Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

OP has said that her eldest's bio father was involved, there were visits up to twice a week at times and he paid some child maintenance. Adoption wouldn't be possible.

They are not unrelated they are part of a family that have been together since her son was 3 years old but apparently that means nothing and step children, foster children, adopted children and anyone we're not related to by blood means nothing and we owe them nothing. I'm astounded how heartless some of you are.

OP I am heartbroken for your son, I find alot of the replies so bloody awful too. How can nobody empathise with the inequality. Your eldest son must feel life is very unfair, both in the fact that his biological Dad is a deadbeat and so has not had that nuclear family relationship his little brother has and also your youngest gets another massive head start financially too.

That is incredibly tough and quite frankly I probably would be looking to try and help my eldest out a bit more myself (as much as possible) you'll never make them even, but you can let your eldest know that you think he deserves a hand up too.

Really wish your in-laws could've waited before announcing giving your youngest a house, or maybe discussed it with you first! Surely that could have waited to be announced after uni for the youngest and given your eldest a bit of time to find his own feet in the world first. Having the youngest announce he'll be getting a free house at 16 when your eldest is struggling to launch into this shitty jobs market is really disheartening and will surely drive a wedge between them.

I think yab extremely unreasonable.
Your DH will inherit from his parents, so it'll come from them anyway.
Are you suggesting that the family home should be split less than 50/50? In favour of DC1? That's awful on DC2, it isn't his fault they've different Dad's.
In your husbands situation, I'd be leaving my half fully to DC 2, if he has already agreed on 50/50 you're doing well.
Stop badgering your DH, gratitude is the opposite of resentment.
I assume you're young enough, take on another job.

It's not up to your husband or his parents to provide for your son. He has a paternal family, somewhere, surely. Why expect people who aren't related to him to stump up if his own flesh and blood won't?

I am part of a blended family, I would never expect my in-laws to treat my older children in the same way they do their own grandchildren.

Yes agree with you on the likelihood, but not the posters that call it inevitable as if it were impossible to ensure equity between half-siblings that have been raised together since toddler age.

Agree.

When you're thinking about finances OP, imho it's also worth trying to focus on the extent to which your marriage has improved DS1s situation and prospects. He has the potential to inherit more than he would've done had you stayed with his unimpressive DF, or remained single.

The child has a dad, who he sees, and two other grandparents. He inherits from them.

OP I am heartbroken for your son, I find alot of the replies so bloody awful too. How can nobody empathise with the inequality. Your eldest son must feel life is very unfair, both in the fact that his biological Dad is a deadbeat and so has not had that nuclear family relationship his little brother has and also your youngest gets another massive head start financially too.

But it's not an equal situation. If it were two biological grandchildren, then yes, you'd have a point.

It's nobody else's fault that he had a deadbeat dad or no nuclear family relationship - I don't really see why anyone should be compensated for that.

It’s a kick in the teeth as a young person to see your brother be treated differently though, even if there are reasons (and they’re tough reasons too - OP’s big son can’t help who his biological dad was anymore than the grandparents can) but they’re adults and know he was left just with his mum, who so happens to be the woman their son chose to make his life and have a family with. Does your DH view Big Son as his own?

OP, I think it’s a bit poor. I’m astonished at people saying ‘of course they wouldn’t do for him as they’ve done for his brother/cousins’ like that’s a given. Family is more than blood and if blood is all that bothers people, your two boys are linked together forever and will be here long after the rest of you are away.

However, I don’t think there’s a whole lot you can do about it re: the grandparents. I wouldn’t discuss it, nor would I expect him to talk to your DH about it. I’d redress it myself, take out a policy and depending on what happens in both their lives and where they end up, I would leave Big Son my half of the house if it was legally practicable. If my younger son had built on his early good fortune and wasn’t in need of the money but was still unhappy about that I think I’d wonder about him. He got lucky in the lottery of birth, his big brother less so. A rising tide lifts all ships, IME.

It is impossible for OP to ensure equity between siblings when it comes to someone else's money, though. She could leave the entirety of her own estate to DS1 if she wants, but nobody gets to decide how someone else wills their assets.

Basically, it was inevitable in this particular setup, and the signs were there. Maybe not of a house on DS2s 18th birthday, but OP has been clear that while ILs treated DS1 kindly, they didn't treat him the same.

Of course adoption could have been possible.
You can’t adopt and then expect CMS to still be paid by the father signing away his parental responsibilities, but everything else- Visits to bio dad, going to bio dad family wedding - these are all still possible post adoption.

And given this is a father OP has called disinterested and only half heartedly does CMS and visits…he may have jumped at the chance to sign the eldest away when eldest was 3

I also think it's awful, valuing money over relationships. There's more to life than money. They think they're doing good by giving him all this money when all they're doing is fostering a cruel inequality between him and his sibling. his relationship with his brother is more important than learning to drive/owning a house.

you are becoming more and more unreasonable and ridiculous.

How much is that "course" for a start? You can't finance the same for your other child? It's not like there are so many jobs where you NEED that training to work, you find a lot of excuse for your eldest and you are very dismissive of your second
make money from a job built on a hobby
You should be PROUD not dismissive, what a horrible attitude.

I am not wanting my eldest to directly inherit from my in-laws but indirectly through my husband.
the cheek 😂

It is very normal for people to leave only to their spouse and blood relations, yes. That has always been the case. Bleating about heartlessness isn’t going to change this reality either.

He is part of their family in the same way OP is part of their family, but he’s no more their grandchild than OP is their daughter.

I disagree. If her husband had adopted her elder son, then they could have ensured it together and it would have been automatic in terms of legal inheritance rights. Grandparents would have likely taken that as a cue to treat him as a grandson as well.

It was by no means inevitable.

Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted

Seems like they did accept him into their family, OP would have said if they were cruel or ignored him. Or do you only judge how much someone loves you based on the money they spend on you?

It's not really the in-law's business to check if older boy will inherit from his side and how much.

They look after their own grand-children, that's enough. Would you expect them to give MORE to youngest if oldest receive a bigger inheritance from his side? Of course not.

2 different families, 2 different set of finances, that's life.

Is there not the chance that OP's eldest will one day inherit from his biological family? Or OP's own family?

So 'eldest' could inherit from three places.

Other son, only from two places.

How would that be 'equal'.

It was inevitable for OP that this would happen, given that she knew full well that her in laws were not going to act as grandparents to her eldest, and accepted this.

Of course there was going to be a difference...
Little things, when the boys were little, like a slight difference in the quality of Christmas presents for example, could be brushed off.
But unfortunately, bigger kids, bigger issues.

I can get that, as the mother of both, you don't like this disparity, but it's the nature of blended families. Of course grandparents were going to show more interest/favoritism to the son of their son. I'm sure they are very fond of son 1, but they can't be expected to have the same link to him.

You haven't said whether the boys themselves had said anything about the issue. But it does sound like son 1 could do with a bit of support. Dropping out of uni and skipping between jobs - while quite normal (I had a friend at that age who had 11 jobs in the space of about 18 months) - isn't necessarily the sign of a young adult who has found his feet.

As for your will, you can't honestly expect your DH to disadvantage his biological son for the sake of his step son. That's just not reasonable.

I also think it's awful, valuing money over relationships. There's more to life than money.

Tell that to the OP @Fesnying Who seems to only value her in-laws input into her son's life, if it's financial!

But he didn't.

Of course it's possible to construct different situations to the one OP is actually in. I've not seen anyone suggest adoption in this circumstance never happens, and I personally know of one where it did. But people are basing their replies on what actually happens, not alternate scenarios that may or may not have been plausible with these particular people.

And you really have no idea whether the GPs would've likely taken it as a cue to treat him as a grandson. That's total guesswork. At minimum, people not treating adopted relatives the same as bio ones in wills is a thing that happens- I saw a post about it on Relationships a few days back.

But he didn't.

Here, adoption isn't possible when a parent is seeing their child and paying support. Parental rights aren't stripped just because the mom married some dude with money.

I agree they should mention it / discuss it before giving something of that value to your son. At the same point, I’m afraid there is a reasonable chance they are gifting to the grandson instead of your husband to ensure it doesn’t get inherited equally between your two kids but goes directly to their grandson and protect it from the split your husband might enact. It’s obviously hard to realise that’s how they see the world - but just be glad that’s now how your husband feels and so your eldest is getting treated equally by his step dad - that’s quite unusual and lovely.