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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Totally fed up with my husband!

403 replies

Sam9769 · 22/09/2025 23:41

I am totally fed up with my husband!
We have been married for 34 years and in all that time if there is work to be done in the house, he has to be hounded to do anything.
We recently moved house but before we moved, we needed to do work on our old house to get it ready for sale. He would wait to be told what to do by me even though it was patently obvious what had to be done. If materials were required for the work, it would be left up to me to sit him down and ask him what was required and I would order them. When I would ask him why he didn't order them, the response was "I don't know!".

Fast forward, we are now in our new house which is a 1950s house and nothing has been done in it since the 1990's. Husband who is 65 and in good health is retired. I am 61 and partially retired working two days per week.
Lots of work to be done in the house and here we are again in the same situation. We hire tradespeople for the work we can't do and you've guessed it, I have to google them and find them, phone and arrange for them to come to the house. For work that we can do, he will not initiate ANYTHING!. He has to be pushed to get on with jobs in the house.
At the weekend I realised that the downstairs toilet wasn't working. It transpired that he knew about it but hadn't done anything about it.
Today, I was out of the house for 9 hours at work and doing the grocery shopping after work. Before I left I asked him to mind the two dogs and clean and tidy the kitchen.
When I got home, he was sitting on his computer with a half arsed clean of the kitchen done. He hadn't looked at the toilet and when I went out to take one of the dogs for a walk, I noticed that the outside light wasn't working. He knew about it but had done nothing. It transpires that he spent at least 7 hours today sitting on his backside on his laptop on Utube and the like.
I ended up shouting at him and he clears off upstairs, won't accept responsibility. His response today was that he was minding the dogs even though he had told me that one was outside lying in the sunshine and the other was in the hall sunning himself in a shaft of light so no real minding to do there.
I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done.
We can't afford to have all the jobs done by the trades and even if we could it would be a free pass for him to do sweet FA.
He knows what to do and is capable of doing it but just doesn't do it!

AIBU to have had it with him?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 23/09/2025 10:34

I am married to his twin brother. Coincidentally a. Retired engineer with ADHD. There is no solution.

SybTheGeek · 23/09/2025 10:41

Silvertulips · 22/09/2025 23:45

DH isn’t he best at DIY which is why we didn’t buy a house that needed a lot of work..

I don’t know why you decided to do this.

After 34 years he isn’t going to change.

And, why can’t you fix things? You have 5 free days.

And he has 7 free days!

N0Tfunny · 23/09/2025 10:45

justasking111 · 23/09/2025 10:27

I thought that. Our retirement home the previous owner did up. Bliss

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter if they sell up and buy a brand new place which needs no DIY.

It will still need cleaned, the bills paid, the dogs walked, the laundry done. The Op will still need to buy food, cook it and clean up.

The only way to avoid all this tedious work is to be rich enough to have paid staff. Or be a bone idle married man.

The Ops husband isn’t going to change, as so many posters have pointed out. It doesn't sounds like they are rich enough to pay for contractors to renovate their home and for a full time housekeeper.

So her options are either divorce him and half the work and the stress and double her free time . Or stay and watch it get worse, especially if he needs a carer.

NetZeroZealot · 23/09/2025 10:49

Similar situation here. DH has retired but is bone idle. Has to be asked to do something 20 times, spends most of his time looking at puppies on YouTube. Gives me major ick.

TottenhamCake · 23/09/2025 10:51

Tell him you want to move to a new property that doesn't need any work.

neveradmit17 · 23/09/2025 10:51

Stop banging your head against a brick wall, OP, and divorce him as he's obviously making you intensely unhappy.

N0Tfunny · 23/09/2025 10:52

Baggyit · 23/09/2025 10:30

One additional point regarding my friend's sister's case, is that ALL of her friends and their husbands ended up discussing it, at length.

The men felt very sad for Richard who was such a nice fellow and such a good sport over the years.
The women were very, very pointed in saying while it must be hard on Richard, lovely Hillary clearly fell out of love with him a long time ago. Caring for someone you no longer loved would be too much.

His selfishness over the years is what brought him to this place, and until you find yourself in that situation, looking at possibly years of caring ahead of you, you cannot judge how you will react.

The men were most surprised how united the women are in their views, even now, several years later.
They all still see Hillary and continue to have little breaks away with her.
Their loyalty to her is VERY clear.

@Baggyit - I’m just wondering - all these blokes who feel so very sorry for Richard in his care facility - I assume they have a rota where they all visit him at least weekly and take him out for the day? Since he is their dear friend and such a good sport .

Or do they abandon him and sit around bemoaning the fact that some women should be doing something and you just can’t get the staff these days ? .

NotABiscuitInSight · 23/09/2025 10:58

I bet this isnt the real issue.

The real issue is that you've spent your life with a stable but boring bloke who, in your twilight years, you were hoping would have developed some get up and go and would be a teammate, someone to work with and go on adventures with, and instead he just wants to sit at home on his boring arse all day and now you're realising this is forever for you.

I empathise, but believe someone when they show you who they are.

He is a sofa and you want a car (excuse the shit metaphor!)

Jeschara · 23/09/2025 10:59

Was your previous home done to a decent standard, if so why move? You know whst your husband is like, also did he move because you wanted too.
If I had the money I would get someone in, or save until I had.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 23/09/2025 11:02

HannahSqan · 23/09/2025 09:42

Its ADHD
he was a mechanical engineer! Its so obvious. I have severe adhd. I keep a professional job as its my “special interest”. Mechanical engineering was his special interest. He would have done well with the rules, routine and regularity of it. Being retired or on holidays is tricky as all the structure and routine that supports us at work is gone.
he is not going to do the tasks unless they are his special interest, he has a deadline or someone body doubles with him. You need to both have diy days together
he is not going to change at 65, he wont pay bills and you will be forever frustrated. You need to either accept him or leave

Very valid point

Mitochondriapowerhouse · 23/09/2025 11:05

My ex DH is like this and I’m pretty sure he’s not neurodivergent. I had to persuade/cajole him to get anything done in the house. It was extremely frustrating. In the end we split due to his cheating with several others. I left the family home as I didn’t want to stay there and it suited me to move somewhere smaller and near family.
Over the last ten years, since I left our lovely, well maintained family house he has done nothing. Only one toilet out of 3 works and only one sink is functional. The carpets are thick with dog hair and the bathroom and kitchen are disgusting. I’ve asked him why he’s let things get so neglected and in his words he said “I suppose I’m too lazy”. I knew he wasn’t house proud but I’m pretty shocked how he’s let things slide. It really doesn’t bother him. He enjoys his life and seems quite happy. He even suggested I could come over and clean for him! Er no thanks.

Periperi2025 · 23/09/2025 11:12

OP thank you for your post, I am currently getting divorced, and you have described my 'sliding door' alternative future if I hadn't made the decision to go through with it.

I think you need to live your own life, whether that is with you DH, sat on youtube in the corner, or divorced, but currently you are just exhausting yourself trying to project manage your DH life with no hope of change.

Yomnitty · 23/09/2025 11:16

Sam9769 · 23/09/2025 08:26

The problem with the ADHD theory is that he held down a job in mechanical engineering for over 34 years. He was able to get up at 7am in the morning and go to work. Admittedly when he came home that was it. Nothing would get done in the house. When we moved to the house we have just sold I told him that I was not prepared to move into a house that needed work. That was fine for a number of years until things needed to be done or fixed in the house.
Anyway as people have said, it wasn't a huge deal because we were both busy working full time and the house was generally okay.

The difference now is that he is retired. He is under no pressure or stress. He has plenty of time at his disposal. He wanted this house just as much as I did.
It seems to me as if he won't do anything unless he is pressurised into doing it. When he was working, he had to go to work. He couldn't just not turn up. There were pressures on him to attend. Now, as one poster rightly says, he waits to be harangued before he will do anything. There was stuff in the car port that needed to go to the dump which he said he would do, yet he walked by it day after day , week after week as it kept piling up until I blew up at him.
He said he would spray the weeds in the garden. Weeks went by with me repeatedly asking him to spray them until he eventually did it as I was getting really annoyed with him. I don't want to have to chase him around the place to do things. Even if we were to divorce, I would have to contact the solicitors and fill all the paperwork in for him. He would do nothing to initiate or progress the process. I see husbands in the neighbourhood out doing work on their houses and in their gardens, taking pride in their houses and wonder why he doesn't give a shit!

he won't do anything unless he is pressurised into doing it

That's a huge part of my ADHD experience in a nutshell. Far from being a problem with the ADHD theory, for me it's almost a perfect way to confirm it.

I have a pretty high pressure job, and I can pull it out of the bag for that because I have to. But at home, when the pressure is 'off' I can get almost nothing done unless there's a huge incentive - usually fear.

3luckystars · 23/09/2025 11:22

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/09/2025 09:32

Also don't listen to the people saying it's OK if he doesn't like DIY. It's not OK to live with someone else and refuse to do any DIY, any basic house maintenance, any mental load or organisation, any housework or chores or shopping or bill paying or anything at all.

Yes it is!! Some people are just not cut out for it and it’s totally ok to pay someone else to do it then.

Its not ok to expect someone just else to do it all though. Either do it, or pay someone else to do your share. That’s what I do.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 23/09/2025 11:29

OP, your opening post could easily say

"i'm totally fed up of these headaches i keep getting after bashing my head against this wall - am i being unreasonable?"

you know what the situation is in reality.
you know what you want the situation to be like.
you know these 2 scenarios are not the same.
you know your DH has no inclination to change how he behaves, or how his behaviour affects you.
you have known this for a sustained period of time - it does not appear to be a recent development.

rather than raging about the fact that reality is different from your wishes, you need to put your energy into establishing if, on balance, your relationship is a net positive for you.

if it is not, you need to decide what you want to do about this.
once you have decided this, you need to present this to your DH.

then he will be able to decide for himself how he feels about this.

hilos · 23/09/2025 11:33

He sounds exactly like my other half who is very passive and on the autistic spectrum! Maybe worth consideration as to why your husband is like he is.

Periperi2025 · 23/09/2025 11:34

3luckystars · 23/09/2025 11:22

Yes it is!! Some people are just not cut out for it and it’s totally ok to pay someone else to do it then.

Its not ok to expect someone just else to do it all though. Either do it, or pay someone else to do your share. That’s what I do.

Show quote history

But it is OP who is arranging the tradespeople and doing all associated admin. These people don't just arrive on the doorstep by magic. So currently whatever work is happening on the house is being acheived by OP in some way. That is NOT fair. Her DH is not even communicating what problems there are that need tradespeople to fix them, this behaviour is utterly exhausting to live with.

ShiftingSand · 23/09/2025 11:44

Sam9769 · 23/09/2025 00:02

That is true. I just can't understand why he has no motivation to just work with me to get the jobs done! If he was incapable of doing it I could understand.

Show quote history

After 30 years together there’s no point trying to analyse him. He doesn’t get on with things and that’s the way he is. He also knows that you will do the work if he doesn’t. The first day of moving house I fixed the toilet after consulting YouTube. My ex H was similar and didn’t change after 25 years so I chose to go it alone. At least if something doesn’t get done I don’t have anyone to get annoyed with except myself.

limetrees32 · 23/09/2025 11:48

@Sam9769 your AIBU was AIBU to have had it with him?
I read that as you wondering if you should give up on him and end the relationship .
You clearly have huge resentment towards him .
You need to decide whether you can live with that resentment maybe mitigated by you both doing your own thing ,familiarity ,pleasant life style ,possibly some good points about him that balance the situation .
If you can ,fine carry on .Nothing in life is perfect .Maybe you have to compromise more than you'd like but overall the pros outweigh the cons .
Or you have to split up .
Personally I don't think there's any mileage in trying to understand why he's like this .

PhilMitchellsleatherbomber · 23/09/2025 11:50

So according to this thread “That’s just the way he is” should apply to every lazy arsed fucker, won’t help with the housework?, that’s just the way he is!, won’t put a wash on? that’s just the way he is! Won’t do the dishes? that’s just the way he is! Won’t do the school run? that’s just the way he is! and if all else fails he’s got ADHD when in fact he is just a selfish, lazy entitled user.

Periperi2025 · 23/09/2025 11:57

PhilMitchellsleatherbomber · 23/09/2025 11:50

So according to this thread “That’s just the way he is” should apply to every lazy arsed fucker, won’t help with the housework?, that’s just the way he is!, won’t put a wash on? that’s just the way he is! Won’t do the dishes? that’s just the way he is! Won’t do the school run? that’s just the way he is! and if all else fails he’s got ADHD when in fact he is just a selfish, lazy entitled user.

Yep, I'm amazed by the way this thread has gone too. At what age does someone transition from 'cocklodger' to 'pitiful old man'?

FairKoala · 23/09/2025 11:58

Have you suggested he comes out of retirement and gets any job he can get to pay for people to come in and do the work he should be doing

BMW6 · 23/09/2025 12:04

Periperi2025 · 23/09/2025 11:57

Yep, I'm amazed by the way this thread has gone too. At what age does someone transition from 'cocklodger' to 'pitiful old man'?

Show quote history

Of course they can be called Cocklodger, Pitiful Old Men, Waste of Space, Useless Wanker etc etc etc

The thing is YOU CANT MAKE THEM CHANGE BY JUST COMPLAINING

We have to make a choice - stay with the useless articles or get rid of them.

Can't you see that? 34 years of banging her head against a brick wall and STILL expecting/hoping he'll change!

He won't. She can.

BufferingAgain · 23/09/2025 12:10

Lots of people with ADHD are highly competent and hold down great jobs, especially if deadlines spur them into action and it’s to do with a special interest. Now there’s no deadline and no consequences for not doing anything (except you leaving maybe!)

That’s not to say you have to live with it but I have a feeling not much is going to change. Is money an issue … can you just pay people to do everything?

Murphy05 · 23/09/2025 12:12

A lot of these comments on your post are why it is assumed that the lady of the house should, work, look after the house, the children etc etc when the guy does little to help regardless of whether he is working or not. Too many people have adopted this idea. I completely understand why you are frustrated and YES he is NOT pulling his weight so you have every right to be annoyed with him.