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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband & woman from work & therapist

79 replies

ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 20:59

name change! I checked my husbands phone for the first time in 12 years. Not saying that like it’s an achievement, just know it’s not ideal and giving context. It was only a quick scan and I found he had a message from a woman from work that was the link and email to a couples therapist.

I showed him straight away and asked for an explanation, and I cannot tell if I’m being paranoid or if this is an odd response.

i said, why has she sent you that and he went on a long winded story about how she’s lost a lot of weight and on a recent work trip was raving about this therapist who helped her with her relationship (but yet she is now single?). I said okay so you were talking about our relationship to someone from work (which I was uncomfortable with but not angry) and he denied and said not at all, that he never discussed us at all, but that she just said apparently this therapist was really good and sent it to him.

writing this down it doesn’t seem such a biggie but I just feel the story doesn’t add up! He even said he’d told her I don’t need a therapist but she sent him a couples therapist anyway. He doesn’t know her well, she’s very attractive and recently single. Am I being crazy?

OP posts:
Springadorable · 23/09/2025 21:07

I can't think of a good reason that someone he doesn't really know would randomly send a colleague information on a couple's therapist without prompting.

MumoftwoNC · 23/09/2025 21:10

Maybe he did tell his colleague that he's looking for a couples therapist? I'm not particularly close with the colleagues in my team (for example I cam count on one hand the total number of times I've met with any of them outside work, in six years) and yet, I know about one having troubles in his marriage, I know about the health issues suffered by another colleague's wife, etc.

People sometimes talk to each other about this stuff at work. It doesn't imply particular closeness.

The woman was perhaps chatting about psychology of couples in general, then gave as an example about a good therapist she went to, and then your dh said "oh that does sound good, can you send me the details".

It seems unlikely he's having an affair with her, then why would she help him mend your marriage?

Original poster
ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:10

@Springadorable thank you! I even said if you’re talked about us it’s fine it’s not ideal but I understand, although he says he’s happy overall. But he vehemently denies it and says he would never do such a thing.

I think my gut is telling me he went into deny mode immediately and now he won’t back down, but wondering if there is more to it.

OP posts:
moderate · 23/09/2025 21:10

Was the link billed as a "couples therapist" by her in the message, or was it just a link to someone who does couples therapy as well as other types of therapy?

Original poster
ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:11

@MumoftwoNC that would all make sense to me, and I’ve said this to him and that it’s fine but he’s adamant she knows nothing about him or his relationship. Which just seems odd!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:12

@moderate she is a couples therapist specialist, I found her instagram it’s just focused on couples.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 23/09/2025 21:12

Springadorable · 23/09/2025 21:07

I can't think of a good reason that someone he doesn't really know would randomly send a colleague information on a couple's therapist without prompting.

Same. At the very least he’s complained about something to her.

Spyship · 23/09/2025 21:13

Was it just him.and this woman on the recent work trip OP or were there other colleagues there?
I'm genuinely puzzled as to why any woman would be banging on to a male work colleague about her weight loss. Unless he was very invested in her appearance.
And why else would she be sending him information about a couples therapist unless he had been confiding in her about his own marriage?
He sounds uncomfortably close to this woman if she is supposed to be just a work colleague.

Greggsit · 23/09/2025 21:13

Why were you going through his phone in the first place? You said you've never done it before, so why now?

Original poster
ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:13

Would it be OTT to email her and just ask her for context on why she sent it? That’s the only message between them, the link to her instagram and the therapists personal email,

OP posts:
MumoftwoNC · 23/09/2025 21:13

ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:11

@MumoftwoNC that would all make sense to me, and I’ve said this to him and that it’s fine but he’s adamant she knows nothing about him or his relationship. Which just seems odd!

In the example I gave, your dh didn't talk about you though. It is possible. I'm much more the listener at work about personal stuff, people tell me all kinds of shit about their marriages, etc. All he might have said was, can you send me the details so I can look the therapist up [eg to read their research].

I think the main issue you should be addressing is that your dh wants couples therapy. The colleague is probably totally irrelevant

Original poster
ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:14

@Spyship it was just them travelling for work

OP posts:
MumoftwoNC · 23/09/2025 21:14

ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:13

Would it be OTT to email her and just ask her for context on why she sent it? That’s the only message between them, the link to her instagram and the therapists personal email,

Yes it would be ott, I can't believe you are considering this.

Maybe you should do the couples therapy

moderate · 23/09/2025 21:15

ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:12

@moderate she is a couples therapist specialist, I found her instagram it’s just focused on couples.

Where does the weight loss come into it then?

Original poster
ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:16

@Greggsit a moment of madness. He is secretive with his phone, but he’s always been like that (his possessions in general he’s protective of). It was weird just a gut feel to do it. I think because I sensed he wanted his phone back (I was looking at photos)

OP posts:
LegoPicnic · 23/09/2025 21:16

ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:13

Would it be OTT to email her and just ask her for context on why she sent it? That’s the only message between them, the link to her instagram and the therapists personal email,

Yes, it would be completely OTT.

And the fact you’re even considering that makes me think that couple’s therapy may not be the worst suggestion ever.

MumoftwoNC · 23/09/2025 21:16

Spyship · 23/09/2025 21:13

Was it just him.and this woman on the recent work trip OP or were there other colleagues there?
I'm genuinely puzzled as to why any woman would be banging on to a male work colleague about her weight loss. Unless he was very invested in her appearance.
And why else would she be sending him information about a couples therapist unless he had been confiding in her about his own marriage?
He sounds uncomfortably close to this woman if she is supposed to be just a work colleague.

Edited

I'm genuinely puzzled as to why any woman would be banging on to a male work colleague about her weight loss.

Are you joking! My colleagues who have lost weight talk about it quite a lot, to everyone. I've even been shown graphs (totally unasked for), by people I can barely remember their full name

Changedforcontroversialpost · 23/09/2025 21:17

I’ll get ripped to fucking shreds as usual but I’ll
still say it anyway. He’s lying, it doesn’t make sense and therefore it is almost definitely a lie. Why lie? Many reasons but most likely he talks about you and she thinks you need a couples therapist. If she’s pretty he’s probably flirting and pretending the relationship between you isn’t good. Men are almost all shit and would ruin their own lives very quickly given the chance. It’s my opinion and OP asked for opinions so please don’t bother telling me I’m a misandrist or that I’m cynical - I already know!

Original poster
ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:17

@moderate his immediate response was to talk about her weight loss and that a few people had commented on it to her and apparently it’s because of this therapist who’s helped her. sorry it doesn’t make sense much. It doesn’t to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:18

@LegoPicnic i appreciate the frankness!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:19

@Changedforcontroversialpost this is where my head is it.

why not just say we were talking about the relationship.

eurgh I wish I’d not looked

OP posts:
Hulabalu · 23/09/2025 21:19

Changedforcontroversialpost · 23/09/2025 21:17

I’ll get ripped to fucking shreds as usual but I’ll
still say it anyway. He’s lying, it doesn’t make sense and therefore it is almost definitely a lie. Why lie? Many reasons but most likely he talks about you and she thinks you need a couples therapist. If she’s pretty he’s probably flirting and pretending the relationship between you isn’t good. Men are almost all shit and would ruin their own lives very quickly given the chance. It’s my opinion and OP asked for opinions so please don’t bother telling me I’m a misandrist or that I’m cynical - I already know!

This makes more sense than what he’s said to OP

MumoftwoNC · 23/09/2025 21:19

I have a colleague who lost a certain amount of weight (I've been told the amount, can't remember) over the summer. All it took from me was a vague "how are you, you look tanned" or similar and bam I get all the facts and figures including the diet plan, and the graph going zig zag downwards, and they did not take the hint that I'm totally uninterested.

Some people talk all kinds of shit at work. It's no indication of closeness

Arlanymor · 23/09/2025 21:20

ThatLilacWriter · 23/09/2025 21:13

Would it be OTT to email her and just ask her for context on why she sent it? That’s the only message between them, the link to her instagram and the therapists personal email,

Yes it would. You know that though. If there’s an issue between you and your husband you need to discuss it with him.

MumoftwoNC · 23/09/2025 21:21

I see I'm alone here in thinking the explanation very plausible. It may be a lie but it's a plausible one, in my view