Husband & woman from work & therapist

[ThatLilacWriter]

name change! I checked my husbands phone for the first time in 12 years. Not saying that like it’s an achievement, just know it’s not ideal and giving context. It was only a quick scan and I found he had a message from a woman from work that was the link and email to a couples therapist.

I showed him straight away and asked for an explanation, and I cannot tell if I’m being paranoid or if this is an odd response.

i said, why has she sent you that and he went on a long winded story about how she’s lost a lot of weight and on a recent work trip was raving about this therapist who helped her with her relationship (but yet she is now single?). I said okay so you were talking about our relationship to someone from work (which I was uncomfortable with but not angry) and he denied and said not at all, that he never discussed us at all, but that she just said apparently this therapist was really good and sent it to him.

writing this down it doesn’t seem such a biggie but I just feel the story doesn’t add up! He even said he’d told her I don’t need a therapist but she sent him a couples therapist anyway. He doesn’t know her well, she’s very attractive and recently single. Am I being crazy?

Really?

Well given OP says it was just this woman and her H on this work trip I would find her giving a blow by blow account of her weight loss to a married male colleague rather too intimate actually.
If they are just work colleagues why does she assume he is so interested in her body?

Good god, don't do that! If I were her, I would think you are jealous, insecure and have no respect for your partner's personal space/privacy. Also, that you don't trust your partner. Might all be true but you don't want to signal that to her!

You looked because you sensed he was keeping something from you .
he was and it’s better to know than not. Maybe you have stopped something before it started …or you have a chance to.Maybe

Sorry!

Really because I don't think weight loss chat is intimate at all - if by intimate you mean flirty. Boring and oversharing, yes. Does any woman genuinely try to woo a man by talking about fibre intake or fasting intervals or probiotics or whatever? I'm not a man, maybe men are turned on by that, I couldn't be...!

The only thing I would add is that I do sometimes find people seeing therapists can become evangelical about therapy and their therapist and offer / give out their therapist’s details if anyone responds in even a slightly positive way - eg politely saying, it’s great that you’re finding it so helpful.
Just to add another perspective.
I’m not saying it’s nothing, but also it might be nothing. I guess keep an eye on your husband’s behaviour to see if you think there’s anything else? (And, I wouldn’t email his colleague - in most work places that would spread like wild fire and your husband would likely be mortified… and, if something is going on, she’s not going to tell you.)

Thank you for the replies, seems a mix of responses so at least has calmed me in not thinking it’s 100% something bad, I have to be up at 5 for work so might not reply shortly as will be sleeping.

So it sounds as though this therapist is not solely a couples therapist.

I don't talk weight loss with anyone. My weight and what I think about it and do about it is very personal to me.

I just can't think how if you are away on a work trip with a married man who is supposed to be a work colleague you would think It appropriate to talk about something so personal with him.

Unless the relationship was not purely a working one.

You might not talk about your weight loss, but I'm guessing your personality in general is not an oversharing one. Many people at work talk about themselves.

I know inside out how Slimming World works and I've never been on a diet in my life. I had an ex colleague who told me literally everything about it for four years, even though I was not interested. Healthy choice B, 4 sins, blah blah all day long. I remember she lost four stone because she showed me her certificate. If she'd had a therapist she'd probably have sent me the link to them.

Exactly, he must have been moaning to her about his relationship….but at least she sent him a link to a therapist to sort his marriage out so she probably wasn’t interested and that was her way of mating it clear

@MumoftwoNC

You must have the patience of a saint!

I may be being cynical, but my guess would be that he was moaning about the relationship ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ etc hoping to get his end away on his business trip.
She sent the couples therapist info as a polite brush off.

This sounds very plausible

I go away on work trips with various colleagues, and I can actually picture me being the woman in this scenario.
I tend to waffle on and tell people my life story, and that would include losing weight, if I had!
I might also share information of services I recommend, so I might share details of a therapist with a colleague.
I can picture a few male colleagues that I might have this interaction with, and all they would have done is nod along politely!

That's just working in an office, isn't it? I'm a teacher, so it was a staffroom but same thing I guess. People talk shit at work, it's why so many people prefer to wfh.

That's why I think op's dh might not be lying, he might just have a colleague like the one I had (and I have some current ones similar, like the recent weight loss graph guy)

This is what I mean! I have had so many colleagues like this. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike them. I just let them waffle on at me and it's all amicable

I’m sorry I also don’t see weight loss as something you can’t discuss with a married colleague, as it’s intimate. I find that a very odd view. I talk about my weight loss if asked, it’s as far from a come on as it gets.

op, he’s clearly been telling her his relationship is in a bad way and she’s suggested a therapist. However he obvs doesn’t want to tell you this. The weight loss is irrelevant, other than maybe he now fancies her due to it.

This would be my assumption also. No one suggests a couples therapist to someone in a happy relationship

I’ve lost loads of weight … spoke to loads of people about it, including male colleagues

My instinct would be that she’s the pushy overbearing type who thinks that what’s good for her is automatically good for everyone else. I’ve encountered people like this before, trying to push their way of doing things onto you and constantly asking if you’ve done whatever it is that they’re so sure is going to improve you life yet and demanding to know why not. It’s exhausting.

If I’m right, he’d have only needed to be vague about you when closely quizzed because he didn’t feel comfortable sharing any information about your marriage and she’ll have taken it to mean something’s wrong.

I could be way off the mark here, but something about the description of her gave me that vibe. I’m a wheelchair user and have had a few people try to push me into a treatment they know will make a huge difference to me, so perhaps I’m just more exposed to this sort of thing than most people.

This is the most likely option. The weight loss was the first excuse/distraction off the top of his head to lie about what was actually happening. That’s why it didn’t make sense. He was trying it on with his colleague by pulling the old unhappy marriage card.

There’s no other explanation that makes sense. If he was presenting you as a happy couple she’d never have sent the link.

Budge up on the cynical bench. My immediate thought was him telling her how unhappy he is in his marriage, him hoping to get her into bed and she immediately shut him down with the couples therapist.

@Thelankyone
Well weight loss seems to be one of the MN obsessions. So many posters worrying about their weight, wanting to go on a diet, actually on a diet, asking about different diets , weight loss injection etc etc.
It's not a world Ive ever lived in and I actually thought it was an artificial MN world. I didn't think people in real life did sit and talk diets.
I know I'm old fashioned but I would look askance at any guy who sat and had a conversation with a colleague about dieting. What's wrong with talking about football for heaven's sake? Much more interesting.

Do you work from home? Or have an office room to yourself or are very senior?

Because every workplace I've been in, whether teacher staffroom, cocktail bar or bookshop, have all been like this. Weight loss comes under the category of health issues and people really love talking about their own health issues. I get it, it's part of human socialisation