Husband & woman from work & therapist

[ThatLilacWriter]

name change! I checked my husbands phone for the first time in 12 years. Not saying that like it’s an achievement, just know it’s not ideal and giving context. It was only a quick scan and I found he had a message from a woman from work that was the link and email to a couples therapist.

I showed him straight away and asked for an explanation, and I cannot tell if I’m being paranoid or if this is an odd response.

i said, why has she sent you that and he went on a long winded story about how she’s lost a lot of weight and on a recent work trip was raving about this therapist who helped her with her relationship (but yet she is now single?). I said okay so you were talking about our relationship to someone from work (which I was uncomfortable with but not angry) and he denied and said not at all, that he never discussed us at all, but that she just said apparently this therapist was really good and sent it to him.

writing this down it doesn’t seem such a biggie but I just feel the story doesn’t add up! He even said he’d told her I don’t need a therapist but she sent him a couples therapist anyway. He doesn’t know her well, she’s very attractive and recently single. Am I being crazy?

Oh gosh I agree most people love talking about themselves and talking about their health! Ad nauseum.

I thought it was a couples therapist!Now it is a general therapist. Very odd.

It sounds to me like he isn’t happy with your relationship but is scared to raise it because of how he thinks you’ll react.

And frankly this post, with its looking through phones, considering contacting the woman, makes me think he’s completely correct.

Honestly - and pleas try to be honest - how controlling are you in other aspects of your relationship? If he was to be unhappy, what would he be unhappy about?

He appears to be lying or at the very least not telling the whole truth.
His explanation doesn't make sense.
The mystery is about why he is lying.
Maybe he was complaining about his marriage. May be he was also flirting. Only he knows.
But if it was me in your position I would definitely want a further explanation.

Not by me. I agree with everything you say.

Someond going over the top with seemingly long winded irrelevant details - can often be a sign they are lying.
Was he saying that the couples therapist is also a weight loss therapist ?
Call the therapist - ask her what she specialising in ? Sex ? Weight loss ?
What else ?
Please trust your gut.

It seems obvious to me - he was telling her his marriage is in trouble in the hope she’d sleep with him on the work trip. She either didn’t realise he was lying so sent him the link to genuinely help him, or she realised what he was up to and sent him the link to give a clear message she’s not interested.

sorry OP, he’s been looking to cheat. Question is, what do you do about it? Are you otherwise happy in the marriage?

I am gonna say i'd feel like its some kind of flag for something.

What stood out for me in your post is that you had a "gut" feeling. You may not want to ignore that completely. With that being said, I have a man at work that I am very close to: talk on the phone a few times a week when he works remotely, go to lunches, meet for dinners, he comes to my office everyday when working on site and always sit next to each other in meetings. I have talked to him many times about my relationship and my weight! LOL I can see me texting him the name of a therapist.

My thoughts exactly.

Perhaps he’s told her his wife doesn’t understand him.
I would be very suspicious and now he knows you’re looking at his phone so will be ultra careful in future.
Try to find out more about this relationship.

This. He was hopeful but probably failed.

Why don’t you just ask him if he wants you both to see a couple’s therapist? If you see the therapist together, you might get an honest answer…

i agree with this.

@ThatLilacWriter, his story doesn’t make sense because it is indeed ludicrous.

My take: He is lying to you. He’s been inventing issues and ‘confiding’ about your marriage to this newly single female colleague as a tactic to get close to her and test the waters. She in turn set a boundary by sending him the couple counselor’s contact information.

When you rumbled him, he bricked it and went into damage control mode. He grabbed onto her weight loss and fed you the story of the counselor’s support as a cover. As others have commented, she would not have recommended a marriage counselor unless he had been complaining about your relationship.

He is exploring opportunities elsewhere, @ThatLilacWriter. You would be wise to read him the riot act and set some sharp consequences.

Or indeed insist on going to marriage counselling!

But I do think there’s a possibility she’s a therapy fan, or evangelist, as suggested above. Some people feel everyone should go to therapy when they’ve been themselves.

Thanks for the further messages on this, sorry I didn’t get the email that there were any further replies!

to clarify a few bits

• the therapist she sent him is specifically a couples therapist
• the woman at work doesn’t see this therapist anymore, as her relationship broke down as her partner continued to cheat (I know she seems to have shared a lot)
• I asked DH if he wants therapy and if there are any issues - and he said no, I really pushed on this and he was adamant there are no issues, very confusing
• to the person who asked about being controlling, I’d like to think not! He has a hobby which takes him out 2 nights a week and half to one full day at a weekend, I’ve never checked his phone before and have not had any need to worry previously

there is one thing that probably screams affair but he’s started going into work really early, as in 7am, but not finishing early. That did seem really odd to me but he says it’s so he can have time to work without his team asking questions constantly.

also I hadn’t thought that it could be her way of basically rejecting him, I’d immediately felt anger towards her - like she was meddling, had bad motives. clearly I have some internalised misogyny going on that I need to work on!

I’m sorry to say this and I hope I’m wrong but being a suspicious person I’d be discreetly checking if he’s still going to his hobby - I’ll now put my hard hat on as I know it’s not the ‘ done thing ‘ on MN to snoop - but call me Snoopy!

Sorry this doesn’t add up - check if he’s changed his password etc

Maybe the fact that the OP checks his phone. I wonder what other boundaries the OP does not respect?

If you felt the need to check his phone/email one assumes you have a problem or a suspicion.
If that is the case maybe you need couples therapy.

This could also be true. Don't get me wrong, I've never checked another person's phone in my life, I think it's a horrible invasion of privacy and am regularly surprised at how many people on MN make excuses for it.

@Teajenny7 i didn’t check his email, not sure where that came from

and actually he was really understanding about it. I explained why I did it ‘I got the sense you wanted the phone back when I was looking at photos’. And he agreed he did want the phone back, but that it was because of some lad banter he didn’t want me to see (which I didn’t pry into further).

anyway, now I’m being called a ‘horrible person’ (thanks @Arlanymor ) so think I will ignore this thread from now. Checking a phone isn’t something I want to do again and it isn’t ideal, but the way some people jump to a character assassination is pretty sad.

Just ignore them. You’re not a horrible person at all, you can tell from your answers that you’re educated and giving him the benefit of the doubt etc. Just be vigilant now I guess, good luck x