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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Totally fed up with my husband!

403 replies

Sam9769 · 22/09/2025 23:41

I am totally fed up with my husband!
We have been married for 34 years and in all that time if there is work to be done in the house, he has to be hounded to do anything.
We recently moved house but before we moved, we needed to do work on our old house to get it ready for sale. He would wait to be told what to do by me even though it was patently obvious what had to be done. If materials were required for the work, it would be left up to me to sit him down and ask him what was required and I would order them. When I would ask him why he didn't order them, the response was "I don't know!".

Fast forward, we are now in our new house which is a 1950s house and nothing has been done in it since the 1990's. Husband who is 65 and in good health is retired. I am 61 and partially retired working two days per week.
Lots of work to be done in the house and here we are again in the same situation. We hire tradespeople for the work we can't do and you've guessed it, I have to google them and find them, phone and arrange for them to come to the house. For work that we can do, he will not initiate ANYTHING!. He has to be pushed to get on with jobs in the house.
At the weekend I realised that the downstairs toilet wasn't working. It transpired that he knew about it but hadn't done anything about it.
Today, I was out of the house for 9 hours at work and doing the grocery shopping after work. Before I left I asked him to mind the two dogs and clean and tidy the kitchen.
When I got home, he was sitting on his computer with a half arsed clean of the kitchen done. He hadn't looked at the toilet and when I went out to take one of the dogs for a walk, I noticed that the outside light wasn't working. He knew about it but had done nothing. It transpires that he spent at least 7 hours today sitting on his backside on his laptop on Utube and the like.
I ended up shouting at him and he clears off upstairs, won't accept responsibility. His response today was that he was minding the dogs even though he had told me that one was outside lying in the sunshine and the other was in the hall sunning himself in a shaft of light so no real minding to do there.
I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done.
We can't afford to have all the jobs done by the trades and even if we could it would be a free pass for him to do sweet FA.
He knows what to do and is capable of doing it but just doesn't do it!

AIBU to have had it with him?

OP posts:
lightand · 24/09/2025 20:54

lightand · 24/09/2025 20:34

I know very little about mechanical engineers.
Was he give task to do each day that had to be completed?

Could you set up[yes |I know unfortunately it would have to come from you] tasks that had to be done for each day?

Mimic his work life in some way[s]?

Would he work better if he did the work with a team of people[can you rope in some unpaid and paid people]?

opencecilgee · 24/09/2025 20:57

Why are people defending him?

diy is one thing but he ought to clean the bloody kitchen when OP is at work

he retired from his career but not his life and responsibilities at home

he sounds like a lazy bum

Missj25 · 24/09/2025 20:59

Silvertulips · 22/09/2025 23:45

DH isn’t he best at DIY which is why we didn’t buy a house that needed a lot of work..

I don’t know why you decided to do this.

After 34 years he isn’t going to change.

And, why can’t you fix things? You have 5 free days.

Nope , defo not going to change after 34 years 🤷🏻‍♀️..
’ you have 5 free days, why can’t you fix what needs fixing ‘, oh pp you did make me laugh 😂😂

Bernardo1 · 24/09/2025 21:13

What wife isn't ?

ChaliceinWonderland · 24/09/2025 21:36

Jesus he is boring. Really can you imagine another 30 years of thus? What about trips, sdfentures, travel ? Book a solo holiday , enjoy your time off, does hd have mates, hobbies ???

GoodOldTrayBake · 24/09/2025 21:38

Pincey77 · 23/09/2025 00:00

He clearly doesn't want to do it though. Either learn how to do it yourself or pay someone to do it. Did he say he would happily do all the DIY at this new house and now he's changed his mind?

Hang on a minute, who gives a flying fuck what he wants. It needs to be done. No one wants to take the bins out, clean the bathroom, complete tax returns etc. - it’s just shit that needs to get done. Presumably he agreed to buy the house. Shit needs doing. He needs to do it.

“He clearly doesn’t want to do it”….! My god, is he a toddler?!? “Doesn’t want to” - he’s a grown adult with capabilities! What he “wants” needs to be filed in a drawer alongside “welcome to adulthood” and “get it done”.

Gremlins101 · 24/09/2025 21:43

I feel your frustration loud and clear OP. I think you just have to decide if you can put up with him, or get a divorce.

Anna1mac · 24/09/2025 21:56

It never ceases to amaze me that women still want to get married. I divorced years ago, I have a boyfriend who would like to move in with me. I have made it clear, that will never happen. True happiness and satisfaction with a man requires two separate households. Of course, there are some exceptional men out there, but let's be honest about it, (and even studies have proven this over and over again) single women are the happiest (or at least the ones not sharing their living space with these useless walruses). OP, what is the point of being married to this man child? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Anna1mac · 24/09/2025 22:03

AllIsWellBecause · 24/09/2025 18:47

He has chosen to stay with him all these years. The question is why?? May be she could not find another guy

Why would she want another guy??

AllIsWellBecause · 24/09/2025 22:07

Anna1mac · 24/09/2025 22:03

Why would she want another guy??

For the simple reason she's not happy with him

Charlize43 · 24/09/2025 22:11

Despite your 34 years of marriage, it does sound like you are completely mismatched.

You need to find yourself a 28 year old painter & decorator.

GarlicPint · 24/09/2025 22:13

AllIsWellBecause · 24/09/2025 22:07

For the simple reason she's not happy with him

Shockingly, women can live without male partners. There's no need to replace one with another. You may have confused them with washing machines.

AllIsWellBecause · 24/09/2025 22:24

This reply has been deleted

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AllIsWellBecause · 24/09/2025 22:26

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Sam9769 · 24/09/2025 22:34

GarlicPint · 24/09/2025 22:13

Shockingly, women can live without male partners. There's no need to replace one with another. You may have confused them with washing machines.

I totally agree!
Once bitten and all that!

OP posts:
PetuniaT · 24/09/2025 22:35

Do what Basil Fawlty suggested to to Sybil "Give it another 34 years?"

Jamesblonde2 · 24/09/2025 22:37

Tbh if I was 65 I couldn’t be arsed doing loads to a house. Don’t you want to just be enjoying your home at that point, not having to move and start from scratch doing it all
up?

Sam9769 · 24/09/2025 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I have my own career and earn my own money and have no intention of looking for another man.

OP posts:
Moimoimoimoimoimoiandanother · 24/09/2025 23:02

Crikey you've got some harsh reactions on here. The answer is simple. Time to leave him, there's someone more compatible with you out there. Life is too short to be with the wrong person.

Freud2 · 24/09/2025 23:36

Sam9769 · 23/09/2025 00:37

By the way, it's not just DIY. I am the one who has to ensure that all the bills are paid on time as I couldn't trust him to do it. When we were moving house I was the one who had to contact the estate agents to get them to come around to the house and also deal with the surveyor and all the correspondence with the solicitors regarding the conveyance. He would forget to respond to requests for information or pay a bill on time. When we first got married, I noticed that he received a solicitor's letter chasing him for an unpaid bill. He had the money to pay it but just hadn't paid it. From then on, I took over the paperwork.
He is very laid back although he has recently been diagnosed with high blood pressure. I often wonder if there might be some underlying depression but he doesn't seem depressed. I can't work it out!

Sounds like a learned helplessness. Do you think he might feel emasculated as you are obviously really organised and capable? Just a thought - I might be way off the mark.

GarlicPint · 24/09/2025 23:41

Freud2 · 24/09/2025 23:36

Sounds like a learned helplessness. Do you think he might feel emasculated as you are obviously really organised and capable? Just a thought - I might be way off the mark.

"Emasculated" 🙄 OP hasn't cut his balls off, she's made his life easier.
I wouldn't mind somebody "emasculating" me if that's what it looks like!

jigglybits · 24/09/2025 23:54

Get a young and hunky handyman in!!
Or just leave and enjoy working away by yourself in your new place with no arguing.. life is too short to have so little respect for the man you're living with. He wants to vegetate- let him, he is an adult. You don't have to, though.

TooTooMuchEverything · 24/09/2025 23:58

GoodOldTrayBake · 24/09/2025 21:38

Hang on a minute, who gives a flying fuck what he wants. It needs to be done. No one wants to take the bins out, clean the bathroom, complete tax returns etc. - it’s just shit that needs to get done. Presumably he agreed to buy the house. Shit needs doing. He needs to do it.

“He clearly doesn’t want to do it”….! My god, is he a toddler?!? “Doesn’t want to” - he’s a grown adult with capabilities! What he “wants” needs to be filed in a drawer alongside “welcome to adulthood” and “get it done”.

I don’t want to clean the bathroom tomorrow because I hate cleaning the bathroom and would rather sit in front of my computer.

But I’m going to clean the bathroom because I’m not a child and the bathroom needs to be cleaned.

My husband can’t even use the washing machine or the dryer. When he asked how to use the new oven I handed him the instructions booklet for the oven and told him to read it just like I did. He elected not to read it and not to use the oven.

He was a builder before retirement and capable of building houses from the ground up. But he can’t do a fucking load of washing.

I’ve always resented that he didn’t help around the house but I was told his all important job was too demanding and he bought in most of the money. Apparently my part time job didn’t get me any time off from child caring and domestic servitude.

My sons were taught be me how to clean from age 14. When they turned 14 they had to do one big job a week. The bathroom, the kitchen or vacuuming. They got to choose which one and could swap. They are married now and do half the housework and cook and shop and know how to load a fucking washing machine.

But the thinking that was rife in my day still exists to some degree.

Meg8 · 25/09/2025 01:08

I have great sympathy for the OP. My DH is identical - except he wasn't particularly good at his job as a Uni Lecturer. He only wanted the job cos of the long holidays that lecturers then had. He was greatly miffed when he was passed over several times for promotion by young, enthusiastic people. He ended up with his main responsibility being for teaching timetables, a job he could do at home, and guess who did it for him?

It took me about three years after marriage to realise he just wasn't "into" housework of any kind. As with the OP I had to remind him to mow the lawn or clean the bathroom, and he took hours over each task, often not completing them or doing them badly. Ever task was interspersed with many breaks for coffee or food, or a bit of telly, or listening to the News (again), and long baths at the end of the day.

At first we had a little semi, then a smallish detached and finally (with two children) a 5-bed detached with 5 downstairs rooms and large garden. While he went off to his job at the Uni I combined childcare with housework, finances, organising holidays, and building a self-employed business for any spare hours I had. I can't think of one job that he took responsibility for - as with the OP, I had to remind him that the lawn needed mowing, or he needed to crack on with lecturer prep. He once took over the family finances and within one month we were overdrawn/ I never let him near the finances again.

In hindsight, I should have left the marriage early on, but threw myself into my business, and later a full-time (and I mean 60 hours a week plus 90 miles a day travelling) job which I did without any help from him, and still did all the household stuff. Every holiday was organised by me, ever day out, everything really. I IMAGINED and EXPECTED that some tasks at least would be his responsibility, like keeping an eye on the state of the garden fence while he was mowing the lawn, but eventually learnt that he could only cope with one thing at once - the mowing - and checking the fence was a separate job, that of course he forgot to do. I use this as just one example. He is quite capable of coming in through the front door and not seeing the pile of post on the doormat. If he did notice it and bring it into the kitchen, he would open it, not read it, and leave the envelopes on the worktop and walk away with a cup of coffee, totally ignored.
doo
I didn't really notice how little he did cos back then I just got on with it, but retirement in our early sixties made it all obvious. While he sat around reading the paper or watching useless TV I wouldd be doing everything else in the home.

He is not useless at DIY, in fact he is pretty competent. The main issue is getting him to even start at task, and then waiting hours to finish it (if he ever does). At one point I bought a tiny flat near my work to avoid the long journey there and back, and bought myself an electric drill. I was amazed as to how quick and easy it was to erect flat-pack furniture, put up curtain rails etc. after years of thinking it was a laborious job!

Now he is physically incapable of much at all. I have to dress him, be there for safety when he showers, do all the housework, gardening, DIY, finances, arrange holidays (and do most of the driving) etc. etc. He has been having physiotherapy on and off for 14 years, each time being discharged because he doesn't keep up with the exercises. As a result I have little sympathy for his pain and discomfort cos he won't even look after his own body.

For 52 years I blindly imagined that he would change, that something would make him realise that he has to make an effort, if only for his own benefit, but he won't (and now probably can't). He was 5 foot 11 when I married him and I am 5 foot 3, but he can't even stretch up to get his muesli out of the cupboard or anything higher than the base of a wall cupboard. He even struggles to turn on a tap, and he can't reach up to shampoo or rinse his hair. Not that he has ever cared about his appearance. He is happy in dirty clothes, including socks. I remind him once a fortnight that he needs to take a shower, but he won't entertain a stand-up wash in between.

If I knew then what I know now, I should have left him years ago but certainly at our retirement, cos he seemed to have written life off by then and I certainly had not.

Those posters who have made out that the OP is in the wrong are so condescending. I almost hope they get theri comeuppance in the future. I do suspect my DH might have some variety of ADHD (oh, and the hoarding of rubbish is phenomenal) but he scoffs at the idea and certainly wouldn't make any effort to find techniques to help himself (and definitely not me).

Basically I hate him now. It should never have got to this. I should have left years ago.

Meg8 · 25/09/2025 01:15

I also want to add that at our monthly u3a meetings (I am Treasurer) all the ladies flock to him to ask how he is, and sympathise, then tell me how brave he is and how I should be doing this, that or the other for him. I could scream. To the outside world he is a "nice chap" and it's true - but he laps up the attention and doesn't even reciprocate.

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