Totally fed up with my husband!

[Sam9769]

I am totally fed up with my husband!
We have been married for 34 years and in all that time if there is work to be done in the house, he has to be hounded to do anything.
We recently moved house but before we moved, we needed to do work on our old house to get it ready for sale. He would wait to be told what to do by me even though it was patently obvious what had to be done. If materials were required for the work, it would be left up to me to sit him down and ask him what was required and I would order them. When I would ask him why he didn't order them, the response was "I don't know!".

Fast forward, we are now in our new house which is a 1950s house and nothing has been done in it since the 1990's. Husband who is 65 and in good health is retired. I am 61 and partially retired working two days per week.
Lots of work to be done in the house and here we are again in the same situation. We hire tradespeople for the work we can't do and you've guessed it, I have to google them and find them, phone and arrange for them to come to the house. For work that we can do, he will not initiate ANYTHING!. He has to be pushed to get on with jobs in the house.
At the weekend I realised that the downstairs toilet wasn't working. It transpired that he knew about it but hadn't done anything about it.
Today, I was out of the house for 9 hours at work and doing the grocery shopping after work. Before I left I asked him to mind the two dogs and clean and tidy the kitchen.
When I got home, he was sitting on his computer with a half arsed clean of the kitchen done. He hadn't looked at the toilet and when I went out to take one of the dogs for a walk, I noticed that the outside light wasn't working. He knew about it but had done nothing. It transpires that he spent at least 7 hours today sitting on his backside on his laptop on Utube and the like.
I ended up shouting at him and he clears off upstairs, won't accept responsibility. His response today was that he was minding the dogs even though he had told me that one was outside lying in the sunshine and the other was in the hall sunning himself in a shaft of light so no real minding to do there.
I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done.
We can't afford to have all the jobs done by the trades and even if we could it would be a free pass for him to do sweet FA.
He knows what to do and is capable of doing it but just doesn't do it!

AIBU to have had it with him?

You haven’t mentioned any lovely things about him. It sounds like you really dislike him. He may be feeling the same but is too lazy to leave. Just go, you have another 30 years of this, leave and be happy

My god woman, stop moaning.

He's not going to change, get over it. Sounds like youve pressured him into a fixer upper, that he doesnt want or can be bothered to fix up!

You seem to enjoy it, so just get on with it.

I am shocked at how unsupportive people are on here

He as like a lazy arse

stop doing everything for him, just do what is important to you, and stop being his housekeeper and maid

i am in a similar situation with DH of 25 years and it has crept up, we used to crack in with stuff together but he gets lazier with age whereas I keep stepping up…. I have now stopped food shopping and cooking as I am fed up.

fair enough he does not want to traditional husband roles like diy, fair enough. So I also have stopped doing traditional housewife stuff. If you want to say fuck those gender roles …. fair does. I now work and do the DIY and that’s that

I voted YABU purely because you knew your husbands flaws and suddenly expected him to change because you moved house. He isnt going too and I'm flummoxed that you brought a house which needed lots of work knowing he was going to be just as much hard work as the house.

However in regards to your husbands overall laziness you have a right to be angry and fed up with it. You need to make a decision whether you want to spend your retirement with this current situation. If that thought feels you with dread you have your answer. You dont want to be babying someone who is in fact in their 60s.

I think she expected him to change because he's now retired. He had been perfectly capable of holding down a job, i.e. getting things done, outside of the home context.

If I were her I would tell him how close she is to leaving him. If that doesn't spur him into action, whatever will?

Can you not change a lightbulb and get a plumber? - loos are not easy to fix, surprisingly!

Why buy a house to do up when you don't like DIY?

I’ll be honest, you put up with it for 34yrs…why should he change and why would you think he would suddenly? Either accept it and pay to have things done (like I do!) or…🤔well, that’s it really..

It's insane to buy a doer upper at their age we've done it up until this home.

When DH wanted to knock out a brand new kitchen and run an extension the full length of the rear of the bungalow so 28ft by ten then an L Into the old kitchen for god knows what I absolutely refused 120k for a vanity project for a pensioner who would bugger off every day to his boat leaving me behind to cope with the chaos. We'd downsized and he was trying to upsize again.

That was the ADHD hyper thing going on in his mind. I'd lived in four previous homes like this I bloody wasn't doing it again.

Can’t believe the nonsense that people in their 60s shouldn’t do diy. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he needed to step up. I’ve got one who would be like this if I put up with it, but he knows I’m not his servant . I would be fully prepared to split over it .

There's a world of difference between DIY and a doer upper House with endless DIY jobs. D

Surely people have to learn how to be functioning adults though? I'm too old to have a dyslexia diagnosis (didn't even hear the word till I was 24) but I've made work-arounds so my manky spelling doesn't trip me up.
Is it possible for mild cases of ADHD?

Confused by this ADHD suggestion. How did OP's husband get to qualify as a mechanical engineer with a such a condition?

He's a lazy bastard.

Fair

I’m another one who can’t understand why you bought a house that needed so much work. I don’t believe that there were no other suitable properties in your budget, unless you had completely unavoidable reasons to not move areas or downsize.

You need to accept that your husband isn’t going to change. You can either work with who he is or decide to divorce.

All of this! Some of the replies on here have been so harsh. He is basically being useless and people find a way to make it OP's fault? I'm sure they have spent the last 35yrs hoping for better and tried every communication technique known to man. Who hasn't wasted their time on a person? OP, I hope that you find a way to stop this man from stealing your time, energy and your life. You can leave "just" because you are unhappy.

I am sorry but living with you would drive me mad (as I am sure would be the other way round).

I am like your DH and would really not want to be doing all that stuff when I am retired. Luckily my DH does not get annoyed with me. We are compatible like that .

Anyway as to what you can do. Nothing really unless you want to leave him? Since he has not changed in this aspect in 34 years, what makes you think he will now?

Why did you think your husband would change when you moved?

My husband is the same as a result we brought a new build, he is rubbish at DIY but his skills lie in other areas so I don't mind! 😂

There’s thousands of men like that!.
And thousands of women like OP, after 34 years, she should have known.
I suggest, although, I could be wrong, but I doubt it.
That hubby was perfectly happy in their previous home and didn’t want to move. The moving was her idea and he (like my husband) went with the flow, so as to keep the piece.
She did it all, always has done, because if we don’t it will never get done!.
Hubby just strolls along, takes it all in his stride and cannot see what the fuss is about, whatever needs doing is not a priority, he’ll do it eventually!.
My husband has always classed painting and decorating as a spectator sport, only too happy to watch the football, while I am up a ladder hanging wallpaper!.
If I want anything doing I have to start it myself, then play the frustrated clueless female card (yes it works).
My problem since we retired is the opposite, he takes over and suddenly my way of using the hoover, is not as good his new method, the washing is done and it’s all washed at the same temperature and on the same 15 minute quick wash!.
He’s dusted, without moving a single object, he’s cleaned the windows again, because I’ve left streaks from yesterday!.
But, I’ve got to notice!, I’ve got to give him his credit for the hoovering, the washing, the washing up etc….
I would gladly go back to having to nag, because he’s driving me nuts!.
I still do all the bill paying, getting tradesmen in etc, but, I no longer moan about the football.
My point is that maybe after 34 years and retirement, you hoped he would change, believe me, change can result in more gray hairs, not less!.

I know how you feel op. My oh is a carpenter so is more than capable. He does f all without constant nagging.

It all screams ADHD to me. My daughter and my sister have it. Its extremely annoying but if you get to understand it, it does make sense. They look lazy as F, constant source of irritation but its not done on purpose to annoy you.

This is what I think is probably much more common in long marriages- the gradual change over time as you say. “….we used to crack in with stuff together but he gets lazier with age whereas I keep stepping up…. I have now stopped food shopping and cooking as I am fed up”

Missing the point of the post - please don’t spray the weeds. Sprays that kill the weeds also poison insects like bees

You need to decide now. Are you prepared to put up with this for the rest of your life? He hasn’t changed in 34 years and is unlikely to now.

either accept that you need to do it all or make plans to leave. There are people out there looking for companionship in their 60s. You wouldn’t even have to live with someone again.

don’t bother asking him to do anything as it will stress you out when it’s not done. He’s so used to you just doing things that he doesn’t bother as he knows you will do it eventually.

stop washing his clothes and he will work it out eventually

People with ADHD can hold down jobs. My daughter and my sister both have it and both work responsible jobs. My daughter says its like autopilot to get up and get off to work, where there's no choice and its routine they can do it. However when it come to mundane, stuff that isn't mega urgent, things that need doing but no essential they cant frame or motivate themselves to do it. It's annoying to live with.