He says I'm selfish

[Liveinthewoods80]

I didn't work for a long time because of health issues. Now I'm earning again, I want to travel while I still can.

I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to come on a long haul trip, and I would pay. (he'd taken me on a couple of hols when I was skint). He said No.

I said OK, booked my flight and went alone. He said I was selfish.

I asked him why. We don't live together or have kids, we have separate finances, I pay my way and have no debt.

He said "because there was no discussion. you just did what you wanted to do and cleared off." I disagree. I asked him if he wanted to come and I'd pay.

When we first met I told him I loved travelling and wanted to do more. I've never pretended otherwise.

AIBU?

He said No
No because he couldn't take the time off then?

No because its a destination he has concerns about but would have loved to go somewhere else?

No because his mother is very ill?

Without knowing why he said no its Impossible to comment.

He said "because there was no discussion. you just did what you wanted to do and cleared off." I disagree. I asked him if he wanted to come and I'd pay.

So how did this "discussion" happen? Did you say - "I want to go to x destination on y date, do you want to come?" and he said "no".

That's not really a discussion - would he have gone on holiday with you if it was different destination or different dates? Does you going on this holiday, mean you can't afford a holiday with your boyfriend?

I don't think he understands what selfish means.
You asked him, he said no, you went. Absolutely nothing selfish in that at all.
Like others have said, he is controlling and wanted you to stay at home and wait for his say so.

It depends.

Did you plan the trip with him as a couple or just organise it all yourself and ask him if he wanted to tag along?

The only way this would be selfish is if previously when he paid for your joint trips, he said he’d take you away and let you have a say in where and when you went, what you’d do when there etc, and he thinks it’s selfish that when it’s you paying, he didn’t get the same involvement in planning, it was take it or leave it.

So while on the face of it, you aren’t being selfish, it does depend on how much control and influence you had over your joint holidays when he was the one paying. If he did give you equal say when planning a joint holiday even when he was paying 100%, then I do think when your finances improved, it would only be fair to treat him the way he treated you for your first joint holiday that you fund- even if you then did a solo trip a month or so later to where he didn’t want to go.

Obviously if on your joint trips previously he just said “I want to go to Greece this summer, do you want to come with me? I’ll pay” and you didn’t get any influence in the where/when/which hotel etc then YANBU

Yeah, he wanted you to stay home. And that's why you should reconsider the relationship.

I don’t think you are wrong in principle. Maybe it looked like you asked him but didn’t want to know his reasons and accommodate him so like a tick boxing exercise basically?

Not selfish at all as far as I can see.

You invited him and even offered to pay, which was very generous.

What was his reasoning for not going with you? If it was along the lines of “I don’t fancy Barcelona really” then of course you should still go without him. Why wouldn’t you? He’s just a boyfriend.

He sounds pretty controlling to me. Unless there’s a huge drip feed of “I can’t go that week because my DC is having an operation, how about two weeks later?” Or something similar?

At a guess he wanted to go on a trip but didnt want to go on a long haul trip.

The discussion he was hoping for was for you to say, "ok how about we find a trip we would both like to do".

I'm going to assume that the trips he paid for you both to go were booked, following a discussion of where you would BOTH like to go. You've not done that here.

Can kind of see why he's got annoyed, as now that is your turn to pay, you've very much gone "its my way or the highway".

OP didn't post anything about the boyfriends kindness? Why would she donate cash to him?

Never date a bloke who calls you names or feels entitled to control you. Tell him he's inspired you to take another holiday, and enjoy life free of him.

She said he paid for her to go on two holidays while she was skint, she was unemployed, did you read the OP?

You asked him and he said No.
You are not selfish.
Time to rethink the relationship perhaps because he sounds controlling.
Life is short. Enjoy it while you can.

Exactly this. DP went to Paris not that long ago to do a hobby related thing. Planned four days of stuff. Invited me. I said no, that wasn't what I wanted to be doing with my time and wasn't my thing at all. To be fair, I wasn't pissed off that he went ahead and did it anyway.

BUT if your partner has planned holidays WITH YOU and taken into account what you wanted to do, and then paid, it would be reasonable to expect / hope for a similar courtesy in return. Yes, also, perhaps, a trip for you doing what you want to do (if he isn't interested in going to Vietnam, for example) -- but maybe planning something together and you treating him would have been a good first step.

He didnt want you to go. He's controlling. just end it now

Mostly, I think YANBU. You want to go on this trip, you asked if he’d like to come, all expenses paid. He said no, so you booked without him. All good.

When he paid for you to go on trips, did you get any say in where you went, what you did etc? Or did he just “invite you along” on a trip he’d fully planned.

I’m just thinking that if you did get a say in the trips he paid for, the offer of a “take it or leave it” trip does not settle the debt (if you agreed there’d be a returned favour). It’s not like-for-like. So not that you shouldn’t go on your trip, but that you should still offer to pay for him to come on a trip you’ve both chosen and planned another time.

However, if you didn’t get a say, or if those trips were expressly a “no strings attached” gift, or if that’s not his reasoning, then he does sound very unreasonable and controlling criticising you for going away alone.

None of this is even remotely relevant. She wanted to go on a trip anyway, she asked him if he wanted to come along free of charge; he said no. So she went on the trip alone. Those are the only things that matter. The reason he couldn’t or didn’t want to go is irrelevant and his accusation that she is being selfish for going on a holiday without him, when she’d offered to take him along for free and he’d declined, is bullshit.

'Do you want this free thing?'
'No.'
'ok, I'll be back in a week.'
'wehhhh, you're selfish!!'

Yeah, I would not be attracted to a man behaving like this.

You dont live together you dont have kids you dont have any ties.
You have your own income your own security.
Discussions about what you told him you asked him.
Bin him off and go have fun while you still can.
Live free and single and do what the fuck you want.
Think of all the fun you can have on holiday with no strings attached. 😉
Thats been my life for the past 9 year's.

Man: I want to go on a cycling holiday - do you want to come? I'll pay.
Woman: No, not my thing thanks

<later>
Woman: Shall we go on a holiday together?
Man: I have no holiday money or annual leave left now, because I used it all up on the cycling holiday. I did ask you if you wanted to come and you said no.

Definitely not selfish but did you not chat about you going alone still?
Surely after he said he wasn't going you would then say no problem, I'm going to go solo, thinking about these dates etc.

I went on a solo holiday earlier this year and i never shut up about it to my husband I was so excited, I can't really see a scenario where it wouldn't be talked about

This is one of those situations where there isn't enough info.

1 When you went on trips with him, did he just tell you what he was doign and then let you tag along?

2 if he wanted to do a trip and offered to pay and you didn't want to go, did he go anyway?

3 As you wanted to do this trip and he didn't, did you suggest arranging a different trip, at a different time that he WOULD like to do? Particularly considering that he has previousl paid for trips for you?

4 How long were you gone for on this long haul trip? And did it happen during a time when other things might be happening - birthdays, weddings, christmas etc?

Thanks all. Here are some answers to questions asked. This is over a period of a few years.

Two holidays he took me on were short breaks to his favourite place in Spain. He paid flights and hotels, I had my own spending money.

He took me on another 3day break to an Eastern European country for my birthday, which was wonderful.

Then he bought a new motorhome, and said he couldn't go on foreign holidays for a while. OK, but I still do want them and I'll pay for him if he wants to come but I'm not forcing him.

We do frequent short UK trips in his campervan.

I first mentioned my long haul trip about 3 months before departure, and that if he was interested I would pay for him.

He didn't want to travel long haul. I asked again a month later to see if he'd changed his mind. No.

When I booked the leave off work, he said, "you are going to do this anyway? I thought you wanted to redecorate? You said you wanted to get that flock wallpaper off the living room wall."

I said, I do at some point, but I'm not going to lie on my deathbed saying, if only I'd got that flock wallpaper off my wall.

Him: "what about the new flooring you want?"

I said, the flooring is old but it will get done in time.

He said I was irresponsible and should be paying off debt.

I said it was all paid off.

Then, didn't I want a nice house? (His house is stunning.)

For me, my home is nice enough and my priorities aren't material things but experiences.

I don't spend on clothes, hair, makeup, or do lots of socialising.

He says I have my priorities all wrong and I'm just wondering if I really have. I love travelling but do it on a budget.

Material considerations aside, if he was going on holiday alone, somewhere I didn't want to go, or on a trip with his mates, I'd be happy for him.

I understand he is paying down his motorhome, but there are places I want to see, while I can (health issues), am happy to do it alone, and now wondering if I'm being selfish and childish / unrealistic. Like in the film Shirley Valentine, "Dreams are never were you think they will be."

He hasn't taken his motorhome abroad yet but we're doing that soon (not at my insistence, he is interested in a sport event).

No he had no important family or other event going on during my long haul trip.

God he sounds like a bore!

From reading your updates, it’s obvious that the two of you are incompatible. You just have different priorities.

He wants to accumulate “stuff” and you want to accumulate memories.

Neither of you is wrong but it will never be resolved, as you’re too different.