Boyfriends son

[Daisymay1000]

Hi

im new to this site and I don’t really know how to word it all. But I was wondering if I can get some opinions. Iv been with my partner 2 years now and at the moment we are back to doing long distance, he is in London and I’m in Manchester as he moved back there for a while. I don’t know how I feel about the fact he is around his exs home every day where his child is, sometimes he will be there in the morning before they go to school, he will always call In during the afternoon, sometimes puts them to bed. He does stay at his mums every night but just seems to spend the majority of his day with his ex and child like a family even though they aren’t together. I’m not saying he shouldn’t see his child but I just don’t know how comfortable I am with the arrangement he’s basically living family life with them? It’s not a conversation I even know how to have?! Is this normal or am I being unreasonable?? It’s not like you can say to someone they see their own kid too much, that isn’t my issue, it’s the constantly being around her in her house and basically living as though there a family??

How often was he seeing his child before he moved? Why doesn’t he have his own place now and having regular contact with his child there? I can see why you aren’t happy but it’s confusing why this arrangement has happened.

his child would come down for two weekends then one weekend off then two weekend and one off and split the holidays.

the reason he’s back at his mums for a while is personal as I say but he will be coming back up here eventually.

his child’s mum isn’t the best of people tbh it was only a few weeks ago she was accusing him of being the worst father in the world and trying to get court orders in place against him so he couldn’t have his son but then seemingly now she’s had a change of heart and withdrawn them and he’s around there constantly. He definitely doesn’t stay there as he FaceTimes me every night. Ever since iv known him she’s been a spiteful person I think that’s another reason I don’t really like him being around there that much. He answers the phone when I call etc and will say he’s there but it just doesn’t sit right with me his day revolves around as though they are a family and he’s meant to be my partner?

Why did he normally live so far away from his DC?

Try not to take it personally, there are lots of unhappy trolls on MN.

So rude though, that's why I called it out.

I think some people project when it comes to these sort of posts hence the rudeness.

It seems ypu have two choices though OP...either love your partner even more because he's a good Dad and hopefully a good person or if you are struggling to do that and feel resentful (which might be undertandable) reconsider the relationship.

Can't you put it in a different way, he is spending time with his child in his childs home... not necessarily with his ex but she just happens to be the main parent and the child shares her home.
He doesn't have his own place down there so it makes sense for him to be there is his child is tbh.
I don't see the problem.

Why not?

Yeah I do love he’s a good dad but it’s pretty difficult the fact he’s around her constantly. I would feel much more comfortable if they had a arrangement like they did when we met or how most families are, it’s not a situation I entered into or signed up for or I wouldn’t of ever got into the relationship but it’s not my choice how they parent their child so im jus a bit stuck atm on what to do

Well, because if he was the one who moved away it kind of changes the assumption he’s a good, involved dad.

People move away for all sorts of reasons. Why would this imply he isn’t a good involved dad?

Does he work?

He is managing his children and a difficult ex. This is so much on his plate and, quite rightly he is prioritising them. Difficult ex is something someone who has not had to deal with it cannot begin to understand.

i expect he has to be there to prevent her kicking off and stopping him seeing his kids. Do you love him enough to always have this woman in your life because she will always be there. I suspect that if you move closer to him she will get worse.

If his child is in London, and he wants to be a good, present dad, you either need to move there with him or exit the relationship.
A distance relationship will struggle to survive the current arrangement- you are already jealous and suspicious. The clangs of doom are tolling.

Because to be a present dad, you need to be present, not just a weekender.
Most good parents won’t move away from their kids.

Agree - And London to Manchester is quite the distance

But parenting isn’t just a weekend job, it’s a daily job, it’s being involved in a child’s life, education, activities. Difficult to do that from miles away at the weekend.

Agree with above comments. Why move so far from your child… to me implies that child isn’t priority. Sounds like he’s had a lapse in judgement and realised this. Maybe that’s why he’s rethinking his options.

My partner lives close by to his ex and their daughter so that he can continue to be part of his DD's life.
He used to go every day but this happens less often as she's got older and spends more time with her friends, which is natural.
He does some family stuff with his ex + DD and I'm involved in some stuff too as we all get on well. Maybe you could ask to be involved sometimes too so you don't resent the time he spends there and can see the ex is no threat.
Or maybe you shouldn't have a relationship with a man with kids - they will ALWAYS come first, as they should.

Me and my children's dad are like this.
absolutely nothing going on romantically, it's just that we have children together and don't particularly want to make the kids live two fully separate lives. We talk a lot about the kids only for the most part. He comes over sometimes and spends time with them here. He has a girlfriend and it's not been an issue really

Do them all a favour and leave them to it.

They have an arrangement they’re happy with and that works for them. You have no right to start interfering with that, to the detriment of the child. It’s totally selfish to want to rearrange their lives to suit you.

Find someone who doesn’t have a child and prior commitments.

If I were you I’d knock it on the head and find someone without a child. Your partner’s situation probably won’t change for a while, hes always going to be round their family home. I understand your point of view, you want him to see his kids but don’t want him hanging out with his ex every day. Hes always going to put his kids though, first hence mum always being in the picture. Looks like they’ve found an arrangement that works for them

The difference is they are co-parenting as a couple in a house together rather than as individual parents. It is probably why she has withdrawn all the he is a shit Dad stuff because it is easier to parent with him there,

Look, you can say he is a great Dad but a great Dad would sacrifice a lot to be geographically close to his child he would move jobs, relocate, anything to be close enough to be present in their lives on a very regular basis not every other weekend and miles away.

His child will always come first, it won't end when they are out of school either, uni, wedding, christenings, birthdays for them, their children etc. You have to work out if this is something you are willing to play second fiddle to. I can understand why you are upset about this. Long term he might move back to London.

This.
@Daisymay1000 It is a bit concerning that you don't realise this.

Even if he was able to do what you want (i.e. only see his son at his own place in London, or at his mother's if he is living there), he will still be primarily focussed on his relationship with his son. If he is a good father, he will make arrangements to stay in London permanently.
You are a distant second, and that is as it should be.

I would advise you to end this relationship, and don't get involved with any other men who already have children.

Also remember, people usually get divorced because of their relationship with their partner, not their children. He obviously didn't want to be in a relationship with the Mother so dont focus on the fact that he's needing to spend time with her in order to see his son.

Because no loving, involved, pro-active dad would up sticks and move that far away from his child. Thats why.