Partner went to work while I had an operation

[birdieblue]

I had surgery today and needed a general anaesthetic. My partner has gone to work. I have recently moved to the area so don’t have a network of friends here yet who could have picked me up I have had to lie to the staff that there is someone home to look after me when I am discharged.

my partner knows I was worried about the surgery but last night chose to stay up late working on a diy project when I asked him if we could perhaps cuddle in bed.

i have also expressed that I would have
liked him to be at home after the surgery basically because it would feel nice to have someone to look after me and make sure I am okay. He usually works from home but has to go into the office today for voluntary training.

Even though he said he would come to bed after I asked he stayed up for hours and it led to a huge row. When I feel hurt and neglected I tend to get angry - and of course me getting angry has the opposite effect of me getting what I need - which is a cuddle and some tlc.

my partner is otherwise a thoughtful, caring type of person. He has a lot of worry about job security and I can understand why he felt he couldn’t take the day off work. He says he need to do the training because he is worried he is failing at work.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to have 1) been at home for me today (he could do the training another day) and 2) have thought about my emotional needs the night before surgery and been a little bit more thoughtful.

i have a history of childhood neglect butI am uber aware and make sure I know when I am acting out because of something that happens to me in the past. I tend not to overact to perceived neglect at least. But it does make me question myself as to what a “normal” reaction would be from someone who has come from a stable background.

the same thing happens for my birthday - no card, nothing other than a Happy Birthday. And I felt alone and neglected.

i appreciate that people have different ideas about what’s “normal”. So I have tried explaining very calmly about what I need and what makes me feel loved and that that might be completely different to what he needs or what his ex girlfriends/wife has needed
But I seem to be talking to thin air.

Am I being unreasonable?

I don’t want to spend the rest of.my relationship having to repeatedly have to ask for what I need when I feel it should be common sense - surely it’s common sense that your partner would want to be home after you’ve had an operation?

we have been together two years and live together.

After a general you should have someone with you for 24 hours I believe. To expect you to go home alone is shocking IMO. It's what couples do surely? I'm sure he'd expect the same from you if the roles were reversed. Wishing you a swift recovery.

First of all op, I hope that the op went ok and you make a great recovery.

You say “my partner is otherwise a thoughtful, caring type of person.”. He doesn’t sound it tbh.

Time to end this and look for someone who actually seems to care for you. Sorry he’s a selfish prick OP.

Yeah I can’t see any evidence of caring either.

No cuddles, no birthday treats, no attempt to care after your surgery - the bar for this guy is so low, Satan is limboing under it.

You deserve more and better OP.

My ex had an operation and even though we're divorced i took the day off work to drop them and pick them up from the hospital and stayed the night in the spare room.

It's just what someone who cares about you would do. This guy is doing absolutely nothing for you and not meeting your needs.

Going to work while you have the operation is understandable as he can't be there anyway. Mine did the same, then planned to leave work early to collect me (didn't actually have to in the end as my op got pushed later due to an emergency then they wouldn't let me leave until I'd eaten some of the awful hospital food). You do absolutely need someone with you though. I thought I was fine, even walked home against medical advice (I lived really really close to the hospital, and DH was with me), then felt woozy later and would've fallen down the stairs if he hadn't insisted on helping me up them.

If he's worried about his job security, then I'm not surprised he went to work. I would have gone to work too if my income (and my mortgage) depended on it. You didn't need to tell the hospital there was someone waiting at home for you. You should have told them the truth and they would probably delay your discharge until your partner left work and could collect you.

Or you could have arranged for an old friend or relative to come with you. You would have had enough notice.

On the 'coming to bed' thing, it depends. If I'd just mixed a batch of plaster and needed to use it before it set, I'd have stayed up to finish it as well. Some DIY things, you can't just drop everything and leave

You say he is normally thoughtful and caring.. Is it just that you are feeling particularly vulnerable today?

My DH would have dropped me off and depending on the length of the surgery gone off to do some work and he would be there was I was ready to be discharged to give me a lift home. He wouldn’t have hung around the hospital waiting, but again it would depend on how long the surgery was and possibly whether it was something routine. If it was something life threatening I’m sure he would hang around in case there was news from the doctors and to see me in the recovery ward.

He would never forget my birthday.

I’ve had to have minor surgery twice and my DH always took the day off to take me there and collect me. He went back to work the day after though. I’m surprised the staff at the hospital let you leave without seeing him. They insisted on my DH coming in to collect me before I could leave.

I'm sorry OP but he doesn't give a shit about you. Throw this one back. He is showing you who he is, and that is someone who won't step up when you are in need or in a crisis. This is not someone you want for a long term DP or DH, and certainly not someone you want to have kids with.

Every time I read one of these threads I'm so thankful for my DH who goes above and beyond to look after me when I'm ill/needing surgery etc without even being asked. He has a stressful job too. He is a director/partner of an architecture firm yet he always manages to look after me on top of all of that work pressure.

This Thread really hits home for me. Married 20 years. There has always been something more important than me. He frequently forgets to get me anything for birthdays or Christmas. Won’t ever celebrate MY special occasions etc.

Last year I needed an exploratory procedure under general anesthesia. He couldn’t commit and said he wasn’t sure etc. Luckily my sister was able to help out. I was so embarrassed but the embarrassment should have belonged to him. I didn’t have the cancer they were looking for but it was a big wake up call that he wouldn’t be there if I did.

Six months later he needed his wisdom teeth removed and I took the day off and I was waiting at the hospital and I had this sudden shocking realization that I would never ever not be there for him but he didn’t care at all.

we have now been separated for six weeks and I keep thinking of all the times I felt neglected and I just tried to make myself smaller. Asked for easy gifts or assumed that it was about not having the money. But I just think that he doesn’t like me that much.

I think that it comes from my childhood. I came from a home where I was bullied by older siblings and ignored by my parents. I wonder if I was happy to be neglected by my DH at the start because being invisible meant that I wasn’t going to be the recipient of some kind of nasty behavior. Or perhaps I am crazy in some other way.

It is still fairly early days in your relationship of just two years. It won’t get better. You deserve more.

What kind of voluntary training takes place until 11pm?

Was just about to say this. If he doesn't care about you after having a general and doesn't make any effort for your birthday, he doesn't sound thoughtful at all. Is it possible that you have really low expectations due to previous relationships or childhood and so him saying/doing anything at all seems thoughtful and caring? Unless there is a dripfeed coming like you recently cheated on him or something, he sounds like dickhead and I think you should break up with him and make some local friends

He doesn't sound like he's much to come home to.

Get well soon. Then get rid of him and move on. I don't mean get rid as in under the patio, just dump him.

Without anyone at home for 24 hrs you won’t meet hospital discharge criteria. Best to let them know asap if you haven’t already.

Same. Didn't leave work when I got knocked off my bike by a van and had to go to hospital, didn't take any time off work after I had our baby and nearly died so I had to look after a baby on my own within a couple of days of coming out of HDU, didn't pick me up after an operation when I'd had a GA and I had to get a mate to do it.

We're separated now. I put up with it a lot longer than I should have done. He just wasn't really that arsed about me.

I don’t think I would stay with someone like this. My ex left me with an 8 month old and went to a party after I’d been under sedation. Believe me coparenting with him has been a nightmare. Fun time dad gone like the wind when there are any issues.

Oh bless you, you're so used to getting the crumbs that a stale crust seems like meal.

FWIW I don't think you're over-reacting.

True, some people just aren't very good at showing they care, but they tend to DO things instead. I always say you can't fake thoughtfulness, but this guy isn't even trying to fake it. He's not giving you anything, he isn't doing anything for you, he appears to have given you the impression that you really do not matter.

You deserve better.

Your definition of thoughtful and caring is different to mine OP. If he’d gone to work whilst you were having the op fine, but not to be at home when you come back is not good. Birthdays also not fine. You’ve only been together for a short time. Hope you’re ok and I’d chuck him back.

When I had an operation, they made it crystal clear to me that I had to have someone collect me, and have someone in the house for 24 hours after the anaesthesia. My DH collected me and WFH the next day.

You’re still in the honeymoon stage at 2 years—fending for yourself after surgery and ignored birthdays are him on his best behaviour. LTB

He's not thoughtful, or caring. Thoughtful and caring might look like picking up dinner the night before, and watching a film together/going for a walk and taking the day off work to pick you up after the GA, take you home and keep an eye on you, and make sure you're ok. Hospitals ask for you to not be home alone, because that's not a good idea.

The training was voluntary, the DIY project late into the night, also voluntary. I think that you're within your rights to want a partner who is able and willing to support you, AND knows how to write a birthday card.

My DH has been to work whilst I have been having an operation (I have had a few), after having dropped me off, but crucially was then available to visit or collect me when needed and to stay with me for the required length of time. Plus, I have local family and friends.
Except one time when I opted to have a planned surgery when he was on a pre-arranged work trip, but that was my choice, and my sister was happy to step up as my nominated person/taxi, and my late teen DD was at home to look after me.

I think it is time to consider a new partner.

In what other ways is he a 'thoughtful and caring person' because he sounds thoroughly selfish to be honest?

Yes, this.

i appreciate that people have different ideas about what’s “normal”. So I have tried explaining very calmly about what I need and what makes me feel loved and that that might be completely different to what he needs or what his ex girlfriends/wife has needed

But I seem to be talking to thin air.

You can explain what you want/need to feel loved, and it sounds like he is not in that space, The only bit YOU CONTROL is whether you accept who he is and how he acts towards you. YABU to expect him to change how he operates because you want him too.

If he doesn't act how you want him too, then the only choice you have is to accept or move on. You cant be telling him how to be, how to act, how to love, how to respond. He isnt you.

You say he is otherwise loving and caring, i'd disagree as highlighted by @titchy