To think that this was uncalled for?

[CarrotCrusader]

In my most recent appraisal, my manager told me that a person at my level (junior management) shouldn't be joining in with office banter as much as I do, especially as those people I 'banter with' are on a lower level than I am.

I am naturally friendly and do have conversations with colleagues and I feel that my colleagues respect me and find me approachable because of that.

He also went on about my bubbliness. I am friendly and get on with people. He feels this may be restricting me apparently. It's just my personality though! He wants me to bring my whole self to work. If I brought my whole self to work, I'd be telling colleagues that they're fucking me off no end.

I work very hard, to the detriment of my health at times and hit deadlines and targets without any problems.

What he said hit me like a brick to be honest and I've been really upset over the weekend at what basically feels like an attack on my personality. Is he right though?

Someone’s complained about you.

All our team leaders join in with banter so I don't see what's wrong with that

Some people like to put people in their place. As long as you are not being unprofessional, don't worry about it.

1. It's never a healthy thing to repress your personality, so continue to be who you actually are (and imho bubbly = positive and a very welcome thing) BUT...
2. yes, there is a down side to being too familiar with those working either under your management or at a lower ranked position - which is individuals taking this as a signal that it's OK to slack off a bit, slag off people/the company/organisation etc. Plus there are occasional sleazeballs who will take familiarity as some kind of a 'come on'.

I've noticed that offices have become sterile banter free zones. I think its a mix of wfh so you dont need to see your colleagues daily and fear of upsetting someone!

A certain level.of banter is healthy, id ask for a further chat with manager to drill down further what do they really mean

I think it’s uncalled for.

but then, I am clouded by experience of bad managers that like knocking likeable staff down a peg or two.

Op, as long as you are not saying anything unprofessional or crude, I don’t think it’s a big deal. I would keep an eye on workplace toxicity though, if I were you. Don’t stop being yourself.

I find the more friendly/popular you are the less management like it. I don't know why, but if I worked with a supervisor who was friendly and would muck in you would have more respect for them than someone who is so corporate they think they are better than you.

Depends what you say.

personally I’m of the building relationships and joining in with banter is good point of view but some banter can upset people.

Depends on the banter. If you are over familiar it can cause some staff to slack off

I think it's really hard for anyone on here to say whether it's called for or not. Different offices/organisations have different cultures and "banter" means different things to different people.

If you are having to line manage or direct/supervise other people then there are definitely some types of "banter" that could be inappropriate or blur boundaries. And bear in mind that often people don't know when their banter is inappropriate. I don't think that necessarily means you have to stop being bubbly though.

Could you have another chat with your manager and ask them which things specifically they feel you need to stop and why. Could they give you examples that they felt were inappropriate.

Is he concerned about the type of " banter" in the office and that rather than you encouraging it you should be toning it down?
If you are a "bubbly " person perhaps you are not the best judge of what is acceptable banter.
What is just good fun to you may be upsetting to other staff and perhaps his concern is that as part of the management team you should be seeing that but you are not.

I just like to add that I'm retired now and when I think back to how I worried about work and how some people can be nasty and clicky, well it seems now what a waste of energy. Just do your job get your wages and eff everything else. Ignore all the downers and just be you.

I think there is a fine line between banter and crossing professional boundaries.

What kind of banter is it? Is it risqué or 'edgy', e.g. sexual innuendoes, mock insults etc? That is, anything that might veer into unprofessional territory? If so, the comment may be valid.

In any event, your options are to ignore the feedback; to tone things down a bit, or possibly look for another role with a manager who understands you better.

I would try to take a critical look at the bantering and consider how it might be perceived by others, and probably go for the 'tone it down a bit' approach rather than completely changing your work persona.

If your manager is calling you out on something it’s a warning. You need to take action. Either someone has complained about you or people are talking negatively about you. There’s a difference between banter and genuine interest in others. Your colleagues may not respect you as much as you think if you are trying to be on their level.

Sounds very much like someone in your team has said something and isn't happy with the banter. Your manager is perhaps trying to bring it up as a performance improvement point rather than a informal complaint.

Given that its in your appraisal I wouldn't be too quick to wave it away. At best if unchecked could hamper your progression. At worst it could be a first step towards a Performance Improvement Plan if unresolved.

You need to have a serious think about if the culture of the company is for you if it doesn't fit your personality or if maybe there is some room for change in how you interact with other employees. Only you will know the answer to that.

Also, it's good to remember that just because you're offended doesn't make it not true. Not everyone really likes banter, especially with the manager because there is a power imbalance.

It really depends on what you're actually saying, and also how 'bubbly' you are when others really need to get on with their job. We all have to adapt a bit at times, and realise that we're not the centre of things. It also sounds like your manager has approached you in an appropriate and respectful manner.

Seriously, I'd take the comment on board as it could determine your future with this company. There is a fine line between a bit of banter and being over familiar - its not as easy to earn respect as someone's manager if the chat is a bit personal. The further you go up the greasy pole, the harder it becomes to be bezzy mates with those in your team and you've had a very mild warning that might make you rethink your career path. I like bubbly and cheerful btw!

WTF does “bring your whole self to work” mean? Do you usually leave your left leg at home???

The banter may have got too unprofessional for his liking, but if he says bollocks like the above, and uses it as a measurement for your appraisal, he needs to explain it in ways that set out an achievable target.

I would ask for some clarification in writing on those points.

Email him that you’ve had time over the weekend to think about your appraisal and want to make sure you improve, so can he please clarify what he means by:

A) be less bubbly
B) bring your whole self to work

And if he comes back with more douche-bag, workplace cliches, then ask him again to clarify and loop in HR.

Say you don’t want to come across badly, but what does the business mean when it asks staff to “bring their whole self to work”? And how will that be measured going forward? As you bring every body part with you everyday, you’re not sure how you’re not meeting that criteria.

I want to know how my bubbliness and friendliness with junior colleagues is actually affecting my performance

Friendliness is fine. However as a manager it is very difficult to be friends with everybody when you are responsible for rules and discipline. As you become management you aren't just one of the team anymore however much you might try, maybe your manager is trying to point this out.

I agree with others, ask for examples so you can better understand what he's trying to tell you because you can still be authentic and a manager!

I guess the question you should be asking is ‘Are they a good manager & do you trust their opinion?’ You’re achieving your targets but are your team achieving theirs?

Maybe they just have a different management style. Maybe they’re jealous that you are more likeable and can still get the job done.

Do a bit of reading on management styles and potential issues with the being overly friendly approach, so you can ensure you are not going to far. But on the whole I would discount any advice given by someone who says something as wanky as ‘bring your whole self to work’.

Yes, like the episode of friends where Chandler is promoted and Phoebe has to explain how his colleagues really feel.

Maybe some people feel excluded, maybe some people feel others get preferential treatment. You need to ask more about this as friendliness is one thing but it can easily cross the line and if someone has raised it as an issue then you need to understand why. No point being defensive about it.

So he told you to be “less bubbly” at the same time as “you need to bring your whole self to work”?

What if your whole self is Mrs Bubbly?