Partner went to work while I had an operation

[birdieblue]

I had surgery today and needed a general anaesthetic. My partner has gone to work. I have recently moved to the area so don’t have a network of friends here yet who could have picked me up I have had to lie to the staff that there is someone home to look after me when I am discharged.

my partner knows I was worried about the surgery but last night chose to stay up late working on a diy project when I asked him if we could perhaps cuddle in bed.

i have also expressed that I would have
liked him to be at home after the surgery basically because it would feel nice to have someone to look after me and make sure I am okay. He usually works from home but has to go into the office today for voluntary training.

Even though he said he would come to bed after I asked he stayed up for hours and it led to a huge row. When I feel hurt and neglected I tend to get angry - and of course me getting angry has the opposite effect of me getting what I need - which is a cuddle and some tlc.

my partner is otherwise a thoughtful, caring type of person. He has a lot of worry about job security and I can understand why he felt he couldn’t take the day off work. He says he need to do the training because he is worried he is failing at work.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to have 1) been at home for me today (he could do the training another day) and 2) have thought about my emotional needs the night before surgery and been a little bit more thoughtful.

i have a history of childhood neglect butI am uber aware and make sure I know when I am acting out because of something that happens to me in the past. I tend not to overact to perceived neglect at least. But it does make me question myself as to what a “normal” reaction would be from someone who has come from a stable background.

the same thing happens for my birthday - no card, nothing other than a Happy Birthday. And I felt alone and neglected.

i appreciate that people have different ideas about what’s “normal”. So I have tried explaining very calmly about what I need and what makes me feel loved and that that might be completely different to what he needs or what his ex girlfriends/wife has needed
But I seem to be talking to thin air.

Am I being unreasonable?

I don’t want to spend the rest of.my relationship having to repeatedly have to ask for what I need when I feel it should be common sense - surely it’s common sense that your partner would want to be home after you’ve had an operation?

we have been together two years and live together.

I hope the surgery was successful OP and you are feeling a bit better physically.

There have been so many threads on MN about H's , and b/fs and partner's letting the OP.down and being totally uncaring and unsupportive when they are ill - I think there is one running currently. It really is a pattern of behaviour with a lot of men.

That's no consolation to you of course when it's your own partner who has let you down badly when you really needed his emotional and physical help and support. Honestly, I would struggle to get past this - particularly him not coming to bed to give you affection when that should have been an easy choice for him.

You have seen him who he is now and he doesn't come out of it well.

I think that perhaps once you are recovered from surgery, you need to think about what you are looking for from this relationship and whether you want to continue it if you aren't happy with no birthday cards, presents etc. and no cuddles when you ned reassurance.

As far as the surgery is concerned, I don't think he is unreasonable to go to work whilst you are under a general anaesthetic or recovering in hospital from the anaesthetic, so long as he is able to be there with you in the evening/overnight. But I don't think you should lie to the hospital that you will have someone with you when you are discharged. They specify this is needed for very good reason. when I have had general anaesthetics, they won't even let you leave unless someone comes to fetch you from the ward. You aren't allowed to drive yourself or get public transport. So if you tell them that for example your partner won't be able to collect you until say 6pm, you will normally be able to sit in the discharge ward until your partner can get there. That way there is always someone around if you were to collapse. (Obviously they are unlikely to physically restrain you if you just got up and walked out).

I wish you a speedy recovery from your operation.

The work thing I would be fine with, he’d be home after the training surely?

No birthday card I would not be fine with and I’m not sure about the cuddle in bed stuff. Wouldn’t bother me but that’s a personal thing I suppose.

The exact same circumstance for me was the beginning of a slow decline to divorce. I realised he didn't give a shit about me.

He works till 11 and because of public transport won’t be home till 1am.

I’m getting hospital transport home. My partner isn’t home till 1am

Very similar situation for me - i called 111 as i was in extreme agony, they said they would send an ambulance unless i could get myself there - so i asked my then partner and he huffed and puffed about having to leave work to take me - he literally pulled up outside A&E and dropped me off! Went back to work. I was in hospital for 4 days, when i got home the house looked like a right shit hole, no washing up had been done, his dirty clothes everywhere - i never looked at him the same and we broke up a year later!

You deserve better OP.

YANBU.

I’m sorry that happened to you. How heartbreaking. Good that you have moved on and hope you have someone or will find someone who treats you much better than that. x

Why is he still your 'partner' when he seems to be anything but

I understand op
I had an operation years ago ,and instead of coming to collect me on a 1 hour round trip my DH ,sent his dad ,my fil.
Needless to say it upset me greatly.
Because not only was he showing me he didn't care about me ,he was showing his parents to .
Sometimes I wonder why I'm still married

I don't think you should go home. Tell them your DP has been called away. You shouldn't be alone until 1am

Honestly yes this is a bit crap.

Not being there to look after you after GA, when the hospital says you need someone there - that’s not ok. As you say, his training could have been done another time. Did he know you had actually been medically advised to have someone looking after you?

No birthday card - also crap. We’re not really present givers but a card is surely the bare minimum.

Not being emotionally supportive the night before - not as bad, thoughtless but not as bad as the other two

All in all, two years together, not married and (I presume?) no kids - I’d be looking for something better.

You deserve better than this. It’s one thing if he went to work while you were in surgery, just to keep himself busy and keep his mind off things (wouldn’t be what I would do, but I could live with DH doing it). But he should be there to bring you home and keep an eye on you, given that no one else is around.

Are you having the op today OP? Hope it goes ok and I agree with a PP that you shouldn’t be alone afterwards, GA wearing off can make you quite woozy. Either tell your partner he HAS to be there on medical advice or tell the hospital nobody can look after you. Don’t lie.

The no present,card ,fuss on your birthday,would have me ending things .
Have you said what gifts you would like .
What's he like at Christmas,have you suggested some gifts you would like .
I think you should be honest with the hospital,that you are home alone this evening.it be better they keep you in ,to have some one keep an eye on you

Looks like you have fallen into the classic of repeating some aspect of your childhood experience. Sounds like he is being very avoidant, either because of callousness or he doesn’t feel equipped to deal with you being unwell and “needy” (the care that you are asking for is not excessive, it is a very modest request.)
I think it’s very clear that he is not able or willing to meet your emotional needs and this is a really profound dynamic which you’re not going to be able to resolve without a huge amount of work and commitment on both sides. alternative would be to leave, do some more work on yourself and then try again with a different relationship. Honestly, this is probably a more healthy way forward, but suspect you’ll be feeling quite vulnerable and it might feel unmanageable right now. Give yourself much love for now and look to extend your support network urgently, this will
make you feel less vulnerable and more able to assert your needs

First things first, you need to tell the hospital that there is no one at home.

It's important - they don't say you must have an adult with you for the fun of it, you could have an adverse reaction to the anaesthetic, or do something stupid because you're still out of it. I thought I was fine and then my coordination went and I chucked a cold drink all over myself after one of mine - made me realise why they specified I wasn't to use a kettle!

After you're over this you can take a look at the relationship in general. But most important right now is to be safe today.

I'm used to the no card etc on birthdays, my husband just doesn't care about that stuff.
However, he shows he cares in other ways.

I had major surgery last week. He got me to hospital on time, couldn't stay due to hospital policy, and he had to get kids to school anyway. Video calls in evening as I was overnight stay and then made sure to pick me up the next day. He's looked after me well since and spent more time at home than normal.
He's self employed so if not working not earning but he hasn't complained.

A loving partner should look after you, and vice versa. Arrangements can be made with work etc. Family always comes first.

I’m surprised the hospital hasn’t pre-warned you you need someone at home and overnight as a bare minimum after GA. I had an op in August and DH had to get me and stay with me. He actually ended up taking a week off to just help out while I recovered. Your partner isn’t doing nearly enough.

Operation aside, he will not provide what you want and need in a relationship. It's still a very new relationship, so once you've recovered, you can sort somewhere to live and enjoy life.

Boyfriends are for life enhancement and making everything easier and fun. This one is unsuccessful.

Please leave him before you have kids with him.

He is never going to change.

You have only wasted 2 years on this bloke.

anyone with half a brain cell knows that you need supervision at home after a GA.

you had to lie to the hospital because he’s not there for you.

he doesn’t treasure, value or even offer the basic level of care/concern for you.

cut your losses now. It won’t ever get any better.

If my dp was genuinely concerned about his job security and the potential for unemployment, I'd also be worried about that, so wouldn't expect him to take the day off work. If the surgery was planned in advance, why hadn't he booked an annual leave day though?
I wouldn't ask dp to go to bed at the same time as me for cuddles and I'd struggle if that was something expected of me.
The birthday, I would find inconsiderate - even a token gift is fine ( box of chocolates or flowers). You say you don't want to have to spend your time repeatedly asking for what you need, how repeatedly are you having these type of conversations? Some people want lots of cuddles and displays of affection, others don't. Is there a compatibility issue with this between the two of you?

You said he’s ’otherwise thoughtful and caring’ He doesn’t sound it at all I’m sorry. Thoughtful and caring partners buy birthday cards and presents. Thoughtful and caring partners recognise anxiety over surgery and try to help. Thoughtful and caring partners don’t fuck off to work when their partners had surgery.