To think that this was uncalled for?

[CarrotCrusader]

In my most recent appraisal, my manager told me that a person at my level (junior management) shouldn't be joining in with office banter as much as I do, especially as those people I 'banter with' are on a lower level than I am.

I am naturally friendly and do have conversations with colleagues and I feel that my colleagues respect me and find me approachable because of that.

He also went on about my bubbliness. I am friendly and get on with people. He feels this may be restricting me apparently. It's just my personality though! He wants me to bring my whole self to work. If I brought my whole self to work, I'd be telling colleagues that they're fucking me off no end.

I work very hard, to the detriment of my health at times and hit deadlines and targets without any problems.

What he said hit me like a brick to be honest and I've been really upset over the weekend at what basically feels like an attack on my personality. Is he right though?

If you work for a huge corporate then there is definitely a culture of “leave your personality at the door”, which was how a client who worked for one described it to me. He was listing all the pros like regular promotion and job security, but said a big negative was the inability to be yourself and the bland, boring culture.

I saw this first hand when I temped at a big utility company on a long term contract. I found it so depressing that I eventually asked to be transferred somewhere else.

I think the fact that he raised it through the relatively formal channel of an appraisal means you may have a blind spot.

You say “bubbly” and “banter” but you havent done any introspection about how this might be experienced by the people around you.

In my personal experience, a lot of people who use words like “banter” / “bantz” are really unaware that they make other people feel uncomfortable.

Friendly, professional - yes.

”Banter” with junior staff members - in what I assume from your post is a hierarchical corporate org (based on “bring your whole
self to work”) is not appropriate.

Those who you are bantering with might be ok with it but what about those who don't find your jokes funny / find your sense of humour unrelatable / find your bubbliness distracting when they are just there to get their work done?

I dont think you should change your personality by the way. Being friendly / bubbly is great. However i do think someone has complained and it has been documented formally, so you so need to take it on board and consider that you might not come across the way you think you do.

I’m also very bubbly and come on a little strong, occasionally. But there’s a time and place for this. The law firm I work at isn’t. (And I’m constantly realising that there are still possible areas of improvement.)

ask for specific and specific recommendations / adjustments you could make (according to your manager). Keep a written summary of the meeting on your private phone / laptop.

bringing your whole personality? That sounds like corporate crap, tbh.

Is there someone at your work who you trust to be honest, someone with good judgement who will tell you straight, that you could ask for a second opinion? If could be that your manager is reading things wrong or it could be that there is something there for you to listen to, if you can I’d ask someone else.

Also either way you know now how your style is landing with your manager. That is useful information whether you agree with their assessment or not.

Sounds uncalled for.
Email for clarification on all that was said to you.
Let the fxxker confirm it on paper.
Very reasonable to ask where this is coming from as it felt like a very personal and you would like to know where it is coming from and understand.
Stop with killing yourself for this job.
Never a good idea.
"Bring your whole personality" ask what EXACTLY that (bullshit jargon) means and ask for specific examples of what it is and when haven't you.

This bullshit word salad can be used to intimidate and bully.
As for clarification.
It will be useful to have should you feel a grievance necessary in the future.

How I hate the word ‘banter’. What is ‘banter’ to some is stupid jokes, time wasting, veiled criticism and sometimes downright inappropriateness to others.

Have you been truly reflective about this? Do junior members of stafff like you but don’t necessarily respect you? How much time every day is spent in ‘banter’? If you have to have a difficult conversation, how easy up is that? You say you work incredible hard - are you picking up the slack for members of your team who are spending too much time on banter?

Professionalism is really important if you want to progress - take this as something to think about rather than as something spiteful. I don’t think anyone is asking you to mask your personality, they’re asking you to be reflective and I expect they will be looking at whether you have listened.

I agree that this is a verbal warning and it’ll be a formal disciplinary if you don’t change what you are doing.

Only on MN can a run of the mill appraisal, which of course comes with positives and negatives, become a verbal warning!

Thank you for your advice and feedback.

I kept myself to myself today. Difficult with distracting colleagues but I did it! I did join in with a bit of conversation and now I'm totally overthinking what I said as I was sarcastic, but not in a nasty way, and now I'm thinking all sorts.

Interesting what some people have said about perhaps someone has complained about me. It's possible someone complained about a conversation I had on my lunch break with a colleague who is also a good friend. He was telling me about his personal life and a few people were in hearing distance. I'm scared to even conversate now because ive come to realise there is lots of banter in the office and its not all from me. I just thrive when people are laughing I think.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

What was the lunchtime conversation with your colleague about? And why do you someone would complain over that particular conversation?

I don't want to say on here as it's outing.