So upset I lent family money

[gemgem57]

I know it’s an age old thing of don’t lend that which you can’t afford to loose. I’m fully aware it was my own stupid fault. I’m just so upset about it.

A few months ago I had a really good job. I was making thousands a month. My family all suddenly became leeches and asked me for every penny.
Mostly I said no apart from small things. Then, my sister had a massive issue with her tooth. Dental treatment is expensive in the Uk and I felt sorry for her. I paid it all. A few hundred a week.
It is pertinent to say that prior to this we were not close. She hasn’t worked for over 20 years due to anxiety and lives off of everyone else.

Well, the got this job and she was begging me for money. She was in agony apparently. I was not expecting payment as I knew she didn’t have funds.
But. The issue is now that she won’t even bother to talk to me. We weren’t close before granted but I stepped up when she needed help and I calculated I spent at least three thousand to help her.
she took it and doesn’t bother with me at all.
I know I was an idiot and I have no legal leg to stand on. But, would I be right to go no contact for this?

OP, I think it is normal in a healthy family - my Dc tells me how much they earn, but I don't then assume that it is up for grabs!

If you know (as you now do) that your family see what's yours as theirs (and doubtless what's theirs is theirs) it's best not to discuss it.

Your Mum should be proud of you and encouraging you to set yourself up with savings. house deposit, pension - not spending it on those who just live off others. It is outrageous that they all think your income is disposable on their behalf.

They are completely out of order. And your Mum: outrageous.

Set yourself a savings plan, put money away each month and just say 'my savings is tied up'.

If they badger you like this it is probably best to keep them at a very long arms length.

Fool you once, shame on her.
Fool you twice, shame on you.
Low contact, no more gifting.
You can't buy their love.

I’m 40 so I should know better.

OP. If you are 40 and it sounds like you've only just got a very high salary, you should be doing all you can to save to secure your future. The state pension is tiny and if you have this money and give much of it away to them, you are depriving yourself of a comfortable retirement. Or of access to medical treatment yourself.

I bet its not just the latest salary increase, to be in that position, You must have been subsidising these fools for years. I guarantee that they will come up with lots of reasons for you to subsidise them - all compelling.

No need to feel guilty. You've helped them enough and they are not even grateful. They think its their due. It isn't. it's your turn. You earnt this money with your hard work and deserve to see the benefits from it. The bank of @gemgem57 should firmly close its doors, using any excuse available.

I also think your mother's attitude is outrageous too and @StewkeyBlue and @moderate had some good advice.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuffyou are 100 percent right. Thank you 🙏🏼

Thank you for all the supportive comments.
I just tuned 40 so still relatively young lol. It’s helped a lot.

Sounds like a cosmetic procedure. Which an NHS dentist will not do because well it's taxpayers money at the end of the day.

Yep. I went from a really well paying job where I'd always helped grabby family members and told them I didn't want it back. Because I knew what it was like to repeat the cycle of owing money again once you've got paid putting you back in debt.

When I left my 'DH' (DV) and found myself waiting for benefits after I no longer had a job. Those same grabby family members who all had jobs by then and I was desperate enough to ask. Told me that's what foodbanks are for and outright refused. Their prerogative of course but it sure made the scales drop from my eyes.

I won't help now.

Take it as a lesson learned OP. Book yourself a nice holiday away somewhere on a staycation and don't let their ignoring of you guilt you into helping further.

Hmmmm. Not unreasonable..but revenge ?
Christmas and birthdays you could send cards to your relatives saying,

"Last year I lent "my grabby relative" money, Im going to transfer £50 of that repayment to you, so "my grabby relative" can pay you £50 instead of paying it back to me.
Happy Christmas.

Thus making sure that the shit is spread around evenly.

I know it’s wrong. I won’t buy any Christmas presents.
unfortunately I did give my other sister all of my other savings. I am totally responsible for it. It was almost ten grand. Totally stupid if me.
I don’t know what I was thinking.

They laid the bait and like a fool you bit!
learn from your mistakes move on and don’t waste you time on them!

Why did you do this?

Yep.

OP, if you gave your other sister £10k I think there is some emotional issue going on here.

Have they always treated you like the Cinderella? Expected you to work and take responsibility while your sisters did sweet FA?

Might you be trying to get favour or love or acceptance?

To get your Mum to be proud of you and see how well you have done for yourself?

Is your self esteem low?

Get all this looked at. Maybe read some self help books.

You know now that giving your money away just makes you feel even worse. Even more taken for granted and exploited - and yes, in the end, unloved.

Luckily for you you seem to have escaped their lazy non-achieving greed and made a life for yourself.

YOU are the strong one, not them.

YOU can build your work and career and build a future for yourself free of them.

Don't beat yourself up about what's past - eyes forward, be proud of what you did and put your own life first.

Do you still have a job?
A good enough job?
You said you 'had' really high paying job?

Why did I do this as someone asked ?

because I wanted to be loved. I wanted more and definitely didn’t expect someone behave like this.

Yes I have my own business. The job really had nothing to do with it but I knew someone would say something about it.

OK, well that's good to know OP - I was worried that you had had a good job but now have nothing from which to look after yourself. It is good that you have your business and are working hard and are successful.

It's good that you have identified why you did this.

So you can take steps to address this.

It's ironic, isn't it? You probably felt like you wanted to be loved because your Mum was a shit Mum in the first place. And now they have demonstrated exactly how shit by exploiting your attempts to get noticed.

Concentrate on friends who value you you for who you are. Who give as much as they accept in terms of support. Who make you feel appreciated without you having to look for it. And above all else, YOU look after YOU.

You have done really well and you deserve to enjoy your success.

If you want to respond to specific comments, click on ‘quote’ in the bottom left hand corner. Your comment will come up as a reply - line this one.

I don’t have the job anymore but I have made money in other ways.
people keep asking me this. I made my money myself. It didn’t take anything away from my sister. She just chooses not to work and won’t do anything for herself.

I asked upthread - do you have a partner and/or close friends? What’s your support system outside of your family?

Your sister could had easily phoned 111 and asked for an emergency dentist appointment. I think it would be free under the NHS.

people keep asking me this. I made my money myself. It didn’t take anything away from my sister. She just chooses not to work and won’t do anything for herself.

People irl? As I don’t think anyone on this thread has suggested you took anything from your sister.

You have been kind and generous.
Those are not faults.

But the people you were kind and generous to exploited you and they are not even grateful. Unfortunately, "eaten bread is soon forgotten" That is NOT your fault. That is their awful lack of character.

I think you've been almost "trained" by your family to run around after everyone and because you finally had something to give, they latched on and pressurised you to help help help them.

I say this kindly, but I really think you need to spend money on getting some help with some of this and to undo that automatic "training" reflex. Its not fair that you 've been treated like that and so you need a bit of support to get over it.

For example, you said "I know it’s wrong. I won’t buy any Christmas presents."
Really think about why you think its wrong. Its totally justified. Why should you continue to buy lovely presents (because I'm betting you always buy lovely gifts) for people who "borrowed" money and won't pay you back, who have been leeching off you for years. And aren't even grateful. They withhold affection to get you to keep giving to keep making up for .... what? I know its wrong makes you sound as if you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. In a normal family, they would be so grateful to have you as a family member. It's entirely their loss that they don't appreciate how kind you are.

Presents are a privilage and you've already given enough. Its a signal that the bean feast has ended.

No point beating yourself up about how much you gave, unless you think there's a chance of recovering it, you may have to let it go. I note you said you gave her ALL of your savings. Why wasn't a portion good enough? You had to give her everything, with no written agreement. Never lend without a written agreement again, and then think seriously about whether you should do it at all in future. YOU ARE NOT A BANK, or a free grant giver.
You need to focus on yourself from now on.

OP, your family members have treated you appallingly.

Go somewhere nice for Christmas and have as little to do with them as possible.

Also consider some therapy for yourself to work out why you felt you had to hand over so much money, and to help stop you doing it again!

I wish you luck - stay strong!