Ex partner galavanting the world while I raise the children alone

[Mumbojumboh]

I need some advice. I have been single parenting two primary age children for the last four years basically alone. There dad has a job that essentially means he gets to live a life of travelling the world enjoying the high life. Think fancy hotels, dinner out everyday, no responsibilities outside of work, never having to do the drudgery of life, cooking, cleaning and everything associated with raising children. He flits back occasionally in a whirlwind of fun and gifts and gets just the good bits of having children.

I work hard, I do all the school pick up drop off, homework, reading, running around to clubs, I feel like I am constantly washing and cooking and cleaning.

I love my children dearly. But my goodness how do I let go of some of the resentment I feel. I have no time for a life of my own and just feel completely flat at the moment. I feel like I have no more I can give and like I’m spinning so many plates constantly.

I honestly understand why so many women choose not to have kids these days. It was never in my plan to be a single parent, but ex decided family life wasn’t for him after all.

Even a really good salary doesn't produce huge amounts of child maintenance. It's 15% of his salary for 2 kids. I don't think that's a fair share. It won't be comparable to a 2 income household.

Another load of men on this thread trying to shame and silence women and minimise the suffering of single parenthood when mother has no time for herself and is on 24/7.

There is no guarantee whatsoever of a reward in the future when the kids are grown.

The might end up ungrateful as many children do.

It's brutal OP. I was resentful towards my ex for a good few years but have accepted the situation and just do the best I can.

It's weird how women are no longer seen by many as real human beings with needs of their own when they have children. It's so incredibly oppressive.

Does he pay child support?

No I’m afraid it came across as goady to me, too

And me.

Pmsl

I think so often Mums get the thin end of the wedge .Its unfair and unkind but so many ladies are battling each day for their kids.Most men, even the nice ones .still feel their wives are the default parent . Can you get a night off with the babysitter maybe ? Call a friend for a night out/in if they could come over .If you have any spare time ,a pamper night .face mask/long hot soak with lovely bath oils(I love geranium and orange Neils Yard.) Bit dear at £15.00 but just keep for best as I do .Makes it more special .

It's not quite the same thing but as a child,I was brought up by my grandad

My other grandparents had their favourites (my cousins) and ignored us (myself and my brothers)

Grandad died when I was 14-no sign of any support from the gruesome twosome

I had my pfb when I was 19 and all of a sudden they wanted to know me

I didn't want to know them-there was no relationship at all

They had the nerve to act like I was the one that was in the wrong!

It hadn't been them that got up in the night when I had a nightmare,hadn't been them saying well done when I did something good or stand on the sidelines at sports day

I remembered who was there for me and who wasnt

Fast forward and the kids father left me with 2 small kids and a ton of debts

I remember being desperate for a break while he swanned about ignoring them and living his best life (he refused to spend a minute more than he had to and refused to pay for them as he claimed he couldn't afford it,while going on yet another 5* holiday) and then he just stopped seeing them-hed lost interest (it was all about controlling me and not about the dc)

It's shit trying to juggle work and kids,I remember crying more than once at how hard it was and feeling like my mental health was going to collapse and knowing I had no choice but to keep going as if I didn't,everything would go to pot

The kids grew up and guess who they don't want to know now?

All my fault they didn't hit 18 and fall into his arms while crying about how much they missed him apparently

thing is kids are ungrateful and have short memories. the OPs kids will see fun dad who brings them exciting gifts and lives a glamorous lifestyle - not that he abandoned them and buggered off. They don’t see how tired and stressed their mum is and what she’s had to sacrifice because we lone mums are told to suck it up and not let it show and not tell the kids the truth of it all lest it affects them. They get a tired and probably grumpy mum who makes them brush their teeth and do homework and tells them off

So many now adults I know whose fathers weren’t on the scene for decades now ask them to walk them down the aisle and so on and I find it so disloyal to their mothers and must be a complete kick in the teeth for them

Oh, FFS. RTFT. See what the OP is saying.

It’s not just about hotels 🙄

Why? You know exactly what she means and why she’s frazzled with it all and feeling like she’s got the rough end of the stick.
when you have children you expect to have help from the other parent sharing the load together she clearly doesn’t have that and is pissed off so she’s come here for a moan!

I sympathise, OP. It's shit and the fact that you'll have a closer relationship with your DC in the future than him, isn't really helping now. It's not fair. Keep on keeping on.

I’m sorry so many of you have also found yourself in similar circumstances you are all blooming amazing in my eyes. It’s hard to describe the pure mental and physical exhaustion of knowing the only person you can actually rely on is yourself day in day out.

I feel lucky all things considered and try to practice focusing on the things I am grateful for. But in the moments when I’m totally overwhelmed it’s hard not feel a bit of resentment towards the person that is suppose to be the other parent when they seem to have zero responsibilities and yet your own have tripled! I can assure you he is not envious of my life, he loves his lifestyle and has no desire to do normal life.

My ex is the same.
The children are older now though and they see him for who he is

Is that really what you got from this? Seriously?

OP, you are absolutely entitled to a break and are doing an amazing job. Of course this is not what you signed up for and is so unfair, and exhausting. Keep pushing for your rubbish ex to take on more responsibility. He clearly doesn't want to and loves his freedom but why should you have absolutely none. A night off when he is back or a weekend and absolutely push him about the school holidays and the need to parent his own children. Lie about your work commitments if you have to, and yes your MIL can help too if he won't. You should not have to ask or beg but this is what it is. You need some time too, and take it where you can.

Oh yeah I’m sure he is super jealous of the op sat at home with the kids every night 🙄

Why not sometimes?
Nothing wrong with wanting a break

I think men who don't do right by their DC after the relationship with the mother has ended should be forcibly castrated.

Oh op, I hear you. This was my life too. I was blindsided when my two were tiny and xh went off to pursue his glamorous job, complete with affair with a colleague and lots of world travel. It was incredibly hard. He told me that life with me and the dcs was too mundane.

I had to leave my own job to care for the dcs on my own for a while (no family nearby and fledgling friendships as we’d just relocated)

years on, ive built my own career, have some amazing friends and although i don’t want the dcs to realise he’s a nob and have never actively pointed it out, they totally do.

He is the loser long term, not you.

That sounds really hard OP but please don’t be hard on yourself.
You get to be there when they need you for comfort, love and nurturing.
You tuck them into bed at night and read them a story.
You get to know your kids. You are their mumma

*You get to be there when they need you for comfort, love and nurturing.
You tuck them into bed at night and read them a story.
You get to know your kids. You are their mumma. "

I'm sure OP knows that by now, every second of every day. Perhaps she would like to also have some kind of autonomy in her life as well as being 'mumma' .

Honestly, do you trust him with your kids? Do you want the possibility of him settling abroad and having them part of the time?

If you want him more involved, I would ban visits until he agrees to a regular weekend schedule

Not to sound like a dick but I like being a single mum now 😭, no man to factor in, so I would just block and ignore him, and have a relative facilitate his visits with the kids when he feels so inclined

That way, you dont need to see him and feel reminded of what you dont have xx

I understand your annoyance but he isn't gallivanting. He's working.

DH and DD both travel a lot for their jobs. They fly business class or first, eat in nice restaurants with clients and stay in fancy hotels. It all looks very glamorous but it's not an easy life - jet lag, broken sleep, late nights and early starts, constantly having to look smart and make connections and constant small talk whilst maintaining a high standard of work. They miss out on special events with family and friends and just having a normal social life. Their work/life balance is way out of whack when they travel.

When I was younger I was often seconded to other branches of my business for a week or two at a time. At first staying in a nice hotel and having dinner cooked for me every night was a thrill but the novelty wore off and I was delighted to get home and have a boiled egg or beans on toast whilst watching tv in my pjs.

You sound like a wonderful mum. Treasure your time with your DC. All too soon they will be gone.

Could you take a couple of sick days when your dc are in school and once you’ve dropped them off go home, snuggle on the sofa and watch some films? Or go to a local cafe for a long coffee and read a book?
I completely understand feeling overwhelmed and tired by the constant feeling of being responsible for everything for everyone.