He says I'm selfish

[Liveinthewoods80]

I didn't work for a long time because of health issues. Now I'm earning again, I want to travel while I still can.

I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to come on a long haul trip, and I would pay. (he'd taken me on a couple of hols when I was skint). He said No.

I said OK, booked my flight and went alone. He said I was selfish.

I asked him why. We don't live together or have kids, we have separate finances, I pay my way and have no debt.

He said "because there was no discussion. you just did what you wanted to do and cleared off." I disagree. I asked him if he wanted to come and I'd pay.

When we first met I told him I loved travelling and wanted to do more. I've never pretended otherwise.

AIBU?

you know you’re not selfish.

Why didn’t you discuss with him?

He said;"because there was no discussion. you just did what you wanted to do and cleared off." Can you give us an idea of time spans? Did you ask him on a Sunday, book it on Tuesday and leave on Friday?

Discuss what? She told him what she was going to do, invited him and when he said no, she continued with her plan… just as she told him. What was to discuss?

They don’t live together. They don’t have kids. They’re just boyfriend and girlfriend. You can go on holiday without asking your boyfriend’s permission.

To be clear, I don’t mean ask his permission but in a relationship I just think it’s common courtesy to just chat about plans as in ‘shame you don’t want to come but I really want to go on this trip so I’ll be booking it, I’ll be away between x and x’

Those details would usually be included in an invitation. So nothing to discuss when he says no. She wasn’t going to change plans and that’s not selfish.

When he says discussion, he really probably does mean “ask permission” or even “not go because I don’t want to.”

You were not selfish especially considering you don't even live together or have common DC.
He's being weird. You asked him and offered to lay. That's the opposite of selfish.

No you're not being selfish. He's being controlling. Throw him back.

I mean, yes you're being "selfish", but I hate that word.

You're putting your needs and wants first, as you should.

What did he want you to do? You invited him, and he said no. What he clearly meant was because he didn’t want to go, he didn’t want you to go either.

A little bit.

There’s an element of controlling here, he obviously didn’t want you to go.

I agree. He wanted you to ask permission, and he might not have given it. You were right to go.

So you planned the whole trip yourself, then asked him if he'd like to tag along? Maybe he would have liked to be involved in the planning at an earlier stage. The destination or activities might not be the ones he would have chosen himself.

The way you describe it, you've got everything lined up the way you want it on the holiday, and he would just be along for the ride. So I can see why he wasn't so keen.

Yep and he is being gaslighting and manipulative. You clearly discussed the trip with him. You don’t have joint responsibilities that would fall to him. He wants you to follow his agenda and he doesn’t understand that you don’t see his agenda as your agenda. He is the self centred one here.

It's not selfish to take a trip you wanted to take, especially when you offered to pay for him to go.

No kids, no shared financial commitments, enjoying the freedom of being able to do trips again, and offering him what he offered you, is absolutely the ideal time to be planning trips you wanted to do.

Why wasn't he interested in going? Was he time poor? Have you offered to repay his kindness with cash, not a holiday option.
You are not selfish for taking the trip alone, just wondering why he couldn't go?

Hmm this isn’t really about whether you acted selfishly or not. It’s more to do with how conflict is raised and managed in your relationship and to do with his difficulty in clearly explaining how he feels. My guess is your going away raised some uncomfortable feelings for him and instead of processing or exploring those with you, he’s shifted to anger and ‘attack’. This tends to be a really common pattern. I’d probably try to accomplish two things here 1: Make it clear that it’s not okay to speak to me like that 2: Explore with curiosity what’s going on for him as a result of you taking the trip away (if I liked him enough).

This is what I’m taking from the OP as well. Of course it’s not selfish for her to go on holiday by herself, but surely if two people are going together you plan it together?

He took you on holiday twice, did he chose where you went? If you both had a say then he expected the same from you.

I cant see how the op is being less controlling? Or selfish?

And i can imagine the replies if the boyfriend said 'right I'm off on holdays' I bet he would be called just as selfish and controlling

What he means is he wanted you to change your mind , following discussion with him, about going to x on the date you decided.

He wanted you to grovel. However, you believed his response to your invitation. You knew your own mind. Got uppity. Didn’t stay in your place. You did what you wanted, and had signposted, anyway.

Have a wonderful holiday.

He sounds like a control freak. Goodness knows what he'd be like if you married/moved in together/had children.

Well there was discussion- you told him what you were planning to do, asked him if he wanted to come and offered to pay. It’s on him and it’s not selfish.
Might be different if you were using joint money or swanning off leaving him to look after kids but you don’t have any. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.