Invited to an event, but one person is excluded

[Mondayblues2]

I am being deliberately vague here.

i am part of a friendship group, there are 6 of us. For some time, one of the group, let’s call her Ann, has ruffled feathers by causing issues with social arrangements, blatant freeloading, being difficult with hospitality staff when we’re out, sometimes insisting on bringing her toddler along, and last week said something very antagonist to a fellow member of our group, and I’m amazed an argument didn’t break out. She’s become a real pain.

Another member of the group is planning a further gathering, and has been clear she’s had her fill of Ann, and does not want to invite her. I can understand why, even though it feels mean.

I would like to attend this event, but DH thinks I shouldn’t take sides, and shouldn’t be going along unless Ann is invited. I feel whichever decision I make, I am taking one side or another, and I’m as hacked off with Ann as everyone else and don’t feel sympathetic enough to miss out on the event, to show solidarity. Is there a right thing to do?

First post nails it. If she brings it up you can all mention your grievances.

Go to the event. She brought this on herself, it sounds like.

wow, bit OTT?

I agree with OP, how often do people actually surround each other in a group and have US style interventions 'Ann, this is your final warning, if you don't stop being such a twat you'll be evicted from the group.' Not to mention most people would find it quite intimidating and upsetting to have a group of people all gang up on them and tell them how horrible they are.

In an ideal world one person would have a word with her and warn her that she's pissing people off - but OP has said they've tried that with no success.

Ultimately it's not OP's problem to solve. She's been invited to an event - the person organising determines who is invited. Other guests don't choose who is invited or not. There's no reason for OP to make a stand and cut off her nose to spite her face for someone who a) won't even know she's done so, and b) whom OP doesn't seem to like much anyway.

It's not rocket science - if you behave in an unpleasant way people won't want to spend time with you. Ann shouldn't need that explaining to her. Nobody is owed friendship.

Agree. I wouldn't be impressed with him.

Go. Why should you miss out? Not everyone has to be invited to everything all the time. Ann is her own responsibility not yours.

Only on buttoned-up middle class MN would excluding an absolute pain in the arse dickhead be considered ‘mean’. 🙄

You should definitely go.

You’re taking sides either way, but I wouldn’t want to throw in my lot with the CF who’s rude to people.

I don’t understand why your DH put his oar in! Does he have a vested interest in you not going out that day?

What’s the long term goal here? Is Ann being phased out completely or is this a one off?
Are you happy to continue the group without her?
Are you all prepared to deal with the confrontation?

I expect Ann is going to be hurt.

In these situations be honest with yourself, if you don't like spending time with Anne then take the invitation and enjoy yourself. Anne is an adult responsible for herself and her behaviour is the cause of this exclusion, she's not a child unaware of the ways of the world.

Thank you everyone who has posted supportive comments, I really expected to be panned!

if, as @TomatoSandwiches suggests, I am honest to myself, then I feel it would be a relief to attend an Ann-free event. There’s no long term plan here, but as a one-off it would be nice.

It's the OP's husband who used the word "mean", prompting her to post in the first place. He might be on MumsNet, but as the OP hasn't specifically said that he is this claim seems a bit far fetched.

Your husband is completely wet.

If you take your husband out of the equation, imagine he never said anything on the subject at all, would you have been considering skipping this event because Ann wasn't invited, or would you have chosen to go to the event and sod Ann? It's not up to your husband (do I understand it right that he wouldn't be going to this event whatever?)

When something similar came up in my family, I made the choice to attend the party that one uncle and aunt weren't invited to (there were reasons - he's been refusing to speak to the birthday relative for 6 years over something twatty, making no effort with other members of the family, either not committing to times to meet up or cancelling at the eleventh hour and that's everyone else's fault somehow. Meanwhile, as they're messing about the rest of us, they're making a big fuss of my cousin's soon to be ex husband and not supporting her at all even though STBXH has been an absolute shit.) Without getting too much into more identifying specifics, let's just say that I fully understood the reasons why my cousins chose not to invite these relatives to their parents' joint 70th.

You are right in that whatever you do, you are picking a team.

So go.

With people like this who are so thick skinned and self absorbed, hints dont work. First they need to miss out on something and then ask why they were left out. Thats when you have to don the hard hat and be honest "Ann, we are sick of you taking the piss over not always paying your share and freeloading. We dont want to have child free evenings organised and then you bring your toddler when the rest of us have arranged sitters. To be honest, we are just fed up with how you speak and act on these outings so didnt want you there".

She will either reflect on it, apologise and all will be well (not likely) or blow a gasket, lose her shit in an epic fashion and not speak to any of you ever again (99.9% certainty).

Not going is taking Anne's side though, isn't it?

I completely agree with this approach. It's fine (not mean) to attend the Ann-free event, but someone needs to be the friend who is honest enough to tell Ann why.

Your husband's logic is faulty.

"either course of action means I’m taking one side or another!"

this is relatively straight forward really @Mondayblues2 you have the courage of your convictions and you go to your "Ann" free evening.

If challenged, by "Ann" (because she will find out) then, at least, please, be honest with her.

This!

I wasn’t sure which was yabu or yanbu. I voted yabu, in that you should just go as Ann is a CF and everyone has probably had enough, but equally yanbu to not worry about it and go. Iyswim. 😬

Personally I think it's great that your husband is volunteering to chat to Ann about her behaviour - he will be staging a CF intervention, right?

Yes you’re right. Have re-read. I take it back.

Odd thing for a bloke to stick his oar in about.

Odd thing for a bloke to stick his oar in about.

Sometimes his 'keep the peace at all costs' strategies can backfire

It's not your event and the invite list isn't up to you. Would ann miss an event because you weren't invited ?

“WAIT! Let her finish her orgasm”

The scene with Muriel slurping her dregs of drink through a straw is how we I imagine Ann being told to leave the group.
I can just imagine it’s because she’s not maaaad enough to dress like a fruit bowl.

Are you married AND beautiful?!

Being happy to be on good terms is fine, keeping the peace at all costs makes the takers in life see you as an easy target. Stand up for yourself, go out without Ann and show your DH how it's done 😀