Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

I don’t think that their choice of paying for the health and safety and a first aid course to enable their grandson to make money from a job built on a hobby he had has anything to do with him being given a house .

Unless there is a lottery win my eldest won’t inherit anything from his father. I imagine if ex’s parents don’t need care and his father inherits a quarter of their house he will piss it away before my eldest gets anything.

I am not wanting my eldest to directly inherit from my in-laws but indirectly through my husband.

I think they should have spoken to us before speaking to a 17 year old child about money he was going to receive.

I think they should have spoken to us before speaking to a 17 year old child about money he was going to receive.

On that point, YANBU.

I only have one son but 2 SK and my son ha a been given a huge inheritance money regular cash from grandparents and stands inherit again property and cash

to be honest it’s why I only had one son and not to blend family finances

Oh please no one is shaming her. We just find it strange she didn’t see this coming. Even in her first post she says I was quite a catch as you can imagine implying she knew they didn’t approve. These are the choices she made, tough for her eldest but it’s not unfair. Growing up (and even now) how many of us had the rich friends that were handed everything to them on a silver platter and we went whining to our parents how unfaaiiiir life was! Unfortunately for her eldest he has to live with and experience it everyday happening right in front of him.

Why do you expect your husband's parents to do what your oldest son's father and his parents haven't?

His father is involved at times, you got child maintenance, why couldn't you ask his father to pay half a driver's ed course?

You have a partially blended family. Your husband's parents aren't your oldest son's grandparents and aren't going to set him up financially like they are doing for their bio grandchildren. They don't see him as a grandchild because he's not. You FIL had an industrial accident and invested his settlement wisely. He paid for that with his body.

Your younger son is going to have to work to maintain a rental property and learn the business skills that requires. Your inlaws have a work ethic they're passing on to him. He's working a part time job at present.

Your oldest seems to be drifting. He's dropped out, works here and there for a bit, and you're moaning that he's not getting things off your husband's parents. Girl. If he wanted driving lessons, he's be working as much as he could to pay for them and a car. He'd be out there mowing lawns and doing whatever he could to add to his driving and car fund.

If you leave your estate to your oldest only, you are telling your youngest that he isn't entitled to your financial support. He can expect nothing from you. That's a harsh truth for a kid to face.

It almost sounds like your oldest is your golden child whom you will enable and excuse.

No one is shaming her. People are pointing out that this is the reality of blended families where there is significant financial disparity, and she did indeed choose to bring her eldest into this situation. She was the one responsible for him, not them.

That doesn’t mean she has done anything wrong (and her DH and in laws haven’t either). It just is what it is.

Blended families are proof writ large that life is unfair. It's a particularly bitter pill for your older son to swallow.

I guess the best you can do is support him to concentrate on his education, training and finding a good career path to encourage him to make his own success.

I do agree that they should have spoken to you both before discussing this with him. But I don't think that it is reasonable to expect your eldest to inherit from your in-laws. He might do, if your husband inherits directly. But I think that would be extremely lucky rather than expected. It's not up to your husband or his parents to make up for eldest's father not paying. That's his father's responsibility alone.

I had this exact conversation with my DH yesterday when discussing how his db was after a break up. His db had step children who were expected to be treated just like every other grandchild, there had been aggro in the past were step children weren’t getting the same kind of financial assistance as other grandchildren as they weren’t eligible to access funds from the family trust set up. In laws actually gave their own personal money to stepchildren to keep BIL and ex happy, it never sat right with me them kicking off. As a family step children were always treat the same for birthdays, christmases, holidays called cousins etc but ultimately they were not biologically grandchildren and when in-laws set the trust up it was to cover their grandchildren’s future, it was set up when oldest was born not knowing how many grandchildren they would eventually have. If BIL wanted to give them money and help out that was his choice.

Now after years of being welcome treat just the same as everyone else, my DCs have grown up calling these children cousins, loved them, BIL and ex wife have split he dosnt see step children due to ex wife refusing, they are old enough to choose but they don’t want to upset their mum and BIL would not push it, he has children of his own so understands their mum comes first to them. They are now no longer involved in any of our lives, one niece still talks to one of the step children at school but that’s it.

Im all for step children being treated equally in day to day life but I do think it’s a big ask to expect grandparents or anyone else to support them financially.

My sister has a son with a very wealthy godfather who has no children himself. He's elderly and planning to leave everything to godson. Her other children accept this and see it as a bit of good luck for their brother, like winning the lotto. Perhaps you could frame it this way?

I do feel for your eldest, that must hurt to feel the difference. Try not to let it impact their relationship though, they're still brothers.

Mumsnet seems obsessed with equal inheritance shares for children - I disagree. I am conscious most of my mum's estate will go to my sister, who needs it more for various reasons. This is fine by me. I would leave more to your eldest son from your own estate, but discuss this with them both beforehand so they understand and there are no surprises - sounds like the surprise of this announcement from the grandparents was the worst part

I'd probably ask them to leave it in their will to him though as a large gift at such a young age could really negatively affect the course of his life.

I do not agree it was at all inevitable your two sons would be treated so differently. He was only 3 and he essentially has no father. This isn’t a ‘blended family’ situation as your older son has no other family.

Why hasn’t your husband formally adopted him? Why hasn’t he addressed this issue with his parents?

I would even go so far to say that the little differences were cumulative and like you, as the years went on it has added up to a very big gap. The psychological impact of this will be absolutely terrible.

I am not wanting my eldest to directly inherit from my in-laws but indirectly through my husband.

They’ve done it deliberately to avoid this.

It’s their money to do with as they see fit. That’s also blended families.

Are you sure they haven’t already spoken to your DH and he was uncomfortable telling you? How did he know that your IL had helped his siblings buy (and not him) and had set up the other cousins?

Your DS equally has a father and grandparents - the ILs could assume if they give your older DS something he technically has more than their grandson as inheriting from double sources?

The poor financial decisions of your feckless ex is not for them to plug. Who knows the grandparents aunt/uncle etc may have made provision for your DS.

OP, try not to feel upset about this.

As you can see most people see your in laws as being quite reasonable in wanting to take care of their own grandchildren. I think fair for them to pass wealth directly into grandchildren to avoid it going (indirectly) to your eldest.

Your eldest has different grandparents, that’s all. It’s no one’s fault that they aren’t as wealthy. Stop trying to make your in laws responsible for him.

It would be best if you encourage your eldest to work harder on himself.

I am not wanting my eldest to directly inherit from my in-laws but indirectly through my husband.

And they didn’t want that, hence why they’ve taken steps to prevent that from happening. Again, this is now very common with blended families, and what their solicitor certainly would have enquired about and advised.

The mistake here was yours. You shouldn’t have assumed anything about inheritance and/or counted on money that was never yours to control. You may be upset and angry that things haven’t worked out as you planned, but don’t project your anger onto them when they haven’t done anything wrong.

You shouldn’t be expecting your son to inherit from your husband. He should inherit from you.

Yes - that is quite a leech-like outlook.

OP, you can earn your earn money!

I'll go against the grain here & say your ILs are being unreasonable. Given your eldest was only three when you got together with their son and has no involvement from his bio dad, I'd imagine they could have treated him as a grandchild? I would in their shoes, unless the mother made it clear she was uncomfortable with that. They're clearly minted so there's plenty to go around. It just all seems a bit sad.

He does have Involvement with his Dad.

I am not wanting my eldest to directly inherit from my in-laws but indirectly through my husband.

You thought your eldest would get some of their estate through your husband and they've bypassed that. Game's up.

It's the grandparents estate and they are choosing to distribute it how they want. They are choosing to leave it to biologically related grandchildren. What you want doesn't matter to them when it comes to their estate.

It was always far more likely that this would happen than not.

The eldest has a relationship with his own father. That his paternal family are lacking in comparison to his brother’s does not mean it was the responsibility of her in laws to make up for that. By the sounds of it they have been kind to him, they just don’t see him as a grandchild because he isn’t.

OP hasn’t said that her husband wanted to adopt him, or that it was something she ever expected to happen anyway. If her children being considered and treated equally was important to her, then this was not a relationship she should have pursued.

I was your oldest son in this situation. I feel truly for him and wish him the best. He can choose his own life and choose the people who will always put him first.