To think that this was uncalled for?

[CarrotCrusader]

In my most recent appraisal, my manager told me that a person at my level (junior management) shouldn't be joining in with office banter as much as I do, especially as those people I 'banter with' are on a lower level than I am.

I am naturally friendly and do have conversations with colleagues and I feel that my colleagues respect me and find me approachable because of that.

He also went on about my bubbliness. I am friendly and get on with people. He feels this may be restricting me apparently. It's just my personality though! He wants me to bring my whole self to work. If I brought my whole self to work, I'd be telling colleagues that they're fucking me off no end.

I work very hard, to the detriment of my health at times and hit deadlines and targets without any problems.

What he said hit me like a brick to be honest and I've been really upset over the weekend at what basically feels like an attack on my personality. Is he right though?

I think banter is for those at same level as you.

For those whom you're managing friendliness, respect and professionalism is more appropriate. Not banter. Youre in a position of authority, youre not friends.

Sexist nonsense. Has any man ever been told he's "bubbly"? It's only ever applied to women and usually used as a subtle insult.

'Lower than you'? WTF? Are we back in the doffing of cap at our so-called 'superiors' era? I must've missed that.

Im retired now thank god but used to enjoy a little harmless banter and jokes at work. Im glad im not in the workplace anymore as Its become a minefield, things that would have been laughed about a few years ago ( nothing racist, sexual, albeist etc) are now frowned upon, mostly by the younger colleagues who feel "anxious" when people appear to be having a little fun a work

Was about to say exactly this. Totally contradictory messages.

It’s absolutely fine to be friendly, outgoing and cooperative.
Being ‘bubbly’ and engaging in ‘banter’ can very easily cross a line.
You need to read the room, observe how other managers behave, and remain professional.

Regarding the banter, it depends a lot on what is being said. As a line manager, I definitely stay away from joke or conversation with more junior employees that could offend, or be perceived as criticising management.

With other managers though it's fine.

As other posters have said, I'm struggling to reconcile "be less bubbly" and "bring your whole self to work". If you're naturally bubbly then that's what you're doing already, and he seems to have an issue with it.

Generally i think it's very bad practice as a manager to criticise people's personality. You're not unreasonable to be offended if it was delivered that way.

If he has the authority to set the culture within the environment and to decide how he wants managers to manage, then he is 'right' because he is the person who gets to decide, not you. There isn't a consensus of opinion on how line managers should behave.
Some people believe creating a relaxed 'first among equals' group of friends has advantages. It can result in loyalty, more openess, as people are comfortable around you, and a greater sense of buy in, as the job takes on a social and emotional role, like a friendship group or family. Others believe there are dangers that the line manager loses respect, will struggle with tough decisions, lays themselves open to accusations of favouritism, becomes 'for the staff' rather than representing the company line.
Your senior had the authority to decide which approach he believes best, and is marking your card here. I think you have no choice but to comply, or leave to find a culture that favours your own approach.

“bringing your whole self to work” is just lazy management speak that someone has picked up at some US inspired seminar. They really, really don’t want you to do this. They want you to be professional at all times, not rock the boat and work your arse off.

Again first post nailed it . You are happy about the way you behave at work but someone else is not. Rather than dismissing what was said, try to find out exactly what it was that someone objected to. It may just have been one casual joke comment.

You could ask for clarification. It’s really impossible to know the actual issue otherwise.

PPs have suggested some plausible reasons, and I would add that my initial impression after reading your OP was that perhaps your manager has suggested you for a promotion and someone else thinks (rightly or wrongly) you’re too friendly with the staff to be able to manage them effectively and/or has cast doubts on your leadership potential within the company on this basis.

It might also be that your manager was struggling to think of an area for improvement for your appraisal so he just recycled some advice someone gave him wheh he was more junior.

Without knowing the details, it’s impossible to know whether this comment was driven by a complaint, jealousy, a specific overheard comment, objections to promotion or something else, as there are so many possibilities. I would just ask.

What some people see as fun and harmless banter, others see as bullying and unkind.

I also agree that someone will have complained about you and as a manager, you should be pulling people up on banter that is inappropriate rather than allowing it to go to far. You need to have a definite professional line between friendships and management which generally means socialising and banter stops.

Could he be saying you are bubbly when he means unprofessional? It sounds to me as if he is trying to informally deal with a complaint or feedback that has been made about you and because he hasn’t been blunt about it, you aren’t picking up on the issue.

My very best managers were friendly, approachable, but detached. The very worse were "one of the gang" until there were problems then they were the biggest bastards out there. Over friendly line management always caused problems sooner or later.

Can you give an example of this “banter”?

Your boss is trying to tell you that you spend too much work time messing about, and now that you are a manager, you need to think about the example you are setting.

I'm sorry you've been upset and would encourage you to go back and ask for specific instances of how you might improve and change. As a manager, your life will be easier if you don't try to be 'one of the boys' but become a little bit detached. If you have to discipline someone, or even just need to try to insist on higher standards of punctuality, say, it can be difficult if you're seen as being on the same level. You need to be professional and mindful of the authority that has been vested in you. Sorry, it's hard, I know.

I strongly suspect they think that by joining in the ‘banter’ you’re encouraging others to slack off and distracting people. If you as a manager are joining in a lot of chat and mucking around, that makes it harder for other managers to tell their junior staff to rein it in a bit.

If you tell a very chatty team member that they need to be less disruptive and get on with their job because others need to concentrate, it’s very easy for the team member to say “But Other Manager was joining in so I thought it was OK”.

You can't go out with the girls on Saturday night and discipline them on Monday morning.

I would ask for more specifics, else you might change one aspect of your behaviour that everyone is fine with and not the bit the manager is really referring to.

It may be because someone has complained, or because your manager is struggling to find points for improvement, or because of sexism, or something else.

I have spent most of my career in very male dominated departments. I still feel a little bitter that I had to have a chat with HR for not saying hello to everyone in the morning (I did wave - I suspect I would have also had to have a chat with HR if I had been interrupting people's phone calls to say hello...) I pointed out that Fred (not real name) did similar and other much more unfriendly things, to the point some people refused to work with him - but apparently, "that's just his way, and we have to learn to live with it." But we can't learn to live with me as I am?

So - when it comes to workplace behaviour, I don't think men and women are held to the same standards, but whether that is the case here, you can't be sure without more detail.

You'll know better than someone who's never met either of you, but this could be good professional advice.

"Bubbly" women are often seen as less serious about work, less professional, which can hold you back careerwise, and being "friends" with colleagues is something which has to change when you take a managerial role. You can still be friendly, but imo it's more professional to keep some distance, not least because it makes it much easier to navigate those difficult conversations.

Well, he is your manager and it is an appraisal so why are you getting upset? You don't have to agree with it, but what on earth do you think are appraisals are for ? To simply tap you on your back and tell you "mate you are doing such an a amazing job, keep it up". If he believes your behaviour is unacceptable and may dampen your chances of promotion, he is doing the right thing by telling you, instead of keeping it for himself. You should be thankful he is giving you such an honest feedback as it is very often not the case in many organisations.
If his comments were delivered in a respectful and constructive way, you have no reason to being so upset and you better start growing a thicker skin or else you are not cut out for the corporate world.

Exactly.
Keep it professional but don’t change who you are.

This is not my experience at all. I have very friendly conversations with all my staff, they are not hard to manage at all. I tell them when they messed up, and every one of them says they worry more about getting things wrong for me than they do for the dickhead dinosaur who yells them out for it. They hate when I’m disappointed in them. My boss and I have a similar relationship.

This boss appears to be trying to put OP down and keeping her in the place they think she should be in. That’s not on and I’d be looking for someone else.

Constructive feedback about how her personality might be affecting the team is absolutely fine. E.g if she is very chatty and the team are unable to focus on work, if she is loud and it’s an open plan office, that’s all fine. But saying she shouldn’t engage in banter with senior team members isn’t a professional way to manage staff. If there has been a complaint (and I don’t believe there has) they need to be specific about it.

I see this as being told to stop dicking around at work with the groms. You’re a manager, act like one.

There's a difference between friendly conversations and bubbly banter though.