Totally fed up with my husband!

[Sam9769]

I am totally fed up with my husband!
We have been married for 34 years and in all that time if there is work to be done in the house, he has to be hounded to do anything.
We recently moved house but before we moved, we needed to do work on our old house to get it ready for sale. He would wait to be told what to do by me even though it was patently obvious what had to be done. If materials were required for the work, it would be left up to me to sit him down and ask him what was required and I would order them. When I would ask him why he didn't order them, the response was "I don't know!".

Fast forward, we are now in our new house which is a 1950s house and nothing has been done in it since the 1990's. Husband who is 65 and in good health is retired. I am 61 and partially retired working two days per week.
Lots of work to be done in the house and here we are again in the same situation. We hire tradespeople for the work we can't do and you've guessed it, I have to google them and find them, phone and arrange for them to come to the house. For work that we can do, he will not initiate ANYTHING!. He has to be pushed to get on with jobs in the house.
At the weekend I realised that the downstairs toilet wasn't working. It transpired that he knew about it but hadn't done anything about it.
Today, I was out of the house for 9 hours at work and doing the grocery shopping after work. Before I left I asked him to mind the two dogs and clean and tidy the kitchen.
When I got home, he was sitting on his computer with a half arsed clean of the kitchen done. He hadn't looked at the toilet and when I went out to take one of the dogs for a walk, I noticed that the outside light wasn't working. He knew about it but had done nothing. It transpires that he spent at least 7 hours today sitting on his backside on his laptop on Utube and the like.
I ended up shouting at him and he clears off upstairs, won't accept responsibility. His response today was that he was minding the dogs even though he had told me that one was outside lying in the sunshine and the other was in the hall sunning himself in a shaft of light so no real minding to do there.
I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done.
We can't afford to have all the jobs done by the trades and even if we could it would be a free pass for him to do sweet FA.
He knows what to do and is capable of doing it but just doesn't do it!

AIBU to have had it with him?

Unless you have a plumber and have his number to give to dh if he hasn’t got it

But if you don’t have a plumber then

"Phone the fucking plumber NOW!"

Is only going to end with a mental shut down if your dh does have adhd.

My thought process would be that the Now would be indicating I am supposed to know who to call and if I didn’t the fact that there is swearing and the word now I would just shut down

I have given instructions on getting a plumber before to ADHD dd

Go to a particular website. Type in plumber and the area and then when you get the list of plumbers, discount those that say the word emergency in their blurb as they are likely to charge a lot
Look at the reviews not just about workmanship etc but look for those reviews that indicate a lowish price and look popular

It might sound like it’s easier to do it yourself but without learning how to do these things you just end up doing it all yourself.

Congratulations on embracing this learning opportunity.

How is "do your job or face the consequences" any different from the career he was clearly able to hold down for many years?

The thing is, some people are treating the husband's behaviour as if it were comical, or just a bit tiresome. Whether he can help it or not, he does fuck all around the home and always has. I suggest in these cases, one either puts up with it or takes some action (ie, divorce). Just having a moan about it doesn't really get one anywhere, and reminds me of women of my mother's generation who felt trapped by social pressures and lack of funds, so had to stay with useless men. What exactly is keeping you with him, OP?

Are you OP's husband?

Please don’t step up and sort that sort of things out for him.
He goes on about sailing? Just say ‘yes dear’ and then ignore. Or maybe after a while ‘well you’ll have to contact them then’. Or even better ‘I am not going to sort it out for you. If you want to go sailing, you’ll have to contact them’.
Then do not engage on the subject again.

He has trained to do it all and is now expecting you to do it all unless you explode.
I suspect that if you were telling him that you had enough of him not doing anything and you’re considering divorce, he’d step up. At least a bit. But he won’t unless the alternative (you getting angry, bagging, pressuring) isn’t uncomfortable enough for him to do so.

Then ofc you have to consider whether you actually want to live
like this.

EDIT
Deleted this post as it posted twice

But that isn't true. The OP has said herself that she's wondered before if he might have ADHD and listed further symptoms that are consistent with ADHD.

Because he doesn't care about it as much as you do. That's why it's a struggle and why it always will be. You're going to be doing this renovation alone I'm afraid. Sorry OP ❤

This.

I have ADHD as do many of my friends, it has never stopped us raising lots of children, having professional roles and running multiple house! It does not incapacitate people! We don’t lose the use of our legs or arms. Your posts are offensive.

I sincerely hope not!

It can't be the OPs husband. He'd be too lazy to post on here.

😂😂😂 true

Why should she when this lazy lump is whiling away the days? He’s not emasculated. He could always say ‘i’m retired, I’ll do the bills’. It would drive me mad.
i wonder what he does care about?

I left my DH after 28 years. I couldn’t fault him in respect of what he did around the house, quite the opposite of yours in fact. I’ve been in my own place now for nearly 2 weeks. I could not advocate highly enough for going your separate ways. I am loving it, my own space, liberty, independence and freedom!!!

I think every relationship runs its course eventually, some longer than others. I still love DH very much, but I love my independence more.

Spare me the ableism and ignorance. My ADHD is severe and does incapacitate me as it does many others with similarly severe symptoms. Many of us could not hope to bring up children or run a house. It sounds like you and your friends are mildly affected in that it's a condition for you rather than a disability. For some it is genuinely a disability (and by definition a disability is something that incapacitates people).

This is the problem with ADHD now being diagnosed for people who are minimally affected by it. If a diagnosis helps people with mild symptoms I would generally support that but when these people then turn around and imply that people with severe symptoms are just lazy and must just be making up our degree of impairment then that's ableism and ignorance to a degree that no disabled person should ever have to tolerate. I certainly wouldn't tolerate this attitude from a partner and am lucky to have someone who has read the science, understands it and doesn't berate me for not being able to function at the level that he does. He knows it's neither a choice nor a personal failing.

Big fool mug you. You did it for 34 years, so it’s mind boggling why you expected anything different. All your fault, you knew exactly what you were walking into

My DH is mildly affected. He's not lazy, quite the opposite which can be exhausting. Always on the move He cannot bear to be a minute late when visiting friends will sit in the car agitating if I'm not ready. He gets into a state sometimes, frustration. Yet as an engineer is gifted intuitively.

He's either rushing around or asleep with exhaustion. It took me years to anticipate his irrational behaviour, spot the warning signs and learn how to handle him. We didn't have knowledge drawn from books or the internet.

We have a grandson like this he adores because he too has ADHD, struggles with formal education, very bright but easily bored, frustrated. Luckily his parents and us have the knowledge to aid him. Which DH never had as a child.

It also doesn't affect your capacity to understand that it affects people differently. You are not the gold standard.

It's like he's totally disinterested and just wants me to deal with the issue and not bother him with it.

@Sam9769 I think you have answered your own question. Must be lovely being able to dip out of life admin, I would love someone else to do all mine! Only you know if this is reflective of an underlying lack of care for you, so he isn’t bothered about sharing the load because he is inherently selfish, but it does sound like that from what you have written. I hope you find a solution.

I see what you’re saying but I honestly think it’s pretty harsh too. Things can creep, things you might not even notice in year 1, 2,10, or even more, suddenly do start to become frustrations, then once you’ve noticed you realise. Or, your own ability or wish to tolerate - if you want - reduce. And then you really realise that hindsight is a wonderful thing. Dynamics change and people change over time. I just don’t think it’s fair to say to the OP it’s all her fault.

He obviously has no interest in doing work, or arranging work to be done around the house. You clearly already know this. Why on earth buy a house that needs a load doing to it and then moan that you have to do it 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I read all your posts @Sam9769 and wondered if we’re married to the same man.

We’ve been together 30 years and married for 28. In all that time, if something needs doing in the house I’ve had to either stand over him / nag him to get in an expert (or his dad) or do it myself. He’s perfectly capable but just won’t do anything until last minute. FWIW we are certain that he has what used to be called Aspergers & definitely has ADHD traits.

I exploded at him earlier in the summer & I’ve turned the pantry door into a blackboard that has daily jobs on it - it’s had a bit of success but he’s still easily distracted. But if it’s anything related to his hobby then it’s done 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

As others have said, there’s probably sod all that can be done. And it is exhausting carrying the mental load of not only our own tasks but theirs too. I offload to a friend whose husband is exactly the same - we’ve shared tips and tears over the years.

Good luck - I’m off to try a tip to get an essential job done (turning it into something related to a hobby to see if that works)

Too late to change the mold now! Should have done it 30 years ago at least. Why buy a house though which clearly needs lots and lots of TLC when you know what he's like?