To think that this was uncalled for?

[CarrotCrusader]

In my most recent appraisal, my manager told me that a person at my level (junior management) shouldn't be joining in with office banter as much as I do, especially as those people I 'banter with' are on a lower level than I am.

I am naturally friendly and do have conversations with colleagues and I feel that my colleagues respect me and find me approachable because of that.

He also went on about my bubbliness. I am friendly and get on with people. He feels this may be restricting me apparently. It's just my personality though! He wants me to bring my whole self to work. If I brought my whole self to work, I'd be telling colleagues that they're fucking me off no end.

I work very hard, to the detriment of my health at times and hit deadlines and targets without any problems.

What he said hit me like a brick to be honest and I've been really upset over the weekend at what basically feels like an attack on my personality. Is he right though?

Sexist shit.

Nobody would ever describe a man as 'bubbly'.

What does it even mean? Jovial, happy, light-hearted, silly, girlish, empty headed, does it relate to your appearance? And is it positive or negative?

You should ask him.

So what did he say when you asked him for specific examples of behaviour where he feels you could approach things differently?

I think you've made a mistake.

The right place to ask these questions w I uld have been in your appraisal not on mumsnet.

The proper question to ask would be "why?". Then you might have got.an explanation (for instance) that anything that forms a chat group (banner, smoking room, etc) invariably leaves some people out and divides a team. Even if it doesn't actually it provides the perception that any perk or promotion you give is based on group membership rather than ability.

Then you'd have real feedback rather than the conjecture (and outrage) here.

It would also make you appear interested in the feedback you're getting and invested in improving.

Maybe something to think about for your next appraisal??

Meantime, you can always go back to your manager and say "I've been thinking about our chat and...."

Thank you. Would it be OK to approach this by email do you think?

I think you could open the conversation by email, but a F2F conversation allows you to see body language and let's the discussion flow where it needs to more easily.

I dont know how your manager will react but a good manager would want to be able to talk freely. Emails can always be misconstrued and some things, though they need to be said, benefit from the impermanence of a chat. If someone has said something, maybe unreasonably, for instance, and I'd smoothed it over and then talked to you, I'd want to keep that off the record for your sake.