Invited to an event, but one person is excluded

[Mondayblues2]

I am being deliberately vague here.

i am part of a friendship group, there are 6 of us. For some time, one of the group, let’s call her Ann, has ruffled feathers by causing issues with social arrangements, blatant freeloading, being difficult with hospitality staff when we’re out, sometimes insisting on bringing her toddler along, and last week said something very antagonist to a fellow member of our group, and I’m amazed an argument didn’t break out. She’s become a real pain.

Another member of the group is planning a further gathering, and has been clear she’s had her fill of Ann, and does not want to invite her. I can understand why, even though it feels mean.

I would like to attend this event, but DH thinks I shouldn’t take sides, and shouldn’t be going along unless Ann is invited. I feel whichever decision I make, I am taking one side or another, and I’m as hacked off with Ann as everyone else and don’t feel sympathetic enough to miss out on the event, to show solidarity. Is there a right thing to do?

Ann has repeatedly pissed people off with her CF behaviour. She should just be dropped. Your DH is a lunatic.

Boycotting the event unless Ann can attend is taking sides. Your DH should wind his neck in.

If you really want Ann to continue to be a part of the group in the future, one of you needs to talk to her about what the problem is.

This. Has anyone actually spoken to Ann about her behaviour and the effect it has on the group?

She sounds a PITA. A friend of mine would always freeload - oh she’d forgotten her wallet when cinema tickets needed paying…she had to change baby’s nappy when cafe bill had to be settled “oh just pay for me & I’ll pay you back”, which she never did. In other ways she could be truly lovely - but when she did her usual cafe-dodge trick when I was on mat leave and my husband had just lost his job - that’s when I fizzled out. Sometimes I regret it/miss her, but it’s also a self-respect thing

This! You’re accepting an event, so it’s pretty straightforward I reckon.

Snort. Your DH appears to think adult social invitations work like birthday party rules for six year olds — either the whole class is invited, or less than half.

The great thing about adult friendships is that they’re voluntary. Yiu never need to spend time with people you don’t like, or who behave badly.

I would remain neutral and go to the event. Stay out of their argument.

I would be really suspicious about your husband behaviour. How very strange that the is the only person that supports her! Be on the lookout!

And this is why people get away with things today. There is no way a big grown adult woman isn’t aware. She is, she just doesn’t care. Stop babying people, they don’t deserve it.

I would go and just stay out of it. It really is her problem.

That’s so true as well.

If you’re not careful, your DH’s advice could get you excluded from the group.

Even strangers on the internet can see this, so I’m perplexed as to why your DH doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

It's fine to 'take sides' against CFery.

That is so true for six year olds, but it doesn't work so well for adults! This is the phrase I will use if the issue gets mentioned again

What does she say when she's been challenged?

It’s not up to you to issue ultimatums to another host, if you want to go, then go, if not don’t, it’s that simple. If Ann has an issue she can take it up with the host, you don’t have to get involved.

Tell your DH it’s none of his business.

You’re not teenagers and don’t have to always hang around together! I can’t imagine having such a restrictive social situation. I have a friend group which usually means we all meet up together… sometimes one or other of us can’t make it, sometimes smaller sub groups meet up because of the time or type of event, there’s no drama. It’s not your event and you don’t control the guest list. In any other situation would you say ‘I can’t go unless you invite this specific friend?’ If not, then just go and enjoy yourself. It’s up to your inviting friend to explain to Ann why she didn’t ask her and if Ann finds out direct her there.

Well I wouldn’t be part of a “shunning” but if it’s a dinner and the host hasn’t invited her then that’s none of your business.
Invite her when it’s your turn to host. If it’s a club or hobby group then meeting up without all the members is weird.