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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends son

79 replies

Daisymay1000 · 23/09/2025 19:14

Hi

im new to this site and I don’t really know how to word it all. But I was wondering if I can get some opinions. Iv been with my partner 2 years now and at the moment we are back to doing long distance, he is in London and I’m in Manchester as he moved back there for a while. I don’t know how I feel about the fact he is around his exs home every day where his child is, sometimes he will be there in the morning before they go to school, he will always call In during the afternoon, sometimes puts them to bed. He does stay at his mums every night but just seems to spend the majority of his day with his ex and child like a family even though they aren’t together. I’m not saying he shouldn’t see his child but I just don’t know how comfortable I am with the arrangement he’s basically living family life with them? It’s not a conversation I even know how to have?! Is this normal or am I being unreasonable?? It’s not like you can say to someone they see their own kid too much, that isn’t my issue, it’s the constantly being around her in her house and basically living as though there a family??

OP posts:
Tontostitis · 23/09/2025 19:17

This is not the relationship for you. He has a family and living arrangements that are not compatible with a girlfriend

Springadorable · 23/09/2025 19:23

He's a good dad. His priority is his child. This is the correct way of things.

She will never not be in his life, so if you can't cope now, walk away.

NewDayNewColour · 23/09/2025 19:27

Leave them to bring up their child. He's a great dad by the sound of it

Original poster
Daisymay1000 · 23/09/2025 19:54

NewDayNewColour · 23/09/2025 19:27

Leave them to bring up their child. He's a great dad by the sound of it

As I say it’s not about the child. But being around her home every day multiple times a day is the problem. Especially when we are so far apart at the moment. Everyone else I know seems to have normal co parenting joint custody or access, they don’t basically spend every day together as a family unit

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 23/09/2025 20:06

Tontostitis · 23/09/2025 19:17

This is not the relationship for you. He has a family and living arrangements that are not compatible with a girlfriend

You might as well heed this advice. This relationship isnt the one for you. The only thing you can control in any situation is how you react to a situation. You cannot in any way 'suggest" he doesn't see his child, suggesting he doesn't spend all the time at his ex house, suggest he has the child at his etc.

You cant do any of that, because he has a child, hes being a good dad. You don't like it, but you cant change it - so id say you need to knock this one on the head. Either that or accept it, those are your only 2 options here.

Greggsit · 23/09/2025 20:16

He will always, rightly, prioritize his child. You are clearly not ready to parent with him if you think like this. You might as well call it a day now.

outerspacepotato · 23/09/2025 20:19

He's living with ex and his kids because that's where he wants to be. He's giving it another shot with her and hasn't been honest with you thinking you wouldn't find out because long distance.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 23/09/2025 20:25

How long will he be living back in London
Are you expecting / hoping for him to be returning to living in Manchester

How often did he see his child when he was living in Manchester.

ainsleysanob · 23/09/2025 20:31

He’s doing the right thing by his child and the wrong thing by you. But, you are a distant second to his child and that’s how it should be.

Penny2025 · 23/09/2025 20:43

I would disagree I don’t think it’s reasonable nor in the best interest of the child, they are not a couple- of course spend time with the child that is who his relationship is with not his ex. There is no need for them to play happy families and I think doing so just confuses the children. He needs a formal access agreement and needs to ensure he has a home base that he can have his son for his visitation. He needs to put his son first that does not mean he has to see him in his ex’s home. Have they been to court to arrange a custody schedule?

Springadorable · 23/09/2025 20:58

Penny2025 · 23/09/2025 20:43

I would disagree I don’t think it’s reasonable nor in the best interest of the child, they are not a couple- of course spend time with the child that is who his relationship is with not his ex. There is no need for them to play happy families and I think doing so just confuses the children. He needs a formal access agreement and needs to ensure he has a home base that he can have his son for his visitation. He needs to put his son first that does not mean he has to see him in his ex’s home. Have they been to court to arrange a custody schedule?

Why not? It sounds like the co parent very successfully. They may well work well as parents and go on days out together as a family but not as a couple.

Spyship · 23/09/2025 21:03

Yes i agree with @Penny2025
If they are no longer a couple then yes he should be seeing his child but not his ex. How confusing for the child if they really are separated for them to be more or less acting as a family unit. It should be formalised access.
I think that @outerspacepotato
may have a point though that the fact he is spending so much time with his son and his ex as a family unit might indicate he is hoping for a reconciliation with his ex.
I do think that if he continues to see his ex the way he is atm and isn't prepared to formalise the access arrangements then you would be much better off ending your relationship with him OP.

Redpeach · 23/09/2025 21:03

NewDayNewColour · 23/09/2025 19:27

Leave them to bring up their child. He's a great dad by the sound of it

Such a good dad he split from kids mum and got a bit on the side

Bradley28 · 23/09/2025 21:08

I guess if he has just moved back there and has no real base sorted for himself yet, what’s going on is ok. Is it just a short term thing, so not worth renting his own place? But I think if it’s something that’s going to continue, I wouldn’t be comfortable with it as it stands. I also think you are within your rights to ask how this is going to pan out- why not?

Burntt · 23/09/2025 21:09

There is a balance. A good dad will be around his ex a lot but this is extreme. I do think it sounds like he’s either back with her or trying to be. Either way this isn’t the relationship for you

BeenzManeenz · 23/09/2025 21:09

Ive chosen YANBU because it's okay to feel like this arrangement doesn't work for you. I suspect most women wouldn't be fine with their partner hanging round with the ex all day!

However he is a dad and his child is the priority, that will always be the case if he is a good dad. Having said that it might be confusing for the child the way they're behaving, but that's not really your business

All you can do is be honest with him about you feel and take it from there. But ultimately you may need to walk away if this is a long term situation, its untenable.

BauhausOfEliott · 23/09/2025 21:12

OP, I don’t think he’s staying at his mum’s every night.

Even if he is, this isn’t a relationship that’s going to work for you.

BeenzManeenz · 23/09/2025 21:12

Redpeach · 23/09/2025 21:03

Such a good dad he split from kids mum and got a bit on the side

Show quote history

What? Where did you get that information from?

For all you know she could have split up with him. And a 'bit on the side' does not describe the OP, she isn't having an affair with this man. Wtf.

outerspacepotato · 23/09/2025 21:20

@Spyship , that's why I think he's living there with them. This would be way too confusing and unsettling for their kid otherwise. He's keeping OP in the dark and in reserve in case their reconciliation doesn't work out.

Even if everything was as he says, this is not the relationship for you, OP. You're his third choice and he's going to put his child first and you're not comfortable with how he's up and gone about this (and you shouldn't be).

Penny2025 · 23/09/2025 21:39

Springadorable · 23/09/2025 20:58

Why not? It sounds like the co parent very successfully. They may well work well as parents and go on days out together as a family but not as a couple.

Show quote history

I believe you can have a good coparenting relationship with boundaries. Unfortunately they are not a family unit any longer rather they are 2 individuals that share a child and it’s by belief that acting as a family of 3 confuses the child. Better to have a clear custody arrangement and have the child know he has 2 households and a mum and dad that love him, the blurred lines can confuse a child.

Original poster
Daisymay1000 · 23/09/2025 22:39

outerspacepotato · 23/09/2025 20:19

He's living with ex and his kids because that's where he wants to be. He's giving it another shot with her and hasn't been honest with you thinking you wouldn't find out because long distance.

He really isn’t as I speak to him on FaceTime every night and I know ex and they are most definitely separated?

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisymay1000 · 23/09/2025 22:42

Redpeach · 23/09/2025 21:03

Such a good dad he split from kids mum and got a bit on the side

Show quote history

Excuse me? How rude. We have been together for 2 years and I am most certainly not a bit on the side. How disgsuting and bitter are you please for that comment! He is back in London at the moment due personal reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisymay1000 · 23/09/2025 22:45

BeenzManeenz · 23/09/2025 21:12

What? Where did you get that information from?

For all you know she could have split up with him. And a 'bit on the side' does not describe the OP, she isn't having an affair with this man. Wtf.

Show quote history

Literally this! The audacity of some people!! They separated well before myself and I go down and stay there with him often and the children come out with us, I am more than known as his bloody partner.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 23/09/2025 22:51

Daisymay1000 · 23/09/2025 19:54

As I say it’s not about the child. But being around her home every day multiple times a day is the problem. Especially when we are so far apart at the moment. Everyone else I know seems to have normal co parenting joint custody or access, they don’t basically spend every day together as a family unit

Show quote history

Does he have his own accommodation in Manchester? Or does he live with his mum?

It sounds like the child is most comfortable at home and that's why your boyfriend goes over there so much.

SandyY2K · 23/09/2025 22:52

Redpeach · 23/09/2025 21:03

Such a good dad he split from kids mum and got a bit on the side

Show quote history

You have no basis to make this comment at all.