Totally fed up with my husband!

[Sam9769]

I am totally fed up with my husband!
We have been married for 34 years and in all that time if there is work to be done in the house, he has to be hounded to do anything.
We recently moved house but before we moved, we needed to do work on our old house to get it ready for sale. He would wait to be told what to do by me even though it was patently obvious what had to be done. If materials were required for the work, it would be left up to me to sit him down and ask him what was required and I would order them. When I would ask him why he didn't order them, the response was "I don't know!".

Fast forward, we are now in our new house which is a 1950s house and nothing has been done in it since the 1990's. Husband who is 65 and in good health is retired. I am 61 and partially retired working two days per week.
Lots of work to be done in the house and here we are again in the same situation. We hire tradespeople for the work we can't do and you've guessed it, I have to google them and find them, phone and arrange for them to come to the house. For work that we can do, he will not initiate ANYTHING!. He has to be pushed to get on with jobs in the house.
At the weekend I realised that the downstairs toilet wasn't working. It transpired that he knew about it but hadn't done anything about it.
Today, I was out of the house for 9 hours at work and doing the grocery shopping after work. Before I left I asked him to mind the two dogs and clean and tidy the kitchen.
When I got home, he was sitting on his computer with a half arsed clean of the kitchen done. He hadn't looked at the toilet and when I went out to take one of the dogs for a walk, I noticed that the outside light wasn't working. He knew about it but had done nothing. It transpires that he spent at least 7 hours today sitting on his backside on his laptop on Utube and the like.
I ended up shouting at him and he clears off upstairs, won't accept responsibility. His response today was that he was minding the dogs even though he had told me that one was outside lying in the sunshine and the other was in the hall sunning himself in a shaft of light so no real minding to do there.
I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done.
We can't afford to have all the jobs done by the trades and even if we could it would be a free pass for him to do sweet FA.
He knows what to do and is capable of doing it but just doesn't do it!

AIBU to have had it with him?

I think word has got out to the male population that being a lazy arsed fucker has now been medicalised as ADHD and now their long suffering wives not only have to put up, shut up and do everything but now also have to provide tea and sympathy with their struggles and don’t complain either, they can’t help it! what a result for the male population, I can’t cut the grass, I have ADHD 🙄 yeah sure you have.

As infuriating as it is OP, I think that you need to accept that he isn't going to change.
Your requests and expectations are draining you and you need to consider letting it go.
Matters have obviously escalated due to house move which is stressful at best of times.
I suggest you need to wait before making any big decisions re future

👏👏👏

But we DON'T have to put up with it. Get out of the relationship by hook or by crook if you're in one like this.

If you've just started a relationship make sure he pulls his weight from the start - or walk away.
Make sure you are always financially secure so if he starts with the Useless Arse shit you can walk away.

We just need to think ahead and prepare to deal with the possible future Fuckwittage. Cover your own back as it were.

What do you think?
Their sympathy extends to a very very rare pop in to visit.
All too busy with their golf.
But it has given them pause.
They ALL asked their wives privately for confirmation that they would NEVER do what Hillary has done, to very muted responses and their wives repeating that Hillary clearly had enough.

Several of them have mentioned that they got a lot more care during subsequent illnesses which means it has landed with them.
Though in fairness, none were at the lazy selfishness level of him. He was always out doing something if it wasn't work it was golf or a match.
Just another selfish man.
A dear friend of mine is coming into a very substantial inheritance from her dying father and has recently told her lazy selfish husband it's over.
Her husband has been happily working away a couple of days a week.
She is not sharing her inheritance with him.
She works full time and he is another rugby/golf fxxker and she is only mid 50's.

He is devastated and desperate to fix things but she has just told her two teens, whom have taken it well.
She has an excellent solicitor and she has pushed forward with the paperwork.
She is happy with a 50/50 split of savings and selling the house.
She just wants him gone.
His daughters don't think much of him which I think has spurred her on.
They see how selfish and lazy he is.

Exactly

I agree no one has to put up with it, the reason I posted what I did is to make the women on here who are clearly putting up with it or excusing their husband’s behaviour for a fake medical condition when in fact they are being taken for absolute fools by their user husbands.

You had 34 years of marriage. Is this new behaviour or has it always been the case? If he is not sick, maybe he is worried about death, depressed or just fed up with the drudgery of life. Maybe talk and plan some more fun things. Give him something to look forward to after the work is done. What do you both enjoy doing?

He’s a lazy arse who doesn’t care about his wife.

Even if he has ADHD, he’s sitting at home for hours on the computer despite knowing this will upset his wife.

@Sam9769 Tell him you’re thinking of leaving him because you can’t live like this for the rest of your life. I’d then leave a note, pinned to the fridge with one thing he MUST do that day. So day one would be -

PHONE THE FUCKING PLUMBER

He will then have zero excuses.

The social care system had better brace itself for the influx of ADHD men who need carers when their wives leave them or die as it appears once they have this diagnosis they are completely absolved of doing anything remotely domestic apart from using the remote control, it’s a national crisis in waiting I tell you.

But it wasn’t though… it was outside your budget because you can’t afford to have the work done.

Your husband doesn’t like DIY and never has. You should have factored work into the house budget.

I am not too sure if this is ADHD (I am ADHD)

If he really wanted this house and was excited to buy it you would see the dopamine rush of ripping things out, going to the tip and getting on with making the house a home.

For one last test to tell. Ask him if he can see in his minds eye what rooms will look like when they are finished

Not too sure if it is an ADHD thing but I have to have a picture in my mind of what something will look like before I start.
I can view some places and see that if a wall was taken out and the staircase moved and a window added the place would look so much better. I see everything from the colour of the kitchen cabinets to the tiles on the floor. etc As soon as I see the picture I make a list, buy what I need and crack on.
Can you go through the house and get a physical picture and a mood board maybe use an AI interior design app to print off the pictures and stick to a wall and have the mood board in each room then let him loose on FBMP EBay etc to get different things that you need for each room. If he is sat on the computer anyway then he can use his time to save money.
I have just got the last of my flooring and probably saved around £1500-£2000 overall.

I would sometimes pick up just a single box + a few spare planks
if it is a specific make and colour then there is very little room for error

He has 7 all he has to do is arrange it pay for it and OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR

Very good!

.

Reading these comments blaming OP for buying a fixer-upper, saying he's too old to change and scolding her for being annoyed and exhausting and frustrating to read. I can only imagine that some of you are petty shitty friends if this is how you give advice to people in your lives.

He's actually not too old to change. This line is pushed because most people don't bother to confront older people (whether as their peers or as their elders) and it's often taboo to dare correct someone in the sixties or above because the general sentiment is that the have paid their dues so don't have to worry about accountability in later life.

Having said that, you cannot force him to change directly, but you can set up boundaries. Let him know what you will do and won't do and stick to it. He's used to you coming in to rescue him so when he sees that won't happen anymore then he will see the need to change. You could also suggest to him that he may have ADHD and that he needs to speak to a doctor about it. You sound like you are done at this point so may as well let him know that unless he tries better, and seeks the help he may need, then you will not be able to continue staying married to him.

So more 'wife-work' for OP then.

Haha nice plan 🤣

I will do this!
"Phone the fucking plumber NOW!"

He needs to fix the handle before he opens the fucking door!

Plenty of people your age divorce after seeing what's ahead of them in what's meant to be blissful peace of retirement.

Some pointless bloke slobbing around staring at YouTube, slack jawed, exploiting you for labour, getting worse and worse each year?
You can start the divorce online, see a solicitor so you can start planning where you'll live and joy of life without this man.
It doesn't matter if he's too lazy to fill in the online forms, no one can force someone to stay married to them.

I suppose if having fun is seen as work - lol

Why should it fall to her to have to organise the fun?
I pity wife64.

ok, whatever, I am sure you are right.