Invited to an event, but one person is excluded

[Mondayblues2]

I am being deliberately vague here.

i am part of a friendship group, there are 6 of us. For some time, one of the group, let’s call her Ann, has ruffled feathers by causing issues with social arrangements, blatant freeloading, being difficult with hospitality staff when we’re out, sometimes insisting on bringing her toddler along, and last week said something very antagonist to a fellow member of our group, and I’m amazed an argument didn’t break out. She’s become a real pain.

Another member of the group is planning a further gathering, and has been clear she’s had her fill of Ann, and does not want to invite her. I can understand why, even though it feels mean.

I would like to attend this event, but DH thinks I shouldn’t take sides, and shouldn’t be going along unless Ann is invited. I feel whichever decision I make, I am taking one side or another, and I’m as hacked off with Ann as everyone else and don’t feel sympathetic enough to miss out on the event, to show solidarity. Is there a right thing to do?

I am not sure that Ann will know - I have seen some really bad acting out by people who are amazed when confronted about it. Either way, unless it is directly addressed with Ann, I do think its a bit unfair and immature, however hard the conversation is. But since this is not OPs event, I dont think it is her place to have that conversation.

Has anyone talked to Ann about her behaviour? I know it feels like it should be obvious and she should know what she’s doing but maybe she doesn’t.

I think if it’s got to the point when Ann is pissing enough people off to be left out, someone might as well be honest and tell her why.

Either way, go to the event. Don't screw your own social life for a cheeky fucker who probably wouldn’t do the same for you.

How come? Unless she’s incredibly thick??

Go

You haven't issued/not issued the invitation. Another friend has invited you to which you decide whether you go or not. It isn't for you to respond I will only come if you invite Ann or Uncle Tom Cobley. Your DH is a weird to get involved (or shagging Ann 🤪🤣) - take your pick!

You should definitely go - otherwise it looks like you’re siding with Ann and support her behaviour. If it’s been pointed out and she’s chosen to ignore then it’s on her. Life is too short for friends like this.

Your DH shouldn’t be getting involved. Though I can imagine my DH saying something similar. Such a people pleaser..

This. You’ve been invited, whether someone else has or has not been invited is not your battle.

You say people.have challenged her but the penny hasn't dropped.

The penny shouldn't have to drop. You need to be clear with her.

I'm a bit torn on this because I absolutely don't think you should include someone who no one wants there.

But equally, I think you need to be honest with her and tell her why she isn't being invited rather than just plan to go somewhere without her.

Your all need to be honest with yourselves and take responsibility for your decisions. What's the plan otherwise? Just ignore her?

ETA: I agree that you should go but you're all going to feel shitty about it if she finds out and confronts you about it. And it won't be pretty.

But equally, I think you need to be honest with her and tell her why she isn't being invited rather than just plan to go somewhere without her.

But how likely/realistic is it for 5 of us to sit down with her and explain all this? It just wouldn’t happen in real life

Wouldn’t happen in real life? Can you possibly be serious?

I don’t think it’s taking sides as you may not have known she wasn’t invited.

The friend who had arranged it may get the brunt of Anne and then them falling out could cause the rest of you issues but you all just say you’re staying out of it.

Go to the event. You haven't excluded Ann, you are simply going to an event that you have been invited to and she has not. You're not responsible for Ann. It's not like you are the one making the arrangements and deciding who goes and who doesn't.

This.

No, I think one person has to do it. The person not inviting her woujld be the obvious person.

Nominate one person to say to her that her behaviour is getting out of hand and she is at real risk of being alienated from the group. That’s better than all organising events without her. Either way, you should go as why should you miss out too.

One person should tell her. Ideally the person who issued the invitation without her.

Your DH is saying you shouldn’t take sides but then immediately suggests you take Ann’s side by not going if Ann isn’t invited?!?!

Did you introduced her to the group and therefore feel more responsible? If not, you are just going to an event you have been invited to. It's not up to you to make changes to who's invited or not.

There is absolutely nothing to stop you all continuing to make plans without her but, when she finally realises and challenges you all on it, you're all going to feel pretty shitty about it because however emboldened you all feel about not tolerating her crappy behaviour, you won't feel very good about your own either.

It's hard when you realise that one member of a friendship group isn't on the same page as the rest of you but she is supposed to be your friend. Deciding you no longer want to include her is absolutely fine but how you go about it is important.

Of course not and she might get a message much quicker after realising that she wasn’t invited to the event.
if she asks why, tell her that you couldn’t risk her bringing her toddler.

By the way tell your DH that he is welcome to invite Ann to his next football game/ darts competition/ cycling session or whatever it is he attends 🙂

You understand and can sympathise with the reasons why Ann is being excluded. If you'd been asked in advance about excluding Ann, you might have said it's only fair to let Ann know about the issues and give her a chance to adjust her behaviour rather than excluding her without an explanation. In your update, though, you say she has been challenged on her behaviour multiple times and has not changed.

As you're simply invited (not involved in the guest list) and have just observed that Ann has been excluded, then your refusing to go because Ann has not been included WOULD be taking sides (Ann's). Your going as you normally would is being neutral, leaving the organizer and Ann to work things out, as they potentially can if they are both open to discussion, reason, and compromise.

It's your decision, but I think that your husband (who I assume is not himself part of this group of friends/invited to go whether or not you go) pressuring you to refuse to go feels really "off". Saying you are "being mean" because you don't want to sacrifice your own and your friends' well being to accommodate Ann's selfishness is in itself mean.

I would ask DH to butt out.

I'm not sure why your DH feels the need to get involved. That's weird.

He wants you siding with Ann which you will be if you don't go.

Just go.

You have been invited, you haven't planned it or deliberately left Ann out.

But in any case, do you all have to do everything together? Surely it's ok to arrange things with individuals and not include the entire group?

Fuck Ann, you say to your DH, everyone’s had enough of her bullshit

Telling Ann is just stirring the pot when she would otherwise be oblivious to this event