Ex partner galavanting the world while I raise the children alone

[Mumbojumboh]

I need some advice. I have been single parenting two primary age children for the last four years basically alone. There dad has a job that essentially means he gets to live a life of travelling the world enjoying the high life. Think fancy hotels, dinner out everyday, no responsibilities outside of work, never having to do the drudgery of life, cooking, cleaning and everything associated with raising children. He flits back occasionally in a whirlwind of fun and gifts and gets just the good bits of having children.

I work hard, I do all the school pick up drop off, homework, reading, running around to clubs, I feel like I am constantly washing and cooking and cleaning.

I love my children dearly. But my goodness how do I let go of some of the resentment I feel. I have no time for a life of my own and just feel completely flat at the moment. I feel like I have no more I can give and like I’m spinning so many plates constantly.

I honestly understand why so many women choose not to have kids these days. It was never in my plan to be a single parent, but ex decided family life wasn’t for him after all.

Priority for me would be to ensure you get every penny you're entitled too in Child maintenance so you can afford a babysitter.Then contact his mum and your family saying Iaying out how burnt out you are because of his lack of care and ask them to have the kids for overnights and breaks. If I'm honest I wouldn't be able to get over the bitterness towards him, I've never been able to take the high ground, so respect to you for trying op and also for being such a great parent.

As the mother of a son, it would cut me to the bone if my ds did this to his own dc. It would honestly break me watching the boy I raised to be a man behave in such a way.

Take heart @Mumbojumbohthat everyone in his life knows what a piece of shit he is. They may not tell him. They may act as if all is cool. But they know.

You are building a life with your dc that can never be replaced. But you can not run yourself ragged. Is there any way that in the next school holidays you can use the babysitter not just for when you are working but to give you a little bit of down time? Even if it is just one afternoon?

You say his mum made him come back when you were in hospital. Is she any sort to you? Does she visit or have her grandkids over?

@saraclara We’ve had a bit of a up and down relationship the last few years his mum and I. I was really upset initially when Ex left and she ant one point almost blamed me (I wasn’t the one having a secret girlfriend and life). So I had to take a step back from our relationship for my own mental health.

I look back now things have settled and realise actually I think she was in shock at the time. She has expressed she feels a lot of disappointment of his choices and that it is not how she raised him to be. But I know she is also scared of losing her son by ever saying anything.

Whenever there is an emergency ex will send his mother (ie I have pneumonia) but she is not local. She finds having both children on her own a lot and she also is a carer for an elderly parent. It’s a tricky one.

@CagneyNYPD1 yes I can try to. Holiday time is like gold dust with covering the school holidays too. I need to get over the guilt of feeling like when im not working I should be with the children and remember that my mental wellbeing matters too.

I'd sooner have had my children than have fancy dinners and stay in hotels a lot for work.

@Mumbojumboh do you have family in the UK?

My DH’s dad was a crappy Disney dad.
Now his dad is in his 70s, DH in his 30s. We are parents now and so is dh’s sister - none of us make much effort for their crappy dad. He doesn’t get to benefit from our lives / relationships or seeing the grandchildren much. I don’t know if he cares or not; but I know it’s his loss and he has a sad life missing all of these important family ties. So take some solace that when everyone is grown up, they will see him for what he really is.

As an adult would you accept presents from someone who otherwise was a shitty presence in your life?? Not really.. your kids haven’t learnt that yet but they will. His shallow ways won’t be able to sustain the relationships for all their lives.

As a pp said - maybe try and change your thinking - there is no fairness, there’s no ‘moral’ judge along the way. But there is the future outcomes which are influenced by our behaviours- you know in good faith you have always done the best for them and that will last. His methods won’t go the distance.

lots of luck to you. You sound like a wonderful mother xxxx

Agree with the pp who said contact his mum / family and see if they can help you get any down time. Just because he is a shit doesn’t mean they are and you & your kids could really benefit from their support. So maybe you could reach out to his mum or family and say you would be grateful of any help / time with the children and you’d like to make sure there is a strong relationship there for the kids. That’s a win win for you in every way if they respond positively. Xxx

Presumably your ex-husband earns a good salary so you get your fair share? If not, you need to fix that.

That sounds desperately unfair. I'm sorry.

I think you are going to have to reframe this somehow. He is travelling the world and occasionally flying in for presents/big show. You are creating your children's childhood - it is as simple as that. What they will remember about their childhood will be made up of all the moments you are toiling along with right now. You are rearing children into adults - the adults they become will be to your credit. It sucks that your ex is so stupid as to think this doesn't matter. But it does matter.

I hope you enjoy your time with your kids, create some family traditions (every friday night it is pizza and movies or whatever) that your children will remember and realise you are doing an incredibly important job here.

I feel sorry for his mum in some ways - my worst nightmare would be my son would turn out like this.

It sounds like his mum might be on your side? Could she maybe take the kids overnight every now and again?

OP I’ve been lone parenting for 15 years. I know it’s hard and you are an absolute shero. It gets easier as they get older and one big thing is you never really have to share them, they know who did what when they get older and they vote with their feet. I’ve also been happy I’ve never had to share DD during Christmas etc.

I hope he contributes financially, my ex never did, but I focussed on my career and have done really well. Hope your workplace is understanding about your situation, many are nowadays.

One piece of advice, try and find a hobby they enjoy that takes up some Saturday time…Stagecoach or tennis…use the time to take yourself off for a coffee, mooch, swim…whatever, just time for you.

Pretend to yourself he is dead, as the nice guy you new is.
enlist any of his family you might be able to guilt trip into helping,
hopefully he’s paying decent maintenance use this to make your life easier, cleaner, gym with creche, Saturday morning stage coach for a couple hours free time, babysitter once a week at least etc

It will get easier as they get older. And as someone said up thread your children know and see who is doing everything. I said to my ex once "if you are waiting for your boys to be old enough to go down the pub with you when they are older, you will have lost them already"

My ex partner has been overseas 4 times since we split 15yrs ago, usually for 3yrs at a time. It really does frustrate me, particularly this last one as DD is doing A levels and has some health challenges, so i’m having to drop her off / collect her and work full time. Meanwhile he is posting photos of him being wined and dined and treated like some kind of king because of his job. No advice, but I will say kids grow up and know who was there for them and who wasn’t.

You're resentment is unjustified. I used to have a job which was considered glamorous. Constantly travelling , dining out , posh hotels

It's a horrible exhausting life , constantly having to be on form, witty, living out of a suitcase.
Fancying cheese on crackers for dinner but having to attend dinners in-between staying on top of the game workwise.

I bet your ex is envious of you. Snuggling up with your kids, watching EastEnders

Lol

Don't be such an idiot, @maddy70,her husband is living exactly the life he wants.

OP, can he pay you more for childcare so that you get the chance to go out?

No she doesn't lol. Small kids are a PITA.

I know this won't help much, but much of the joy of children comes from time spent with them, especially when they are grown and you rely on the relationships you have built. You are the primary parent, he will always be the secondary one, one day the drudgery will be over but you will have the elationship you have built over years.

Do not feel guilty about taking a bit of time for you in whatever way you can/want to.

The pp who say your kids will be forever grateful are wrong, that's not how people work. They'll grow up and have their own lives and you need yours.

Bloody annoying he isn't paying more if his work's so damn fancy, though.

Really?! Boohooo sounds terrible and meanwhile OP is at home with the kids 24/7. Talk about missing the point.

OP I hear you and it is really really tough going being the one who does everything I have been there. I can reassure you though that one day (and it may be a long time off) it will all have been worth it. My DC are now young adults and we are so close, they barely see their Dad as he barely knows who they are as people. I would not swap places with him and have the crappy relationship he has now for all the tea in China.

I didn't say it wasn't tough fir the op , she said she resented his lifestyle I was explaining that it's bit a great as she thinks it is The grass isn't always greener and envy is destructive. Always good to see another side but some posters here are so blinkered and unablee to

The kids will eventually see him for the selfish, absent waste of space that he is. You know you can’t rely on him for any kind of consideration or help, so for your own mental health you have to let that go. It will get easier, you are really in the trenches now trying to fill the gap that their useless father has left. Keep going, you’re amazing xx