Totally fed up with my husband!

[Sam9769]

I am totally fed up with my husband!
We have been married for 34 years and in all that time if there is work to be done in the house, he has to be hounded to do anything.
We recently moved house but before we moved, we needed to do work on our old house to get it ready for sale. He would wait to be told what to do by me even though it was patently obvious what had to be done. If materials were required for the work, it would be left up to me to sit him down and ask him what was required and I would order them. When I would ask him why he didn't order them, the response was "I don't know!".

Fast forward, we are now in our new house which is a 1950s house and nothing has been done in it since the 1990's. Husband who is 65 and in good health is retired. I am 61 and partially retired working two days per week.
Lots of work to be done in the house and here we are again in the same situation. We hire tradespeople for the work we can't do and you've guessed it, I have to google them and find them, phone and arrange for them to come to the house. For work that we can do, he will not initiate ANYTHING!. He has to be pushed to get on with jobs in the house.
At the weekend I realised that the downstairs toilet wasn't working. It transpired that he knew about it but hadn't done anything about it.
Today, I was out of the house for 9 hours at work and doing the grocery shopping after work. Before I left I asked him to mind the two dogs and clean and tidy the kitchen.
When I got home, he was sitting on his computer with a half arsed clean of the kitchen done. He hadn't looked at the toilet and when I went out to take one of the dogs for a walk, I noticed that the outside light wasn't working. He knew about it but had done nothing. It transpires that he spent at least 7 hours today sitting on his backside on his laptop on Utube and the like.
I ended up shouting at him and he clears off upstairs, won't accept responsibility. His response today was that he was minding the dogs even though he had told me that one was outside lying in the sunshine and the other was in the hall sunning himself in a shaft of light so no real minding to do there.
I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done.
We can't afford to have all the jobs done by the trades and even if we could it would be a free pass for him to do sweet FA.
He knows what to do and is capable of doing it but just doesn't do it!

AIBU to have had it with him?

Your husband is bone idle. He's basically abdicated all responsibility for everything. I wouldn't fancy another couple of decades of that if I were you.

Sounds like it just needs to be framed as "step up or ship out".

"I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done."

I wouldn't want that either. But - have you told him this? Have you made it clear that you do not want to live like that, and that you've decided that you just will not live like that?

Personally, I don't think that after 34 years of you being his secretary / dogsbody / housekeeper / skivvy, he's going to change one bit. So the question is, what are you going to do? Financially, could you split into two households, and he could sit in his increasingly-squalid pad whilst you have a lovingly cared-for home?

Leave a written list of jobs
Change the wifi password before you leave
If you still have a terrestrial tv Ariel disconnect it (it’s usually in your loft)
I’d also make sure you pick a day the fridge etc are pretty low
Then see what excuses he comes up with, at the very least he’ll need to pop to the shops and get into the loft 😂 petty but worth it

Why would you buy a house that requires loads of work? You've been married that longtime, why would you suddenly expect anything different? a leopard doesn't change it's spots.

Be strategic, do the things which (if undone) will affect you directly.
Anything which doesn't affect you, leave it. Dont do any of his stuff at all, ever.

Yes its bloody annoying. Especially if you're living with it. Meds are pretty good apparently though. They enable sufferers to focus. My problem is getting my daughter to frame herself to apply for them after I paid and organised her assessment to get a diagnosis.

Leave him and buy your own little nest. I personally would try to murder him (joke) and I'd be afraid I might succeed.

Go now while you have life left in you. This will not change and will only get worse, and you will get angrier and angrier, while he just sits there playing with his computer or whatever. I'd go mad, but I know you probably hoped things would improve when he retired. Things didn't so you now have a choice. What do you plan to do? Make. A. Plan.

Oh and another thing, what is this about bills not being paid, have you not set up direct debits from your joint account, then forget about them. Maybe it's one off stuff I dunno.

Wishing you well, you deserve some peace, happiness and co operation. You are not getting that, and I doubt you ever will. Make That Plan....

So knowing all this why did you buy a house that needed all that work doing to it? Loads of men are like this

Our close neighbour died two years ago her son inherited the property. He works and lives in London but spend odd weekends and leisure time here. He does cut the grass but doesn't touch anything else. Has not touched the inside of the property. The condolence cards were still up until recently.

He's happy to change nothing.

You have condoned his behaviour for 34 yrs.He isn't going to change now.

If your husband was like this in the past, he will continue to be like this in the present and future! He will never change so I’m not sure why you would expect any different now just because you’ve moved to a new house…

He's a lazy shit and not your project to manage.

Leave him Sam. You only get one crack at life and you must prioritise what you want . ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

Leave him Sam. You only get one crack at life and you must prioritise what you want .

I am also living that life. Before we moved to the US, dh took down some tile and drywall in the loo to "renovate" it. It sat there, undone, with no tile or drywall on one wall for 10 years. We sold the house with it still undone.

When we moved, I promised myself we wouldn't get into that situation again. Now, I ask twice. If he doesn't get to it, I hire a tradesman to do the work. One day he went home for supper and he called me saying "why is there a man here painting our garage?" I told him I had asked him twice and he didn't do it. We went that way for a few years until now I don't even ask him. I figure out what needs to be done and hire someone.

YANBU. People can argue that it wasn't a great idea to get a fixer-upper and not everyone's good at or confident about DIY. But this goes beyond that. Husband is basically acting as if he is a child living in your house being assigned chores that he may or may not bother getting done and you'll chase him down and chivvy him (or do them yourself) if he doesn't. But he's not a child, he's an adult, and it's equally his house. The time for him to say "no way - this house is too much work" was before the two of you bought it. If he wants a manager rather than a partner, he should be paying you.

How frustrating! You want him to have a bit more motivation and pride in your home that he also lives in! Some of the comments on here say you can’t change him, but was he always like this? 20 or 30 years ago, did you have to chase him up as much?
I'm wondering if maybe, now that he’s retired, he needs a kick up the arse reason to be more active.
Maybe a hobby or something productive to fill his time? When he’s up and moving about for that, you might find his mood is better and he’s more willing to help around the house with maintenance.
Failing that, you seem like a strong and independent woman - I’d go to a course to learn how to do it myself. In my area the college run groups specifically for women to learn these types of things. Maybe your local college does too?
It could even give him the kick up the arse push needed to help a bit more. Only you know your husband but these are things I’d try before having it out with him. Even if you nag him to do one thing, he might eventually do it under duress. That’s not helpful for the rest of the things on the list that will also need done. Tackle the underlying cause of WHY he’s not helping.
Please also remember to take time for yourself - if you’re working + doing all the shopping etc + doing the majority of work on the house, you’ll need some R&R time.
Hope you manage to work something out! X

That is kind of balancing the other thread recently here about woman moaning that her mother never knew how to do anything in a house, nor paying bills, nor even knowing how to put the telly on. Some people have stories to tell

My husband has a list in the kitchen , only because he forgets.
He is happy to do DIY he enjoys it but can never remember.
I write them in priority order.
The only way to get things done .He should be sent to the shop with a list too or online shop and he put it all away.

I am only worried that in couple of years he will be capable to go to the loo but claiming cannot leave bed and want you to give him a bed pan. Be careful op

He is slipping into useless old age and you will be his carer .
Leave him now,for both your sakes . He will either come to his senses and find initiative and may even try to engage .
You MUST make the break before you have an old, senile child to care for .

Totally get your frustration. 7 hours a long time on likes of You Tube. Could he be gambling? Is it porn? He’s acting like he’s regressing by sulking instead of saying this upsets you so here’s what I’ll do to fix it… would he respond if you made an action plan? By x date y will be complete and assign tasks to each of you? Leave lots of leisure time too and tick off your ones as you go? Tell him it’s really frustrating he won’t step up. This is what needs done. You’d appreciate he help do what you both agreed but ultimately be up to him if he does it.

He has chosen to stay with him all these years. The question is why?? May be she could not find another guy

Is he ADHD? How could anyone be so lazy and un-interested in their whole life