Partner went to work while I had an operation

[birdieblue]

I had surgery today and needed a general anaesthetic. My partner has gone to work. I have recently moved to the area so don’t have a network of friends here yet who could have picked me up I have had to lie to the staff that there is someone home to look after me when I am discharged.

my partner knows I was worried about the surgery but last night chose to stay up late working on a diy project when I asked him if we could perhaps cuddle in bed.

i have also expressed that I would have
liked him to be at home after the surgery basically because it would feel nice to have someone to look after me and make sure I am okay. He usually works from home but has to go into the office today for voluntary training.

Even though he said he would come to bed after I asked he stayed up for hours and it led to a huge row. When I feel hurt and neglected I tend to get angry - and of course me getting angry has the opposite effect of me getting what I need - which is a cuddle and some tlc.

my partner is otherwise a thoughtful, caring type of person. He has a lot of worry about job security and I can understand why he felt he couldn’t take the day off work. He says he need to do the training because he is worried he is failing at work.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to have 1) been at home for me today (he could do the training another day) and 2) have thought about my emotional needs the night before surgery and been a little bit more thoughtful.

i have a history of childhood neglect butI am uber aware and make sure I know when I am acting out because of something that happens to me in the past. I tend not to overact to perceived neglect at least. But it does make me question myself as to what a “normal” reaction would be from someone who has come from a stable background.

the same thing happens for my birthday - no card, nothing other than a Happy Birthday. And I felt alone and neglected.

i appreciate that people have different ideas about what’s “normal”. So I have tried explaining very calmly about what I need and what makes me feel loved and that that might be completely different to what he needs or what his ex girlfriends/wife has needed
But I seem to be talking to thin air.

Am I being unreasonable?

I don’t want to spend the rest of.my relationship having to repeatedly have to ask for what I need when I feel it should be common sense - surely it’s common sense that your partner would want to be home after you’ve had an operation?

we have been together two years and live together.

I think men who can’t be arsed doing so much as a birthday card should only be allowed to date women who can’t stand the idea of anyone celebrating or remembering their birthday or giving them a card. And most normal women should date the men who can act like they care. I’m team this is who he is, you should bin him and promise yourself never to lie to a hospital again.

Exactly what @minipie said.

When I read that I assumed you'd been married for years and were upset that he'd grown neglectful.

But you've only been together two years and he can't be arsed to even get you a birthday card?

More importantly if you are ever ill again.. he's already shown you what his priorities are.

Don't tell me that employers wouldn't let someone leave early if they were collecting their partner from hospital!!! It's not even taking a whole day off.. but an hour or two.

And having said he can't collect.. he also can't give you any affection or reassurance.

What use is he? It's not normal. You mention something about ex es and other girlfriends being used to this... if that's his excuse, consider why they are no longer together because they couldn't take it either.

I hope you feel better soon OP x

You didn’t ’have to lie’ you could have said my partner’s at work and there is no one at home, not everyone has someone at home to look after them.

It doesn't really matter whether you are being unreasonable or not. You are not getting what YOU need from this relationship so you either choose to accept it or you decide that you are worthy of more 🤷‍♀️

'the same thing happens for my birthday - no card, nothing other than a Happy Birthday. And I felt alone and neglected.'

What a selfish b

I would get rid

Whether he’s worried about his job security or not, surely he could still have taken annual leave for a half day or so to be there after your op? And you’re still relatively early on in the relationship and he can’t even be bothered to get a B’day card? He doesn’t sound worthy of you. I know I don’t know you, but you sound lovely! - and deserve someone who cares for you

If you’re unable to find someone else to pick you up from hospital and stay with you then yes he should have done so.

I had surgery last year. I had a friend kindly drop me to hospital while my DH looked after the kids. We then had my mum be with the kids while my DH came to pick me up after surgery.

I also ensured to pick my DH up from an hour away when he had surgery before we were even engaged.

Voluntary training which goes on until 11pm sounds very odd.
He should have been asking about leaving when the training is finished, or about whether he could do it at another time, explaining the situation.
Failing that, if he's been in the area longer, perhaps he has a friend who could have helped out.
Don't lie to the hospital and go home with nobody there, or if you do, at least get yourself on a video call with a friend who can do something if you stop responding.

my partner is otherwise a thoughtful, caring type of person

I'm sorry, op but he's not. He's shown you he's not there for you when you need him. That's not thoughtful or caring.

Ugh, you just made me remember that my ex also did not take any time off work after I had our baby and we had only just moved to the area so I had no one. Funnily enough he wasn't anywhere to be seen when I helped her move to uni several hours away either, so they don't change or treat DC any better - just a warning for anyone hoping having a family will change things.

There's no such training on until 11pm OP..he's a liar.

You really shouldn't be alone after a general, maybe they could keep you in overnight?

This man is showing you that you can't rely on him. You need to have a think about the future. He's neglecting you here and it sounds like you've had enough of that in your life.

My exhusband exhibited all of these behaviours during our ( my?) two very difficult pregnancies. He just didn't care about whether I existed to the point that he couldn't even do a reasonable job of pretending he gave a toss about me. We divorced when the children were 3 and 2 as he was having an affair with a 17 year old from work. I dare say there were others in previous years.

He can't be bothered with you.

This is not about his job. This is a complete and utter lack of care for you. You were having surgery and the medical requirement for you to be discharged home after having general anesthesia is that there be someone there. He refused, putting you at risk. You lied to your medical providers and put yourself at risk.

You may as well leave, you're an appliance to him and he doesn't give a shit if you malfunction or not. You're not going to be getting any emotional support when things are rough. You're not going to get anything you want from this guy. You stay with him, you just show him it's ok to treat you like a stove or fridge, a thing with no feelings.

What is the point of him OP.
You are wasting your one life.

I think you need to look at the overall picture. I am very, very independent, so probably for this reason, dh didn't get that sometimes with medical issues it would've been nice to feel more supported.

You say he's a thoughtful, caring person and then go on to describe someone whose actions suggest he doesn't give a shit about you.

No. Its not normal. There's something wrong with him.

It doesn't really matter whether other people think its unreasonable as it isn't what you want. For me, his actions would be perfect as I hate people 'fussing' and would prefer to be on my own after an operation to recuperate in my own way!

I had my first child at 9.20pm, forceps delivery with post partum haemorrhage and blood transfusion. My husband went home once I had been stitched up and moved to the post natal ward, and he only came back the following evening after spending the day at work. The midwives were speechless and it was a wake up call for me. I was in hospital for 5 nights and he went to work every day.

He wasn't anything important, he had an office job in IT.

I am not married to him any more. You deserve better.

Training until 11pm? What training is this?
Usually he works from home but decided go in til 11pm.
2 hour public transport commute? Does he not drive the roads are not busy at 11pm if traffic is usually a concern.
He has done everything he can to not be there for you

And you too, OP.

A thoughtful and caring partner would pick you from hospital after a general aesthetic and take a few days leave from work knowing you don't have a support network, without having to lie to hospital staff.

You don't have a "partner". You have a man living with you doing what's important for him....and it's not you.

Struggling to think what kind of job would require working to 11pm (bouncer? factory worker? fast food place?) but that also requires you to do presentations/things you work on at home (doctor? manager?) but that don't pay enough for you to be able to afford either your own transport or live nearer work (low-grade office worker in a multinational company?) that also requires training, but the training is voluntary and has to be done on-site.