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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset I lent family money

103 replies

gemgem57 · 24/09/2025 00:45

I know it’s an age old thing of don’t lend that which you can’t afford to loose. I’m fully aware it was my own stupid fault. I’m just so upset about it.

A few months ago I had a really good job. I was making thousands a month. My family all suddenly became leeches and asked me for every penny.
Mostly I said no apart from small things. Then, my sister had a massive issue with her tooth. Dental treatment is expensive in the Uk and I felt sorry for her. I paid it all. A few hundred a week.
It is pertinent to say that prior to this we were not close. She hasn’t worked for over 20 years due to anxiety and lives off of everyone else.

Well, the got this job and she was begging me for money. She was in agony apparently. I was not expecting payment as I knew she didn’t have funds.
But. The issue is now that she won’t even bother to talk to me. We weren’t close before granted but I stepped up when she needed help and I calculated I spent at least three thousand to help her.
she took it and doesn’t bother with me at all.
I know I was an idiot and I have no legal leg to stand on. But, would I be right to go no contact for this?

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 24/09/2025 06:41

I'd go extremely low contact with the lot of them. If you can find an alternative for Christmas then put yourself first and do something else without a shred of guilt OP.

Biscoffbiscuits · 24/09/2025 06:50

RawBloomers · 24/09/2025 03:02

YANBU to be upset with her. I don’t think I’d go no contact, though. I’d treat her breezily as though nothing had happened, and then laugh in her face next time she tried to hit me up for money.

I did this with my sister. Thirty years ago. Absolutely no regrets. Even though I get the odd vile message 😂

ittakes2 · 24/09/2025 06:59

It’s shit - but please don’t beat up on yourself for being a nice kind person. It’s really their loss - family are the friends you choose and use this as an opportunity to give yourself permission to cut yourself free from them and build a life of friends who cherish you

Muffinmam · 24/09/2025 07:11

Don’t worry OP. Your sister has more teeth in her head. She will contact you when she wants more money.

You need to start saving your money. You need savings for your next emergency.

It also seemed like you didn’t have any money to help your sister as you were paying it off in instalments.

ComfortFoodCafe · 24/09/2025 07:14

My in laws did this to me, i put my foot down and the abuse came still get random messages out of the blue trying to sweeten me up and then abuse when I ignore. 😂 Went no contact with them all - zero regrets.

Climberspromise67 · 24/09/2025 07:23

I can sympathise op. I am in a similar but reverse position in that I gave a sibling money and they are now in touch much more than before. And of course I am thinking is that because they genuinely want contact or is it because of the money? Just going with it for now but my point is that bringing money in to a relationship does inevitably change it.

Even someone just asking for money changes the relationship; whether you refuse or agree, It can cause a lot of stress either way. People often say “there’s no harm in asking” but when it comes to money, there really is imho!

Hold your head up high op for being a good and kind person. You have every right to feel very disappointed and let down by your family’s behaviour; particularly your sibling,

Can you talk to your sister about it? Have a really calm and “real” conversation? Tell her how you feel?

Ditto with your family about braking their promise to pay you back,

As for Christmas, you are an independent adult. You don’t need anyone’s permission to do something differently this year. Why not travel somewhere where your family are not, or invite some friends to your house? Having helped others and been kind, you have found out that your family are not grateful or respectful of you, so you are now free to please yourself this Christmas.

Ponoka7 · 24/09/2025 07:23

You thought that you were buying her time, she thought that you were helping her out. You want to punish her by going NC, rather than your relationship carry on as it always has. If you have got other Christmas plans you can make, then don't go. But you need to come to terms with how the family relationships are and why they went the way they did.

Antimimisti · 24/09/2025 07:27

Totally reasonable to go no contact. You did a good, kind thing and got no thanks for it. You can hold your head high - don't feel ashamed of doing something nice for people you should have been able to trust but sadly, couldn't.

Meep2024 · 24/09/2025 07:29

gemgem57 · 24/09/2025 01:45

Thank you for the comments. I was worried that I’d be wrong for choosing to dip out.
I think I will now now with no guilt.
Thank you.

You did a good thing and helped where you could. Your DSis should have found an NHS Dentist. Although they are getting fewer and further between she would have got one in the end. Your money is for you to spend how you like not help other adults who are not your dependants.

I've just gone through something similar where I've been kicked in the teeth (pun not intended) by a family member I've always helped when needed and to say I was a tad upset would be an understatement of the month. You know now what will happen. Protect your peace and sanity by saying no to them next time. Make sure you're 'busy' come Christmas and you don't have to give a reason why you won't help. That money you earn is yours. No is a complete sentence.

Noshowlomo · 24/09/2025 07:31

Go low/no contact with no guilt at all. You’re a good person and they see you as a bank, that they don’t have to pay back

frozendaisy · 24/09/2025 07:32

Chalk this up as you live and learn

They will come bagging for more money you can always say “can’t help sorry” - you are the one working for cash - “if you need this sort of cash sis/dad/uncle you need to get a job guys”

as for Christmas - it’s not compulsory to cram yourself into a space with people you spend all year avoiding - it’s almost insanity - how you want to spend it or even acknowledge it with them - that’s up to you

they sound dreadful and ungrateful by the way @gemgem57 - you have a brighter future ahead in anther direction - go that way don’t look back

Zonder · 24/09/2025 07:34

Do you still have the good job / salary? I hope they haven't left you struggling.

You have time to make nice plans for Christmas that don't include them.

autienotnaughty · 24/09/2025 07:40

My friend is in a similar situation she earns a lot of money. Firstly she’s never told them the actual amount as they would be a nightmare if they knew. (It’s probably more than they think)
She now has an amount she will go to and it’s different for different people. So her parents help her a lot with childcare so she will give them money regularly and if they ask.
one brother she gets on well with if he asks she would help him out up to a few hundred at a time, her other brother never speaks to her and is an arse she won’t give him a penny. More distant relatives she would give small amounts if asked. But if anyone takes the mess she stops.

But on the whole she is close to her family and they love her regardless of the money.

Its not a bad thing to help people but don’t waste your money on people who don’t deserve it.

Eeehbyeck · 24/09/2025 07:44

gemgem57 · 24/09/2025 01:45

Thank you for the comments. I was worried that I’d be wrong for choosing to dip out.
I think I will now now with no guilt.
Thank you.

I’d probably tell them in a mature manner that you don’t want to spend Christmas with them, their lack of effort to maintain any relationship with you has made it uncomfortable to be around them.
hold in your heart that you did kind things when you’ve been in a position to do so, the toxicity is from outside of you, don’t let that break your peace x

Rainbow1901 · 24/09/2025 07:47

Not compulsory at all to maintain contact with selfish family. Make other plans for Christmas. If gift exchanging is/was still a thing in your family circle then just say you can't afford it this year as you have given X amount to sister for teeth, X amount to whoever etc. This has rendered gift giving a no-no this year and look forward to the fact that you won't even have to shop for such people.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 24/09/2025 07:53

I would definitely go low to no contact with them.

Asking for the money back is pointless, but at least it has finally taught you what they’re like. I’m no contact with DB due to money as well, but as usual it’s beyond money. It’s the attitude towards you.

In my case, I was sending money monthly towards our mother (I’m a single parent) and getting phone call after phone call borderline harassing me because nothing is ever enough. Come to find, I was sending money like an idiot because he earns a very good wage, owns 2 properties, coughs up money for 2 personal trainers, maid, etc.

I don’t think I’ll be forgiving this any time soon tbh.

LemonLass · 24/09/2025 07:55

. (Replied to wrong thread - ignore me! 😂)

Original poster
gemgem57 · 24/09/2025 08:05

Thank you everyone. I have a new job and I haven’t divulged my new salary to anyone.
It was my mistake telling them in the first place.

OP posts:
Bobiverse · 24/09/2025 08:07

How did they all know how much you were earning? Keep your mouth shut about your income and stop giving people money.

ComfortFoodCafe · 24/09/2025 08:09

gemgem57 · 24/09/2025 08:05

Thank you everyone. I have a new job and I haven’t divulged my new salary to anyone.
It was my mistake telling them in the first place.

If they ask or hound you about it, lie and say you took a massive pay cut. Grin

Antimimisti · 24/09/2025 08:13

gemgem57 · 24/09/2025 08:05

Thank you everyone. I have a new job and I haven’t divulged my new salary to anyone.
It was my mistake telling them in the first place.

I can relate to a small degree. My sister asked me my salary and I told her - since then she thinks I'm rolling in it. The irony is that mine is the sole income whereas she has a partner who earns a similar amount to her, and when you factor in tax, their net household income is more than mine. Try explaining that to her and she shouts me down.

Original poster
gemgem57 · 24/09/2025 08:24

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 24/09/2025 07:53

I would definitely go low to no contact with them.

Asking for the money back is pointless, but at least it has finally taught you what they’re like. I’m no contact with DB due to money as well, but as usual it’s beyond money. It’s the attitude towards you.

In my case, I was sending money monthly towards our mother (I’m a single parent) and getting phone call after phone call borderline harassing me because nothing is ever enough. Come to find, I was sending money like an idiot because he earns a very good wage, owns 2 properties, coughs up money for 2 personal trainers, maid, etc.

I don’t think I’ll be forgiving this any time soon tbh.

That’s horrible and I’m sorry to hear that..

OP posts:
MyDeftDuck · 24/09/2025 08:26

Just stop giving them money…….simple!
There’s also another saying……..”you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family’ !

babyproblems · 24/09/2025 08:28

TheSandgroper · 24/09/2025 01:22

You knew what they are like so that’s on you. However, you now know what to expect again if they ask and you can frame your response accordingly.

But, what I will also say is that you are a good person, You behaved as a good person does and you need to find your validation in that. They are not good people. You will never understand how they behave as they do. Don’t waste the energy trying to.

You now need to find the balance between you doing what you think is the right thing and being happy with your effort and finding the point at which you say “no” the next time they ask - because there will be a next time.

Finding another way to do Christmas doesn’t seem unreasonable.

This. You did the right thing x