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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Can I take you out for a meal"?

318 replies

RachelTopliss · 22/09/2025 20:16

Would you find this odd? It sounds like it's come from the 70s. What's a meal anyway? It sounds creepy. Lunch or dinner maybe yes but a meal?

I said I was busy.

OP posts:
siucra · 23/09/2025 06:09

the only issue is the word ‘can’.

borntobequiet · 23/09/2025 06:10

PoshestPaws · 23/09/2025 03:19

I used to think I was strange for having such strong responses to words, then I came across Helen Walsh and her “shovel list” in Marian Keyes books.

I know it’s just a character in a book but I have never identified with anyone so much 😂.

It’s not like the character materialised out of nowhere, MK has said she based Helen on herself and other people, she has written a few books (some autobiographies) with similar strong aversions to words and phrases.

I now use the term “evening food” rather than saying “meal” or “dinner” l think it’s an excellent alternative.

If someone I liked asked me out using those words OP I’d probably gently tease them about it in case it was due to nerves. If they laugh along and see your point then it’s a bonus.

I had similar with an ex who said on our first date that he needed a drink because he was “completely parched”.
There was nothing really wrong with the statement and really it showed he had a good vocabulary, it just gave me the ick for no reason. I told him he sounded like my Nan when she wanted a cup of tea. We laughed about it for years and it became a running joke, I think sometimes these things are a good test because I find someone sensitive to criticism isn’t a good partner.

“Evening food”?

That does sound strange.

NorthernLass2025 · 23/09/2025 06:10

Jeeeeeeez I would jump at the chance someone taking me out for a meal clearly means they've got the bill to lol

ruffler45 · 23/09/2025 06:12

Perhaps you should tell us what words he should have used to ask you out?

Shellyash · 23/09/2025 06:15

Guessing you are single? Sounds like you will be for a while. If that annoys you then I'm sure everyone and everything annoys you.

OllyBJolly · 23/09/2025 06:43

I think it's quite a clever way to ask the question and avoid any misunderstanding!

My Aberdeenshire family have dinner mid day and supper in the evening.
In the west of Scotland I have dinner mid day and tea in the evening
Coronation Street characters would talk about "this dinner time" meaning day time.
The rest of the world seems to have lunch at mid day and dinner at night.

Also "Take you" suggests he's paying. Whereas, @BustyLaRoux 's dad seems to be suggesting she's dropped in to scrounge a dinner! Is your dad from Edinburgh by any chance? (Glasgow joke! 😝)

ThatCyanCat · 23/09/2025 06:56

It wouldn't have bothered you if you fancied him.

BustyLaRoux · 23/09/2025 06:59

No @OllyBJolly he isn’t from anywhere near Edinburgh! He quite likes us to stay for dinner and doesn’t think of it as a scrounging. He is autistic and can have an odd way of phrasing things. My brother usually responds to “do you want feeding?” With “yes please, if you could just put a trough down for me, I’ll feed myself down there!”

I can’t put my finger on “can I have you for a meal?” would also bother me like the OP. There’s something distinctly unromantic about being taken “for a meal” as opposed to being taken “to dinner”. Gives me the ick but I couldn’t explain it. Maybe that’s the thing with getting the ick. It has no real rhyme or reason!

Renoonabudget · 23/09/2025 07:02

I'd probably let it go unless there was something else about him that gave me the ick, or I just didn't like him that way.

Bringmeahigherlove · 23/09/2025 07:02

You’re being very sensitive. Someone offered to take you out for lunch or dinner and probably pay for it….and you’re offended? Sigh.

AliceMaforethought · 23/09/2025 07:15

You're weird, OP. Really weird.

FemWoman · 23/09/2025 07:27

Lucky chap that you refused. It is really nice when so early on people know they are not for each other.

ruffler45 · 23/09/2025 07:31

Cant imagine he will ask again...

Bloozie · 23/09/2025 07:37

Sometimes I feel sorry for the men. Only sometimes.

This is one of those times.

Atsocta · 23/09/2025 07:39

Think someone has had a lucky escape and it’s not you ….

TwinklyWrinkly · 23/09/2025 07:41

I'd absolutely hate to be a man in this day and age. He was trying to be gentlemanly and let you control the intensity. If he had asked you to dinner you'd have been complaining he was obviously trying to get you into bed. What a sleaze. If he asked you to lunch, he obviously isn't that interested. Waste of space. If he asked you for coffee, he's obviously a cheapskate. What a tightwad.
What exactly would have been acceptable wording for you?

CurlewKate · 23/09/2025 07:44

Sounds perfectly normal to me. I hate “go out for food”. I might turn that down!

gannett · 23/09/2025 07:45

It's incredible that people talking about their visceral dislike of certain utterly bog-standard words have the gall to use "ICK" of all things to justify it. Talk about words that are like nails on blackboard. You can't stand "meal" but you'll happily say "ick"? Deeply strange.

Thing is all the deep dives into "can I take you out for a meal?" make sense - yes, the phrasing is a bit stilted and formal, no, I'm an independent woman and I don't need to be taken out (though isn't it good of him to ask politely rather than assume either way?). If I was writing a short story I would pore over my phrases and the hidden nuances of every single word like that.

In real life people don't actually pick their words as carefully as that and you need to learn to roll with how the English language is actually used in everyday speech rather than a literature thesis.

niftyfuss · 23/09/2025 07:47

This really made me think of my best friend. She hates the word meal and would've reacted in exactly the same way as you. I'd be fine. ;)

MrsDoubtfire1 · 23/09/2025 07:48

Depends if you like the person. Perhaps you could just meet for coffee and cake or a cuppa and tea cake? It's a start. If they don't appeal to you, move on. And, yes, a meal does sound like the 70s. Nowadays you could ask to meet in a trendy bar for a cocktail or such like. A meal and them paying is quite in at the deep end. I wouldn't fancy that at my age until it was well into a few weeks/month of knowing and socialising with them.

KnitKnitKnitting · 23/09/2025 07:51

“What’s a meal anyway?”

Really?

OP I will forever defend your right to turn down any date, you don’t need a reason, if it feels icky it feels icky.

But I feel certain you know what a meal is 😂

Plastictreees · 23/09/2025 07:52

BustyLaRoux · 23/09/2025 06:59

No @OllyBJolly he isn’t from anywhere near Edinburgh! He quite likes us to stay for dinner and doesn’t think of it as a scrounging. He is autistic and can have an odd way of phrasing things. My brother usually responds to “do you want feeding?” With “yes please, if you could just put a trough down for me, I’ll feed myself down there!”

I can’t put my finger on “can I have you for a meal?” would also bother me like the OP. There’s something distinctly unromantic about being taken “for a meal” as opposed to being taken “to dinner”. Gives me the ick but I couldn’t explain it. Maybe that’s the thing with getting the ick. It has no real rhyme or reason!

Exactly this.

I feel the same about a ‘bite to eat’.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 23/09/2025 07:56

PoshestPaws · 23/09/2025 03:19

I used to think I was strange for having such strong responses to words, then I came across Helen Walsh and her “shovel list” in Marian Keyes books.

I know it’s just a character in a book but I have never identified with anyone so much 😂.

It’s not like the character materialised out of nowhere, MK has said she based Helen on herself and other people, she has written a few books (some autobiographies) with similar strong aversions to words and phrases.

I now use the term “evening food” rather than saying “meal” or “dinner” l think it’s an excellent alternative.

If someone I liked asked me out using those words OP I’d probably gently tease them about it in case it was due to nerves. If they laugh along and see your point then it’s a bonus.

I had similar with an ex who said on our first date that he needed a drink because he was “completely parched”.
There was nothing really wrong with the statement and really it showed he had a good vocabulary, it just gave me the ick for no reason. I told him he sounded like my Nan when she wanted a cup of tea. We laughed about it for years and it became a running joke, I think sometimes these things are a good test because I find someone sensitive to criticism isn’t a good partner.

Made me laugh. I suppose nowadays someone might say: I am dehydrated! Parched sounds much more quaint but I would be looking to see if he had a corduroy tie and white socks and sandals. That would be the defining factor for me.

Lambington · 23/09/2025 08:00

Yes - what you think and did is odd.
Sounds like the other person dodged a bullet.

youalright · 23/09/2025 08:08

123dontcomeatme · 22/09/2025 21:03

Op, I agree with you.

I think it's quite old fashioned language that is dated. Depending on your ages it would weird me out even more.

No one under 40 talks like that, but then I also get the ick when men talk about enjoying watching box sets like it's 2002.

Old , stuck in the past and I take as a sign we are not a match.

Im under 40 and talk like that i often say to my partner do you want to go out for a meal this weekend.