidents of inappropriate touching, despite them having been given very clear messages about it being unsafe and not ok, then that would raise a higher level of concern. We would ensure the child was supervised 1:1 by a member of staff at all times, including at break times and being escorted to and from the toilet, not easy at all as there would be no additional funding, and our staff are already spread very thin, but we would make it work. We would be seeking advice from Children's Services at this point, although in my experience they would not necessarily take any action aside from advising us to do the things listed above, which we would already have done. They would most likely only get involved directly after repeated referrals, if the behaviour escalated in severity, if there were also concerns about the child's behaviour towards siblings at home, or if the child disclosed abuse or was saying things (referencing sexual acts or using explicit language for example) that suggested they were being abused.

Many posters on this thread will make assumptions that any child who inappropriately touches another child must have been sexually abused. This is not necessarily the case, although we absolutely would be vigilant to that possibility. The idea that Children's Services would automatically "look into" this child's home life based on the behaviour described in the OP is not realistic I'm afraid.

My advice OP would be to speak to the DSL at your school and hear them out. If you're not reassured after your conversation then contact Children's Services, you should be able to find the number for your local Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub via a quick Internet search.

Calling the Police is pointless in the scenario described in the OP. They will not even log it because no crime has been commited. They would tell you to speak to your child's school and if you're still concerned, contact Children's Services. They will not get involved.

Going too nuclear is likely to harm your daughter more.

This is awful for her but that little boy is in Reception. Him resorting to this behaviour is troubling for him too. It speaks of him being a victim too

The school will be all over it now. And they've already said they want to speak to you. Don't go in all guns blazing and creating a scene until you've heard what they have to say