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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner galavanting the world while I raise the children alone

85 replies

Mumbojumboh · 22/09/2025 21:30

I need some advice. I have been single parenting two primary age children for the last four years basically alone. There dad has a job that essentially means he gets to live a life of travelling the world enjoying the high life. Think fancy hotels, dinner out everyday, no responsibilities outside of work, never having to do the drudgery of life, cooking, cleaning and everything associated with raising children. He flits back occasionally in a whirlwind of fun and gifts and gets just the good bits of having children.

I work hard, I do all the school pick up drop off, homework, reading, running around to clubs, I feel like I am constantly washing and cooking and cleaning.

I love my children dearly. But my goodness how do I let go of some of the resentment I feel. I have no time for a life of my own and just feel completely flat at the moment. I feel like I have no more I can give and like I’m spinning so many plates constantly.

I honestly understand why so many women choose not to have kids these days. It was never in my plan to be a single parent, but ex decided family life wasn’t for him after all.

OP posts:
readingmakesmehappy · 22/09/2025 21:38

That sounds really really hard.
Does he pay child support? Do you have a close relationship that you could tell him you need a break sometimes and for him to take them for part of the holidays or the occasional weekend?

DaftNoodle · 22/09/2025 22:07

I honestly don’t know how you let go of the resentment, but just wanted to say you feeling that way is totally valid.
my ex works, socialises, buys new clothes every week, always in the pub and sees our daughter for a couple of hours and never overnight. He regularly tells me how he lives hand to mouth and has no money. He takes no responsibility for our daughter but acts like father of the year to others. I try very hard not to think about it because when I do it makes me so angry.

Imaginariums · 22/09/2025 22:08

He’ll forever have a hole burning into his soul
that he might not be aware of yet but it will rear its ugly head when he’s old and alone.

123Carrotake · 22/09/2025 22:12

You just deal with the cards you were dealt with. It's shit.

I don't think he'll have any massive regrets either. Sure, he'll complain his kids don't call enough but he won't be heartbroken.

There is no fairness. You just remember those kids deserve all the love in the world and you do that for them.

123Carrotake · 22/09/2025 22:15

One of DH's friends broke up with the mother of his 2 year old. We felt so sorry for him, he acted really heartbroken and mad her out to be crazy and unbearable to live with (but not too crazy to not trust her with his child).

But then about 2 months after the split, he was telling everyone the benefit of splitting up is he now has an amazing amount of time for himself and hobbies, he was training for a triathlon and was on Tinder already.

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/09/2025 22:23

You would rather go to some hotels for work than have your children with you?

Polyestered · 22/09/2025 22:26

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GoldenGeishaGirl · 22/09/2025 22:27

123Carrotake · 22/09/2025 22:12

You just deal with the cards you were dealt with. It's shit.

I don't think he'll have any massive regrets either. Sure, he'll complain his kids don't call enough but he won't be heartbroken.

There is no fairness. You just remember those kids deserve all the love in the world and you do that for them.

Agreed. Mine are young teens and I’m a sole parent too. I was worried for a while about how bitter and resentful I feel towards their absent father, but I decided that I was giving him too much power over me.

His actions (or lack of) are outwith my control and complaining about how unfair it is doesn’t change anything. I’m not saying I don’t think you should complain, I mean just to be mindful of how much time and energy you waste over thinking about hm.

I’ve had to consciously change my thoughts to other things including knowing that when they’re older, they’ll have a continuing close bond with me but I very much doubt they’ll have anything to do with him. It really is his loss because they’re brilliant kids.

BookArt55 · 22/09/2025 22:31

It is hard. 100%.
I suppose I just try my best to remember one day I will want them wrecking the house with toys everywhere or crawling into my bed, because one day they'll be grown and I will wish they were this little again. And when they are grown, I will be the parent they call, the parent they want to visit, hopefully the grandparent. Whereas he will be a twice a year relationship with no real understanding of love and to be loved. I know what I would prefer. But I also like to sulk about it too!

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/09/2025 22:32

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And then a hero came along........
Calm down, its not goady at all. I'm making the point that OP has by far the better deal.

Begby6789 · 22/09/2025 22:35

You are totally justified to have a good moan, but you will be the winner in the end. All the graft you have put in will be paid back in spades by the deep connection you will have forged with your children. They will know who was there for them every day without fail, and random treats and expensive gifts can't trump that. Be proud of your commitment and strength.

iamjustlurking · 22/09/2025 22:38

Its so hard when you had children believing you'd be bringing them up together and your left lone parenting.
My DC were 8, 5 and 3 weeks however 20 odd years letter despite the struggle and hardship you get your rewards when you look at your adult children and realise you did that, you raised them, you were their home and safe place. They see that they really do.

Original poster
Mumbojumboh · 22/09/2025 22:48

Thanks all it’s is really helping to read your thoughts. I’m normally a pretty positive person. I think with the last weeks of feeling pure exhaustion, it’s hard not to wish for a bit of a break/easier life at times.

No I would not choose being away over being with my children but there are moments where I just would like a small break. Unfortunately even when I was hospitalised their dad wouldn’t come home until his own mother forced him to. I should feel flattered he thinks I’m some kind of invincible human that can do everything and just keep going. But I don’t. I just feel like I am not even a person but child rearing slave to him. It would nice to be valued a little.

OP posts:
IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 22/09/2025 22:49

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/09/2025 22:23

You would rather go to some hotels for work than have your children with you?

This. You get to have a meaningful family life, to see your children grow, to watch their milestones and enjoy their company. His life by comparison, may seem glamorous but it is pretty empty.

Wkanznjs · 22/09/2025 22:51

Thing is, you wouldn’t swap places. Imagine not seeing your children for such long stretches of time and being completely uninvolved in their lives. It’s really appalling.

outofofficeagain · 22/09/2025 22:54

I have a friend with an ex-husband like this.

Her children are grown up now - they know exactly who did what for them and hold their father in appropriate disdain. They turn up for the cash and little else.

He is in his mid-50s and the years of travelling have taken their toll. He looks utterly miserable.

BruFord · 22/09/2025 22:58

How often does he actually see them? If your children would like to spend more time with him, could you propose that he has them for a period during school holidays, for example? Only if you feel that it would benefit your children, of course.

MellowPinkDeer · 22/09/2025 23:00

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/09/2025 22:23

You would rather go to some hotels for work than have your children with you?

Yes, I think everyone would at some stage! No need to be goady about it!

StJulian2023 · 22/09/2025 23:01

I hear you. Lone parenting is so often mentally and physically exhausting. Of course you love your kids, but of course you need breaks. And it is SO tough when you don’t get them Flowers

Endofyear · 22/09/2025 23:01

Mumbojumboh · 22/09/2025 22:48

Thanks all it’s is really helping to read your thoughts. I’m normally a pretty positive person. I think with the last weeks of feeling pure exhaustion, it’s hard not to wish for a bit of a break/easier life at times.

No I would not choose being away over being with my children but there are moments where I just would like a small break. Unfortunately even when I was hospitalised their dad wouldn’t come home until his own mother forced him to. I should feel flattered he thinks I’m some kind of invincible human that can do everything and just keep going. But I don’t. I just feel like I am not even a person but child rearing slave to him. It would nice to be valued a little.

OP, just because you are not valued by him, doesn't mean that you are not valuable. You are valuable to your children and you will be the one to have a close relationship with them throughout your life. He is the one missing out.

If at all possible, can you find a decent and reliable babysitter? An older teen daughter of a friend, a local childcare course student? If you can claw back a little bit of time to yourself, it would be a huge benefit. Maybe you could do a babysitting swap with a friend where you have each other's children overnight to give each other a break?

As your children get older, you will be able to regain some free time again. Once they are in secondary school, they become much more independent and will be busy with their friends. Hang in there, you are doing a great job 💐

StJulian2023 · 22/09/2025 23:02

Btw, I go away for work twice a year for 36 hours (I’m on a company’s advisory board). It’s honestly the closest I get to a spa weekend! One day…

123Carrotake · 22/09/2025 23:06

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/09/2025 22:32

And then a hero came along........
Calm down, its not goady at all. I'm making the point that OP has by far the better deal.

Show quote history

Does she? You're assuming she should be getting all her life satisfaction from raising these children but that is quite self-sacrificing. Travelling, having a rewarding career, money, prioritizing yourself 24/7, all sounds pretty good.

Women are just presumed to not be selfish. In fact, we're left with no choice. Yes, she could leave the children in an orphanage altogether. But that's a pretty nuclear option. What her exH did was leave them in the knowledge that they are with a loving parent who cares for them. She doesn't have that option as he took it away from her.

So now she's not allowed to moan about how she has nothing for herself. You're also assuming these children will grow up to be wonderful adults who love her and appreciate her and see through the selfishness of their dad. Meanwhile, she's broke, with a limited career, lower pension and probably middle aged and lonely too.

Real happiness is probably somewhere in the middle.

LikeStrawberriesAndCream · 22/09/2025 23:07

Can understand the resentment - you sound burnt out and exhausted. Do you have a support network? Parents, school mums, friends, siblings?
Yes, it's hard work now but it will get easier. They will grow up, become more and more independent, and then you will have more time for yourself.
In my view, you have kept everything good from your relationship - the children and a home. His lifestyle of hotels & nights out may seem carefree & exciting, but it's also a fairly soulless existence long term.

Cherish the relationship you have with your children, feel proud of raising them practically alone and don't ever show your resentment to them - they will know who was actually there for them everyday, who took them to school, who mopped their brow when they were ill etc etc. IME the Disney dad type don't seem quite so 'fun' when their children are adults, and these men realise they don't really know their children at all, and basically missed out on them growing up.

Original poster
Mumbojumboh · 22/09/2025 23:10

Unfortunately he only sees the children on what
works for his schedule not theirs and as you can guess it that rarely means school holidays. In fact he has never been there for the summer holidays, thats partly why I am so burnt out. The juggle of working and childcare was really hard. I do not have family help.

I do have a babysitter who helps from time to time but it usually her covering because i am working. So not a break! I need to find a way to make more time for me. I’m listening. Thank you all. I guess my guilt gets in the way, as I feel so bad for working so much that when i am not at work, I feel I should be present for the kids.

OP posts:
SilverCamellia · 22/09/2025 23:24

Mumbojumboh · 22/09/2025 23:10

Unfortunately he only sees the children on what
works for his schedule not theirs and as you can guess it that rarely means school holidays. In fact he has never been there for the summer holidays, thats partly why I am so burnt out. The juggle of working and childcare was really hard. I do not have family help.

I do have a babysitter who helps from time to time but it usually her covering because i am working. So not a break! I need to find a way to make more time for me. I’m listening. Thank you all. I guess my guilt gets in the way, as I feel so bad for working so much that when i am not at work, I feel I should be present for the kids.

I do hope he is at least contributing financially.