So upset I lent family money

[gemgem57]

I know it’s an age old thing of don’t lend that which you can’t afford to loose. I’m fully aware it was my own stupid fault. I’m just so upset about it.

A few months ago I had a really good job. I was making thousands a month. My family all suddenly became leeches and asked me for every penny.
Mostly I said no apart from small things. Then, my sister had a massive issue with her tooth. Dental treatment is expensive in the Uk and I felt sorry for her. I paid it all. A few hundred a week.
It is pertinent to say that prior to this we were not close. She hasn’t worked for over 20 years due to anxiety and lives off of everyone else.

Well, the got this job and she was begging me for money. She was in agony apparently. I was not expecting payment as I knew she didn’t have funds.
But. The issue is now that she won’t even bother to talk to me. We weren’t close before granted but I stepped up when she needed help and I calculated I spent at least three thousand to help her.
she took it and doesn’t bother with me at all.
I know I was an idiot and I have no legal leg to stand on. But, would I be right to go no contact for this?

Sorry for the typos. I did write quickly. Hopefully you’ll get the gist.
The rest of my family are no help as I gave them a lot of money too which was promised back but is looking unlikely now.
I am absolutely dreading Christmas as I don’t want to be around any of them.

You knew what they are like so that’s on you. However, you now know what to expect again if they ask and you can frame your response accordingly.

But, what I will also say is that you are a good person, You behaved as a good person does and you need to find your validation in that. They are not good people. You will never understand how they behave as they do. Don’t waste the energy trying to.

You now need to find the balance between you doing what you think is the right thing and being happy with your effort and finding the point at which you say “no” the next time they ask - because there will be a next time.

Finding another way to do Christmas doesn’t seem unreasonable.

Do you still have the well-paid job? If so, the best revenge is to live well.

Your sister? She didn’t particularly bother with you before, she doesn’t now. No change. Unless you thought you were buying a closer relationship with her, she has been consistent.

Xmas, just pop in and see them for the shortest time, then leave and please yourself. No need to NC, you can LC.

OP, it sounds as though your sister has gone no contact with you. Why are you dreading being around your family at Christmas? If you don’t want to, and you have the means to do so, then take a holiday over the festive season so you can be absent without it looking too pointed.

Thank you for the comments. I was worried that I’d be wrong for choosing to dip out.
I think I will now now with no guilt.
Thank you.

You didn’t lend them money - in your Op you openly state that you paid and didn’t expect to get the money back.
I think the issue is that you thought paying for things and being kind and generous with your money would mean that your family would treat you better and value you - the problem isn’t you. The problem is that your family sees you as an ATM, a resource to be used when needed and they will continue to treat you this way (ignore you until they need something) as this is who they are.
You need to do some self reflection on why you paid out thousands to a family member that you openly said lives off everyone else and hasn’t worked in twenty years. It was your decision to do this and you need to own that this was a poor decision so that you don’t make the same decision when they come to you for the next crisis.
You wouldn’t be unreasonable to go low/no contact (in fact I think it’d be best for you in the long term), but don’t do it as a punishment to them, because they clearly don’t care or value you like you do them. Do it so you have boundaries that protect your peace and your money - this is YOUR money. It’s not a family resource. It’s for your future, for retirement, a holiday, house deposit, etc.

No, no, no!
If by "go no contact" you mean ignore her or not include her in family group emails, no.
Treat her in the same cool way you used to, and live in hope for the day when she asks you for something, or in some way opens the conversational door. Then you pounce.
😛

This is an entirely reasonable decision, OP.

You can be ‘busy’ At Christmas, or ‘abroad’, or ‘working’, or whatever; and if you find you have to pop in and out then aim for ten minutes and either give them nothing or hand round the cheapest selection boxes (£1.50 each), depending on how you feel.

And laugh at their cheeky-fuckerness.

YANBU to be upset with her. I don’t think I’d go no contact, though. I’d treat her breezily as though nothing had happened, and then laugh in her face next time she tried to hit me up for money.

Id dump the whole bunch of them, the freeloading parasites. No one needs people like that in their lives, even family. Be unavailable at Christmas.

Go low or no contact. Stop giving money because you don’t get it back. Say it’s all in an isa anyway so you can not fritter your hard earned cash away by

I think she's already gone no contact. Just don't lend any more money to anyone.

OP, why do they know so much about your finances anyway?

I would pull right back. They are freeloaders and will continue as long as you keep giving them handouts. A tooth this week, a broken boiler next week etc.

Take yourself off somewhere for Christmas. Given you have the financial freedom, book something now, even a city break somewhere alone will be far better than the alternative.

I was in a similar situation where I earned more then the rest of my family.

I had a rocky relationship with my sister but constantly helped her with money, my DP pointed out one day that it was the only reason my sister ever bothered with me.

I lent her a big sum then tried to spend time with her but she just brushed me off, my eyes were opened and I realised how transactional our relationship was and it really upset me because she was my only living family member.

I cut contact completely and I see it that the money was well spent to have the realisation that I was nothing more than an ATM. It still hurts and we got back briefly in contact but due to her now prioritising a man over her own kids the relationship has deteriorated again.

What I will tell you is that you did a really good thing.
After years of bulimia I was going to lose my teeth and was devastated, I was at rock bottom and no one could help me with the money, I was in a dark place as I had such low self esteem that it made me contemplate suicide.

In the end my employers helped me with the money as they knew how desperate I was. It was a lot of years ago now but I’m still so grateful, I have never taken my teeth for granted again and it helped me recover from a 20 year eating disorder.

Your sister is probably jealous and maybe doesn’t see the gift you’ve given her yet, maybe she does but just can’t show it because of the overriding jealousy.

She will appreciate it and you did an incredibly good thing, you will have made a huge difference to her life and I hope this makes you feel a bit better. I’m sure you still care and it’s important to you that you changed your sister’s life whether she shows gratitude or not.

I’ve learned the hard way that money doesn’t change people or build bonds, if someone genuinely isn’t bothered about you then they might fake it for money but they can’t sustain it. Draw a line under it and think that you have helped but don’t have to keep on giving to people who will only take and never give you anything in return.

You sound like a lovely caring person and I know how much it hurts when family just want you for material reasons. Spend you money on yourself and put yourself first, please don’t give into any guilt trips and see what happens when you stop being a cash cow.

Have you lost your job? There’s a past tense in your op

You need to frame it mentally as a cost of learning something and moving on. That money has enabled you to understand the relationships and prevent any further attempts to drain your finances. They can’t pretend they want to borrow money now can they?

So well explained. 👏

Did she text you about this asking for a loan? This is what the small claims court exists for…

I am not sure this is about the money ( you knew it was never coming back) but buying affection because it’s not available to you from your family unconditionally and maybe not at all. You hanker after a loving family that care for you - you saw the money as maybe a reason they would cultivate a close relationship, and feel disappointed even that didn’t work maybe op?

These people are selfish and self absorbed. It would help to accept that they really don’t care, and put your energy and love into those that do care for you/or could in time. It’s your moment to create your own close knit community now op, so you van stop looking to your biological family for love and validation.

Christmas make sure you are very busy this year. Start making plans now that do not include them. Relegate their importance.

Stop with the generous presents, see it as return payment of sorts. Buy the absolute bare minimum (a £1 gift or similar) and let them experience life without your kindness and generosity.

If they complain shrug your shoulders and say you did your best under the circumstances given the huge cost of sister’s dental work. Point out it cost £3000 so it’s taken your entire Christmas budget. They can then be cross with your sister and not you, you get to claw back some of the money.

Stop being so nice op. It’s getting you nowhere with people like them. Blood suckers.

I would pull away. Secure more work that is well paid. Focus on your own future, and feathering your own nest, build a lovely life for yourself and let them get on with it.

Never allow yourself to give them a single penny more. That’s it now. Lesson learnt. Stop initiating contact or meetings - they can do it all from now on.

Next time they ask for money say no it’s all tied up In a house/car/investment and change the subject immediately. Time to look after yourself op, they are never going to. Have strong boundaries around money, time and effort, reflect the bare minimum or nothing at all. That’s the way forward. Don’t let them use you again.

In addition to never lending money to family and friends I would add another caveat. Never share your financial details with them, especially if you are doing well. If they dont know how much you earn they are less likely to pester.

Even as a girl of 16 my mother had no idea how much I earned because I was paid by bank transfer. I took out an accommodation address in a local shop and all my business correspondence was sent there. I have always been very close about my finances.

That was an education. It taught you a lesson. Do not do it again. You are regarded as an ATM and it won't stop unless you stop

Totally reasonable to not bother with them any more. Try to view the money as the cost of seeing what these people are really like so now you won’t waste any more of your precious time, effort, and money on them. That’s money well spent when you think about it.

My DB did this to me years ago, we've not spoken now for over 10 years and I don't miss him 💐

Can anyone find the link for op of the family that decided to do secret Santa after she’d already bought ££££ worth of gifts for them, including concert tickets and all sorts. She returned the lot and went to Disneyland. There were doubts as to the authenticity of it buts it’s a good read and will cheer you up.

I remember that one. The op had been laying out thousands for years, and from memory she decided to book a holiday with her dc rather than endure another Christmas where she became the family ATM.