So upset I lent family money

[gemgem57]

I know it’s an age old thing of don’t lend that which you can’t afford to loose. I’m fully aware it was my own stupid fault. I’m just so upset about it.

A few months ago I had a really good job. I was making thousands a month. My family all suddenly became leeches and asked me for every penny.
Mostly I said no apart from small things. Then, my sister had a massive issue with her tooth. Dental treatment is expensive in the Uk and I felt sorry for her. I paid it all. A few hundred a week.
It is pertinent to say that prior to this we were not close. She hasn’t worked for over 20 years due to anxiety and lives off of everyone else.

Well, the got this job and she was begging me for money. She was in agony apparently. I was not expecting payment as I knew she didn’t have funds.
But. The issue is now that she won’t even bother to talk to me. We weren’t close before granted but I stepped up when she needed help and I calculated I spent at least three thousand to help her.
she took it and doesn’t bother with me at all.
I know I was an idiot and I have no legal leg to stand on. But, would I be right to go no contact for this?

You live and learn. In this world there are givers and takers, unfortunately your family are the takers. I think by you lending/giving them money you were hoping they would be nicer, friendlier towards you in the future, this never happens with the takers of the world. You definitely do not need to be around them at Christmas, get yourself away if you can, failing that just pop in for 10 mins, or tell them you are feeling ill so wont be around at Christmas, or tell them the truth that they are life’s takers, sponges, leeches and you are done with them.

It sounds like you felt/feel some obligation to help them? If you look around on here you will see people talking about FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) in unhealthy relationships which I think is worth a bit of time thinking about, and also the Stately Homes threads where people who have difficult relationships with family share experiences and support each other. Your time and money are yours and you don’t have to provide any of them to anyone, not even your family. Do what you want to do at Christmas and every day!

You did a kind thing . But I suspect they are angry and jealous of you, so they’ll take what you give, but gifts won’t buy a good relationship them.
So I’d go low contact.

Then don't
Go away somewhere lovely on your own

I don't think you need to do anything dramatic like officially "go nc" - just don't give them another penny, ever, and then let whatever happens happens. If you find they suddenly aren't so keen on spending time around you, well, now you know what sort of people they are and what they really value you for. If the relationship becomes distant when they're not getting anything out of it, so be it.

It’s horrible to feel used. Your sister is not a nice person clearly. You are clearly learning from your mistake as you are not sharing your salary with them.
With regards to christmas, if you have a boyfriend/partner/husband, I would tell them that I am traveling, spending Christmas at my in laws.. I would lie to avoid the whole thing.

Did you tell them about your fabulous new job because you wanted their approval? You wanted them to finally acknowledge that you are successful and you've 'made it'? They won't ever do that. You see success and they see pound signs, they simply aren't capable of seeing that you are a capable person in your own right. They just see you as someone who will pay up. You aren't even really a person to them.

It's a lesson hard learned. But take it to heart. Keep these people at arm's length. Be cordial when necessary but never go to them with anything, information, requests or money. Don't be around them any more than you have to. Find yourself your own kind of people to surround yourself with.

My family didnt like me

I wouldve done anything to make them love me, including spending on gifts and giving money without question

We are now estranged. Funnily enough, when I was at rock bottom and had nothing to offer, they suddenly found that they couldn't stand me and had to let me know.

Go your own way girl and never help them again x

They’ve done you a big favour, as now they can no longer ask you for money, and if they do you have a perfectly legitimate reason to say no as they haven’t paid it back, it can work out in your favour.

we have this with BIL he asks to borrow money occasionally, which he does eventually pay back, but you don’t see him the whole time he has it, it’s frustrating as it really messes with family dynamics, I think he feels embarrassed/awkward he hasn’t paid it back, so stays away, and the odd time he ever asks again without paying the money back we just say no.

don’t leave your family over it, unless you have other reasons to go NC, but don’t ever lend them money again, if you do give it as a gift and write it off and tell them it’s a one time deal so there’s no awkwardness, or just learn to say no, if you struggle with excuses just say ‘I’ve changed jobs and don’t have any spare’ never tell them how much you earn ever again!

The first way to claw back some of the money is to do no Christmas presents for anyone. That should help by a few hundred pounds - which is a good chunk of the 3000 that your sister isn’t ever going to repay.

If you want to see them at Christmas, then do so. But go empty handed and if asked, say that you’ve shelled out a lot this year and it’s been too much. I’d say that directly and cheerfully. You really have to find your balls in this situation and you sound like you have people pleasing tendencies - so practise this. If you can’t face going empty handed, then take a small box of chocs for each person, making sure you get them on clubcard price or similar.

Alternatively you could tell them that you are just not coming. Say you’re exhausted and the Christmas period is just going to be quiet at home this year. That way you leave things flexible if you change your mind in the future about seeing them.

As soon as people think you have even a tiny bit more money than them, they often feel very entitled to it.

But why did your family even know you were earning thousands a month?
Most don't even discuss their earnings, and someone like you, who has a greedy family, would never let on about their earnings.
You say you weren't even expecting payment from her as she has nothing, so be grateful she isn't speaking to you now, she has shown her true colours, you haven't really lost anything as you weren't expecting the money back, so your life will be a lot easier....and please say no to the lot of them, they sound awful.

Be in contact or not as you choose or feel you want to.

But just make it clear that the bank is now closed, and don’t discuss money.

If they ask just say ‘sorry not possible ‘ ‘sorry, helped out before, bank now empty / closed’ ‘we’ve had this conversation, can we move on’ etc.

It seems your sister is barely in contact anyway so what contact is there to cut?

You are the better person for having helped your DSis. But you don’t need to give in to greedy entitled leeches.

1. Ask for it back. Nicely.
2. Ask for it back in writing.
3. Ask for it back in writing, saying you will pursue through small claims court (which has the possibility of affecting their credit rating)
4. Make a claim through the Small Claims Court.

I agree with your view that in this instance you were an idiot. And now you suffer the consequences. Unfortunately, that is life. People make stupid mistakes because the don't think things through and later they have to deal with the fallout.
Chalk it up to experience and make sure that you never ever do such a silly thing again.
Try to remember the pain and the embarrassment that you are feeling right now to make sure you don't trip yourself up again.

Three grand to fix one tooth?! Even if it was a removal and full implant that's expensive.

Did you pay the dentist? If the money went directly to her I'd imagine the tooth story was bullshit.

You're not going to get any money back because it wasn't a loan. And you knew she has zero income. But it's totally fine to not want to speak to any of your family if they treat you this way.

It's so upsetting but could you frame it as it's cost you however much to find this out so it's money well spent? And you do not do this again. Or spend holidays with them.

I don't get people sometimes. I wouldn't treat a stranger like this.

I would go lc and in time nc too. I've dropped out at various points on the 'contact spectrum' with a few people, and life is so much better and easier for it.

The only downside is, sometimes you have to live with the idea of being the 'bad guy' to certain family members or friendship groups. Which I think prevents a lot of people from exiting situations that aren't good for them.

All I can say is that in my experience, that guilty feeling fades! And you come out the other side like a ton weight's been lifted from you. All the best in your lighter new life OP.

I think, you were unused to having a good salary, and wanted to be generous to family, which was really nice of you.

They on the other hand simply took advantage. You are not wrong to set a boundary so that they don't do this again and don't see you as the family piggy bank.

If your sister can't be bothered to talk to you after you helped her out with £3k she will never repay. Let her. Let her be like that. She's the one that is missing out on a good relationship with a kind and considerate sister, it is entirely her loss, although I expect it won't be long before she comes tapping on the Bank of Sis for another handout.

If you want to ... do some token presents.. A nice box of chocolates or something. You REALLY need to discourage the attitude that you are there to step in with a new PS6, or a new iphone or whatever unattainable thing they are longing for. Set a strict budget of £20 a head and no more. But really if they are not going to pay you back then you don't need to buy them anything. And I'd be making a note of which of them actually returns your money or buys you a present. You should go through your accounts and keep a record of what you've lent to them.. and mention the lack of repayment if they keep asking. Have any of them been particularly kind to you? I think if you say no to the next installment of free cash you will be able to tell from their reactions what they really think.

For your own sanity go see a financial advisor. .You should be focusing on your savings and investments, saving for a home and MOST importantly PENSION so that this money is not just sitting there for hand outs to them.

• Who would bale you out if you became unemployed or needed expensive medical treatment.
• What would you survive on if you got made redundant or don't want to go back to work after maternity leave for eg...
• or if you have future children.. this is money for their future.

You will have to be self reliant and you can't do that if you are bearing the financial burdens of your own family.

Invent some excuses.. "Its in a long term saving plan that I can't access" is a good one. "It's all gone into a works pension and I can't take it out".... "The company are having cut backs, I don't know how long I will be there." Anything really if you don't want to say an outright no. Or take the bull by the horns and say an outright no. Remember you never have to agree to anything at the time.. Let me think about it.. followed by a text with your decision.

And yes. You should cut the apron strings..It doesn't mean NC, but put more focus on building your own new life, making new connections... do you want to buy your own place?
Go on holiday over Christmas somewhere lovely. It will be much better than home with everyone wanting things from you this year. Sorry you are going through this, but maybe its a push on the road to independance and thinking more about yourself and your own future security, which is not a bad thing at all.

if your sister's been out of work for many years, surely she's entitled to free dental treatment anyway? (and offering to help pay towards the costs of travel to an NHS dentists - or dental school <ie free treatment> - anywhere in the country would have worked out a lot cheaper than £3k!)

At least if she isn't now bothering to stay in touch, you don't need to go to much effort for there to be no contact between you. How many other leechy family members do you have? Is there anyone you'd actually like to be in touch with?

When I got married (many moons ago) my dad sat me down and told me that if we ever needed money to come to him first. If he could help he would, but that the first time it wasn’t repaid would be the last.
I made the same rule with my own children and have helped them several times over the years, at one time I “owned” both of their cars. I’ve never charged them interest and if I have decided to “write off” the debt it has been my choice.
if/when they come to you again just say no, they didn’t pay you back previously and you cannot gift them. Your conscience can be clear and they will have to respect your boundaries.

@gemgem57 you may not have had a formal agreement but if you have any discussions of paying back (in messages for example) you might be able to go the legal route. I’m not usually a vengeful person but it seems your family have all treated you very badly and you’ve gone out of the way to help them. Does your house insurance have legal cover so you could ask if you have any options? And I’d definitely want nothing more to do with them … and I’d let them know you’re aware the only time you hear from them is when they want something, then cut them off. Money grabbing selfish lot.

I don't think the lesson learned here is about your relationship with your family. You already knew how she was. This is about talking about money with other people. They cannot ask for loans etc if you don't tell them what you have. From my own experience, it creates bitterness and resentment. Some people are inherently jealous of other people and their wealth (I have a neighbour who loathes me for it and we have never had a civil conversation in ten years because of it). It comes without an appreciation of the hard work and wise financial judgement that often goes with the acquisition of assets or income. Cut your leech family off. You can forge your own life without conflict then.

To those asking why they even know how much I get- I did tell my mum once as I thought it was a normal thing to to. I honestly didn’t know it t was unusual.
Reading all the replies I realise it’s not usual.
They do think they’re all entitled to it.
my mum did even say once that she doesn’t see the issue as I’ll get it again next month.
I was angry about that but it went no where as they all said the same thing.

How old are you, OP? Do you have friends/a partner/a support network outside of your family? As none of this is normal and it’s surprising you think it is.

This is why you never discuss what you earn with family, EVER!

Leeches, cut them off.