He says I'm selfish

[Liveinthewoods80]

I didn't work for a long time because of health issues. Now I'm earning again, I want to travel while I still can.

I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to come on a long haul trip, and I would pay. (he'd taken me on a couple of hols when I was skint). He said No.

I said OK, booked my flight and went alone. He said I was selfish.

I asked him why. We don't live together or have kids, we have separate finances, I pay my way and have no debt.

He said "because there was no discussion. you just did what you wanted to do and cleared off." I disagree. I asked him if he wanted to come and I'd pay.

When we first met I told him I loved travelling and wanted to do more. I've never pretended otherwise.

AIBU?

I guess it depends why he is saying you are selfish. Does this mean you will not go on holiday with him next year for example? I can understand how he is feeling if that is the case.

I think maybe he liked you a little ill, a little dependent and a little beholden. You’ve changed and he doesn’t like it.

Say next year you are still together, and you fancy another long haul, how will you feel about raising the subject? If it is with trepidation, this says a lot about compatibility, and possibly some control. The freedom you have currently is very precious.

Your update makes me think you should get away from him, simply because you have your own mind. Who the hell is he to tell you your priorities are wrong? Fuck him off.

Well, your update sounds like you weren’t ever going to involve him in the planning of this trip, but at the same time his subsequent comments are ridiculous and I wonder if there’s any real point to this relationship.

You don’t live together, so it’s irrelevant to him if you have nice floors and wallpaper!
Like you said, you’re not going to lay on your deathbed and think, ‘I absolutely loved all the memories of my beautiful floor’. You will think, ‘I bloody loved that trip to Thailand and doing xyz’. Especially as you have health issues.
Just out of curiosity, how old is he?

Lol, no it doesn't mean I won't go on holiday with him next year. If he wanted me to go to Outer Mongolia with him, I would.

He likes a lot of breaks but only for three days and only a two hour flight at most- does he think proper holidays are too extravagant or is he afraid of flying? Either way you don't share expenses or a home so he has no right to tell you what to do with your money, time or home. You offered to pay for him so if he won't come how is that selfish?
I wonder if there's a reason he only likes to be away a few days at a time and what that reason might be, in your place Op I'd want to find out the answer

Very poignant. A RL friend has wondered the same.

What was there to discuss? She wanted to go on a long haul flight holiday she has always wanted to travel. She has been ill and unable to go now she is well she can go. She offered to pay for him and asked if he wanted to go. He said no.
What else is there to talk about. I don't understand that she has done anything wrong.

We only went to the place in Spain because he did not want to go anywhere else. I would go back there again but it wouldn't be my priority.

Listen to your friend.

She has a right to go somewhere she has always wanted to go to. She invited him and even offered to pay for him

He could have gone he didn't want to. There is no reason she can't still go and no reason why she shouldn't plan to do something she wanted to do.
They are not joined at the hip. They don't even live together.

Hmm, that could be a bit outing. We're both over 50.

It doesn't matter what the reason is though. It's not selfish for her to want to do something even though her boyfriend doesn't want to or can't.
I'm married and often do things my husband doesn't want to do and vice versa. . And we have both been away without each other. They don't even live together.

To be fair, he is self employed and needs to be based at a fixed location to do his work, which is why we go on shorter trips. My long haul trip was only for 2 weeks and at a time of year when demand for his work dies off for a few weeks. I think it wasn't so much that but his priority of wanting to pay off his new vehicle, and that he had already been to the country I went to. But ultimately he said he couldn't be bothered.

What is interesting is that he has an adult son who lives with his girlfriend. They often go abroad without each other with their respective friends or doing their hobbies. Which he seems fine with. So I think it's just that he feels he's done his travelling earlier in life and now just wants to be at home enjoying the fruits of his labour.

Not sure that contradicts anything I said?

Well nobody, including you, is stopping him are they?

He doesn’t get to impose his preferred lifestyle on you.

Thanks for answering my questions @Liveinthewoods80 . I can see being self employed makes a difference but if you're in your 50s shouldn't he be able to take a fortnight off, I'd expect a self employed man of that age to have a decent income.
The only other reason I can think of is you're both maybe a decade from retirement, is he thinking you'll both sell up and buy together then so he wants your house improved? It's a pretty thin argument but it's either that or he's just being petty, thinks because he won't go neither should you. You're a grown woman, you make you're own choices, unless he'll stop sulking and tell you the real reason why he thinks you're selfish then he needs to drop the subject

A bit concerning that he seems to think you should be doing up your property that you’re perfectly happy with. Have you discussed both selling up and buying together? I would be really wary of that. Given your clearly different priorities you should definitely keep all finances and property separate.

I sort of wondered this too - maybe not that he liked it that you were ill, you've not said anything to suggest he's cruel. Just that he liked it when he knew what he was getting and that you were quite "routine".

To me it reads like he assumed you'd drop this long haul plan when he said he wasn't interested, as if he's somehow your centre. Anything past that, about wallpaper or flooring, was knitpicking to demonstrate that he thinks you're being irresposible.

Quite frankly, if you're both over 50, earning, you have no debt, you're not living together and you have no shared children, why should he give a fig if you're "irresponsable"?

You're not, by the way.

I wouldn't even consider selling my house or joining finances for any man at this stage of my life. It's my security, freedom and peace of mind.

I guess maybe he was hoping you could go away together if it is at a time when you can both get time off? Ultimately I guess the question is was he hoping you could go somewhere different together or does he want you both to just sit at home.

Good woman.
Keep your home and independence.
Enjoy your traveling.
Let him off.