To hate sentimentality about the early years going fast?

[higlandcoo]

Everyone has a different perspective but for me they didn’t go fast at all. The year I had a three year old and a one year old was awful. I worked part time and absolutely dreaded my days ‘off.’

I hate being told I’ll miss it one day. No, I won’t. Life is already infinitely calmer and easier, although we’re not out of the woods yet.

I often feel like I’m the only one!

I've never felt wistful for the toddler years. Even for DS who was a lovely toddler. I'm quite happy he's grown up

18 years since my son was that age. Don't feel differently

I'm with you op. I sometimes feel like it's a kind of cultural gaslighting going on. The selfless loving mother image is very handy indeed for men (and children seem to like it too). If you complain about hardship, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, you aren't following the self sacrificing script and might be guilted for it, or seen as a monster.

I've been through absolute hell for fifteen years with my two boys as a single mother, but people might feel uncomfortable if I say that and I might be seen as a monster not capable of love, so like many women, silence is often wiser. Except on here.

I'm out of the worst now (and it's still fairly bad) but it often felt like being tortured in an isolated prison camp. You couldn't pay me to go back to it!

The absolute loss of personal freedom, severe existential boredom, loss of a sense of self, housework, endless meals and snacks, school runs, fighting children, child centered activities. I could go on.

I too wonder why we don't talk about the years of domestic overwhelm more because I'm convinced those years are what gave me cPTSD and I don't think this is uncommon.

What kind of species are we as humans? We evolved to alloparent (in groups). Now we are often isolated in our own homes and I think this is where the strain comes from. It's a tricky subject because any complaints can be seen as a lack in you

I do realise not every woman has it this hard and many feel it's the best thing ever. That's great for them, but it's not so pleasant for many.

I internally eyeroll people who say such things when it is obvious who they are saying this to is struggling and/or just needs to vent. It is not even a necessary to say, simply ask if there is anything you can do and leave it at that.

I do miss the early years with my oldest and with my middle but only because they were way easier than their ages now at 10 and almost 8. They were much more content and less logistics to worry about out. I didn’t know my oldest was autistic and he rarely ever had tantrums/meltdowns as a toddler like he does now or as many sleep issues. I wasn’t on a constant level of alertness, didn’t have to lock windows all year-round or have to have special locks on the door so they can’t try to escape on a whim. I didn’t have to monitor and repeat myself constantly every school morning to get up and out the door with a cling film toddler who is ridiculously clever wanting to be involved.

If the early years had been harder like it had been, I’d feel the opposite because I could not imagine what it is like to have a colicky baby, a baby with allergies, and other factors that can make the early years difficult. DC3 was a cling film baby and cried the house down whenever anyone (including DH) but me held her for the first nine months which would set off DC1’s sensory issues causing meltdowns. They’ve gotten better as they gets older, and more advanced than their siblings at the same age but I’m much looking forward to them sleeping through the night and placing them in nursery for a few days so I can go back to work and have proper, regular breaks where I’m not constantly on alert and taking a fearless toddler off the furniture and kitchen table half the day.

Completely agree @Yellowhollyhocks instead of community we have people that tell us what is about as sensitive as pull your socks up.

I don’t think it’s new, my nan went quietly depressed during World War Two on her own with her child. Women are starting to evaluate their choices better though because there are open spaces for debating the impacts.

you can see this in the falling birth rates.

Idk. There are some bits I wish I’d appreciated more and been there for more.

In other ways, I’m so happy to have lovely teens now with interests and personalities of their own.

No, I have never missed them being little. Yes, they were cute but they are far more interesting now they are growing up (14,11). I found the early years hard, the demands overwhelming at times. Their growing independence and our companionship brings me more joy now than when they were tiny. I look back on those days and would never want to revisit them, and they were both pretty easy imo. We have got through it thus far, produced two well rounded and happy humans that will go on (hopefully) to bring good things to society. Everyone is different, but for me, that's why I had children.