Invited to an event, but one person is excluded

[Mondayblues2]

I am being deliberately vague here.

i am part of a friendship group, there are 6 of us. For some time, one of the group, let’s call her Ann, has ruffled feathers by causing issues with social arrangements, blatant freeloading, being difficult with hospitality staff when we’re out, sometimes insisting on bringing her toddler along, and last week said something very antagonist to a fellow member of our group, and I’m amazed an argument didn’t break out. She’s become a real pain.

Another member of the group is planning a further gathering, and has been clear she’s had her fill of Ann, and does not want to invite her. I can understand why, even though it feels mean.

I would like to attend this event, but DH thinks I shouldn’t take sides, and shouldn’t be going along unless Ann is invited. I feel whichever decision I make, I am taking one side or another, and I’m as hacked off with Ann as everyone else and don’t feel sympathetic enough to miss out on the event, to show solidarity. Is there a right thing to do?

Ann has had plenty of opportunity to adjust her behaviour and chosen not to. I'd have no qualms with going to the event, and would enjoy it more with her being absent.

Your DH is agitating for you to boycott the event because a major pain in the arse won’t be there?
What’s it got to do with him?

Why does your DH

a) think you should all just put up and shut up when someone is behaving the way Ann has behaved?

And

b) think his opinion on the issue is in any way relevant?

Of course you can go out without Ann she's had plenty of chances and the evening sounds like it would be more enjoyable without her attendance.

What is the relationship? Family is complicated. Just friends? She needs to be told. Anyone assertive amongst you?

Is Ann aware your group members are annoyed with her or has there only been discussions behind her back. She should really be given the opportunity to mend her ways before being excluded. I think I'd raise it with group saying youre not comfortable with Ann being left out. I wouldn't not attend but I would be making my feelings clear beforehand.

Has anyone spoken to Ann nicely and clearly to explain the ruffles she’s causing, and why, and their effects?

It requires a proper diplomatic approach though, and agreement from all the others that it should be attempted.

I think going would be a good idea. It sounds like your other friends have had enough and if you side with Ann, it might be like staying on a sinking ship.

if you feel you’re going to get it in the neck from Ann for going then she’s not a great friend

Exactly this. Ann might be a bit of a twat but I feel bad for her.

It’s got nothing to do with him! He knows she’s a real pain but thinks I’m being mean and this has thrown me a bit. He thinks I shouldn’t take sides, but I either go or don’t go, and either course of action means I’m taking one side or another!

Is your husband invited? If so, he can make his own choice. If not, he can belt up, it's none of his business. I'd go.

I think going would be a good idea. It sounds like your other friends have had enough and if you side with Ann, it might be like staying on a sinking ship.

This sums it up perfectly, thank you @UnhappyHobbit

Hang on - turning down an invitation from a third party unless Ann comes is taking sides. Not you minding your own business and accepting/declining per your own life circumstances! Your DH has it upside down. You’d be creating sides by making this revolve around Ann’s inclusions (especially given you’re happy to exclude her!).

Does Ann know about the event?

If not, I think you should tell her and tell her why she's not invited. You can tell her you feel awkward but felt she should know.

I wouldn't get involved in secrets.

Ann does not know about the event

By not going unless Ann does basically says you agree with her behaviour and that she's in the right

You all need to talk to her about her behaviour like the adults you are, though, rather than just silently excluding her. That’s quite juvenile.

If you've also had enough of Ann then I see no good reason why you should refuse to go out because your other friend hasn't invited her. If you don't go you might find yourself left out in future. If Ann finds out and asks you why I hope you can be brave and tell her kindly but honestly, it won't be an easy task but if she's so difficult she's going to find herself with no friends at this rate

Ann probably already knows her behaviour isn't acceptable and the fact she deliberately said something to antagonise another member of the group strongly suggests speaking to her won't do anything to resolve the issue.

In all honesty if she’s pissing you off too then carry on with the others, otherwise you’ll find yourself cut out too of what is a good friendship and you’ll be seeing a whole lot more of Ann! If Ann asks the perhaps tell her that her behaviour has people’s backs up - she can suck it up or do something f about her dreadful ways IMO

Go out with your friends, and your DH can take Ann out

It’s not your event and you are not choosing who to invite. Get involved would mean you were involved in the decision making. You are not being rude to Ann or causing trouble your just attending an event

Ann, has ruffled feathers by causing issues with social arrangements

• blatant freeloading

Is there a difference in income between you all? Who decides where you go and what you do? What does Ann do?

• being difficult with hospitality staff when we’re out

What does she do? Is she objectively difficult, or does she just make requests that you wouldn't?

• sometimes insisting on bringing her toddler along

Does she have alternative childcare? Does she give an explanation? Have you been clear that it's adult only?

• last week said something very antagonist to a fellow member of our group

Again, is it completely outrageous, or just not the popular opinion?

I think it's worth working out if she's completely unreasonable, or just not in sync with the rest of you.

I don’t want to give specific examples as it’s too outing. But she exhibits CF behaviour on a very regular basis. Is she out of sync with the rest of us? Yes, she is

Had nobody challenged her on any of it? She must be aware that she’s getting on people’s nerves?

She has been challenged several times but the penny hasn’t dropped