DD and boyfriend are wasting their lives

[FiddIedeedee]

DD 27 and her boyfriend (also 27) are proper home bodies. All they seem to do in their free time is go for country walks with their dogs, meals out or Sunday markets 😂

When I was in my 20s I was partying, clubbing and getting up to all sorts, I fear they are wasting their youth!

Last weekend they baked cookies and went on a long country walk with the dogs with a pub lunch. DD spends a lot of time reading and crocheting bits here and there. The boyfriend has started furniture restoration as a hobby. They’re like an old couple honestly!

DD got annoyed with me because I said to them they need to be out enjoying their 20s (and soon 30s) and not acting like a couple in their 60s. DP says leave them be but I just don’t want them to regret not living life to the full. You’re a long time old as they say.

AIBU?

....much as I hate the countryside and hobbies and walking, I think I'd rather have their twenties than yours.

What DD and her BF do sounds so so nice

I partied in my 20s, rolled home drunk far too many times and spent so much money. I’m quite jealous of your DD that she has found someone who she is comfortable with doing such simple lovely things. We were always looking for something. Sounds like she has found it.

OP, you seem to have a very fixed idea of when people should do things in life. The best travelling I have ever done was with my teen DC when we finally had enough money and they were old enough to appreciate long haul holidays. We were still on tight budgets but we took them to USA and Japan and they loved it. Maybe your DD will travel later in life. Airlines allow people over the age of thirty onto planes you know!

It sounds totally idyllic to me. I wish I could go back and live a life like that in my 20s instead of the awful choices I made and the shallow values I had. The world is a pretty awful place and to be able to live with such calm among the chaos seems a pretty genius move to me.

I see your point. I think this is what is so interesting about this thread because I believe that you can potentially isolated in quite a wholesome way as well as the smoking spliffs in the bedroom way.

I actually love crafting and nature myself but I also know it is a way to avoid real life/people/challenging myself. And challenging myself is when I’ve found the biggest rewards and personal growth. That’s not to say it has to involve being a white saviour in Africa or climbing 30 Munros - but actually volunteering in the community/ taking a risk with a work project etc brings so many more rewards and challenges ultimately than endlessly sewing cushions (which is my displacement activity when I’m stressed 😆).

My son is more like this than me and will always take the easy, non threatening option rather than push himself - socially/academically/new interests he has expressed curiosity about that pass him by because he’s deeply in his comfort zone.

On a more basic level - getting drunk and sharing with friends on a vulnerable level massively enriched my life and relationships - I know that’s not for everyone but I do think this generation of so many surrendered wives (endless ones on instagram) homesteading and making chutney to the exclusion of everything else has created this environment.

I know plenty of people will disagree with me but I’m just putting a different perspective out there. I do think the op has not done herself any favours in the way she has presented this. I guess I’m just musing on the value of a bit of balance.

They're both going out to work. Their planned holiday is walking in the Peak District. They're not isolated.

It’s very easy to remain isolated at work. And they are going to the Peak District together to do their usual activity - just in a different place. Probably totally fine. Maybe a bit codependent and avoidant. We simply don’t know but there is value in discussing it.

i have a son who may look wholesome but I know is avoidant. And it doesn’t make him happy. If he found a partner to be avoidant with he would never take any risks again - personally or professionally. He is Nd so I am hugely supportive but I do challenge him to try new things - on the occasions he does I can see he is proud and enriched (and sometimes it’s too much and that’s also ok - at least he knows).

my parents are at an age where partners (usually the men) are dying and there are so many lonely women of that generation who are now cut adrift. My dad has rampant adhd and is always super busy with his own projects - my mum has had to develop her own interests - some wholesome like this, some a bit more challenging but she’s done them on her own and I am super proud of her and know she will be ok if and when he dies.

I have some questions...
What was she doing between the ages of 18 and 27? Did she do different things then?
And I can't remember if I actually asked this before or just in my head but do they have ambitions, hopes, dreams? Are they working towards these goals?

No, we don't know. I don't think they sound isolated to me. Their lives involve interactions.
They sound happy.
I'd just let them be.

Reminds me of AbFab! Eddie and Saffy 😉

I think it’s good that your DD and her BF know who they are and are not pressured into doing things they don’t want to do. They sound happy.

I don’t really look back at my 20s with any fondness, I partied too much and I didn’t really enjoy it that much. It was just expected at that time and where I grew up.

Well tbf you don’t know that either. TBH I’m musing on the bigger picture.

No, I never claimed to. Only that - in my opinion - they don't seem isolated.
I think the OP has the issues, not the daughter.
In my opinion.

I think I’d rather make chutney than get drunk. There are a lot of successful Youtube channels with the calm living, being at one with nature type lifestyles. These are young people not seniors. People don’t really want the getting drunk and falling out of clubs lifestyle anymore (outside uni). My son says it’s far too expensive now to go to a club and no one buys rounds, they cost too much.

Having said that I do agree that the op should let them be. Her interventions do not sound like they are going to be supportive and will potentially be laden with judgement.

I can kind of see where OP is coming from. Granted it was different when we were growing up and that was more of the culture we were in. But they’re 27 and could be taking advantage of having no responsibilities or restrictions. Once you get a mortgage and have children things become exponentially more difficult and more expensive. I think I’d want my kids to be exploring more at that point in life. Find things they feel passionate about, learn about different cultures and then if they want to be homebody’s great they’ve made an informed choice.
My nephew and his girlfriend are like OPs daughter and I genuinely find them quite dull and closed minded. Perfectly pleasant but they’re not particularly passionate about anything. They live a nice life doing nice things in a nice place, and for them that’s enough.

Absolutely - I’m using that example for balance (I didn’t enjoy it either but I’m using it as a metaphor for doing things occasionally outside of our comfort zone - if you don’t experience something you won’t know).

I do think there is a big problem with the curated instagram feeds of (usually always) women playing the homesteader. They are often privileged to have family money or a partner who earns enough for them not to have to work (or just be content creators and influencers) which is unattainable to most and can induce huge guilt in those not managing to dedicate a day to wearing gorgeous hand knitted clothes, foraging in hedgerows and making cakes with the spoils. I love them in my feed because I love the aesthetic but I do worry for younger women.

I say all of this as a mother to a 19yr old ds who would rather poke out his eyeballs than go clubbing (currently on freshers week) and that’s totally fine! I am still encouraging him to get out and about and find what he does like rather than leaning into total familiarity and comfort.

Sounds a pretty ideal relationship to me - I'd love that! They're still plenty young enough to travel and everything else if they want to, but if they don't, what does it matter to you? Life is exhausting for young people - long hours at uninspiring jobs, poor wages, etc. If they just want a quiet life at weekends, that's no bad thing. Everyone's different and if she's happy, you should be happy for her.

Butt out and stop reliving your prime through your daughter.

This is just about personality differences surely?

I'm the same age as your daughter and sound very similar (though I'm a SAHM to two preschool age children) - I've never gone out drinking, I like being at home or local days out for walks/museums/historical places, I cross stitch in the evenings, UK holidays. This is what I always wanted - to settle down, have stability. Some people would hate my life, some people would want it. Neither is right or wrong?

@Anonymous07200408
find what he does like rather than leaning into total familiarity and comfort

It’s this ^
Nothing to do with clubbing specifically, it’s that they’re not pushing themselves beyond comfy at all.

Yeah, my dd and bf cook, garden, go to markets, have board game nights. If they go out itswith friends to local bars for beers. They do travel a lot though and she's partial to a festival. They are happy though.

But again, you don’t have to make yourself uncomfortable to have a good life.

How do you know?
Plus, how is this judged?

What Is so great about drinking alcohol and going clubbing, where it’s so loud you can’t have a proper conversation so the whole purpose is to drink more alcohol, dance and have “crazy antics” revolving around doing stupid shit because you’re drink, getting some guy’s attention (usually meaning sex).

I hated clubbing when I was young and was so relieved when I got old enough it was socially acceptable to not like clubbing.

Be proud of your daughter that she wants something more out of life than drinking and clubbing.

But would you honestly find them more interesting if they were passionate about getting drunk and clubbing??

I wouldn’t. There’s nothing worse than having to listen to the “hilarious” weekend stories of people who go out clubbing.

Currently at work and the 30 year olds are talking about how they went out and hid salt shakers in one friend’s purse…. Neither interesting or amusing to sober people not there.