To hate sentimentality about the early years going fast?

[higlandcoo]

Everyone has a different perspective but for me they didn’t go fast at all. The year I had a three year old and a one year old was awful. I worked part time and absolutely dreaded my days ‘off.’

I hate being told I’ll miss it one day. No, I won’t. Life is already infinitely calmer and easier, although we’re not out of the woods yet.

I often feel like I’m the only one!

I know someone with a new baby who is saying oh I just don’t want them to get a minute older. I thought whoah damn girl, that’s lovely, when she said it - because I never felt that way. That’s possibly because with DC1 I had PND and was very much alone, was so anxious that every week older he got all I felt was a sort of grim relief that we had outrun death. And with DC2 I was just tired and too busy to cherish the time, though I was not PND’d and so slightly more relaxed that no-one would die of cot death or have some terrible mishap. I also thought (accurately) ‘will I fuck miss being awake 20 hours a day.’ However - I feel like if someone handed me a baby now (they’d have to, my body couldn’t cope with birth) I suspect I’d see things differently. Possibly because I’m closer to death than birth myself. Also I wouldn’t be driven into utter terror by my own hormones!

Personally, I don’t see it as sentimentality, which I’ve heard described as ‘the unearned emotion.’ To me, the people who’re looking back saying didn’t it go fast, have all worked like fuck to get through it whether they enjoyed it or not. I think maybe too many of us are still not able to find support, mental space or respite and so cannot fully enjoy the moment. That’s a shame.

Perhaps it’s just the human condition. But either way, every version of a child passes into the ether and disappears into memory, never to be met again. Obvious, yes, but also sad (to me). Occasionally I wish I could encounter little them again, from my older perspective. I would also echo the opinion of the poster who said exams/bullying/hormones are a fuck of a sight more stressful than the keeping them fed, clean and entertained stage. I’d do a bum or jigsaw happily 😀

So despite the new stresses, I do try to gather my rosebuds a bit more now cos time is moving like lightning, it’ll all be over soon and I know I’ll miss these days too. Perhaps it’s mortality, perhaps it’s wanting what we haven’t got. Each to their own, though, you know yourself best, why bother what other people say?

I think it’s that freedom I’ve been pining for a bit.

I think it gets really difficult to do anything that isn’t specifically designed for children once they hit around 12 months. You can’t really go shopping and spend ages wandering around, or go to museums or the cinema or anything like that. So you’re sort of confined to ‘kid land’: the groups and the parks and soft plays and feeding the ducks. It’s sweet but also dull.

God I hated the early years.

I mean, yes, I thought DS was cute, yes I look back at photos and videos and think those specific instances were good times, and I'm glad I got to experience them, but I don't think wow I wish I could go back to those times.

DS is still young, only 6, and I am much preferring living in the present. It feels like it's taken a long time to get to a point where we have mutual understanding, where I don't feel like a zombie, and where I feel like we're at a point where we've fallen into our own little routines and it's not such a slog anymore.

I can't wait to see what he's like when he's older. I'm nostalgic for the future. There are all these things I want to do with him that he's not old enough to do yet, or wouldn't fully enjoy. I get excited when I think about taking him on his first big rollercoaster, or plan a big holiday WITH him and not just for him, and he finds me doing mum things embarassing.

Couldn’t agree more, but it really doesn’t last long even though when you’re in it you feel like it’s an eternity and you (as an individual) are being held hostage!

typo

The older mine got the better i felt tbh.
I dont miss the sleepless nights i hated the school years school runs etc.
I also hated when someone would say your miss this when he grows up NO i wont.
Or when your told your be sad when they move out NO couldn't wait for that part.
My son is 23 next year moved out and got his own life.
Ive enjoyd watching the man he has become.

Its like new chapters and im now on a new chapter for me.
Im 40 next year and im celebrating in Thailand because I can.

Im pleased i had him young and i love him to bits.

But NO amount of money could get me to go back to them days.
Baby toddler days over teen years over its my time now.

We are both on to new chapters in life and i love it.

I agree.
OP come back in 10 years time when you’re dealing with hormonal, angst ridden 16 year olds. Wanting so desperately for them to be happy and successful but having so little control around the things that determine that. (including the choices they make)
Staring at the tail end of their years at home with you.
I love my girls and am fascinated to see the women they are becoming but I deeply miss the small people they used to be.
Of course you feel the way you feel Right now. You’re still in the thick of it. Maybe you’ll always feel that way. But parents who are 10 years ahead of you may quite possibly be right. You may change the way you feel.

It’s obviously both. There are magical wonderful moments with babies and toddlers (as well as an ocean of exhaustion and worry and misery). And those days will never return along with your more youthful years - I think you can mourn stages of your own life as well as your childrens. For me it was one of the most challenging and best bits of my life so far. I’m glad I experienced it - but not mad keen to experience it again. And wistful about it.

You do get that freedom back a bit - when I started going on trips where they could carry their own bags, move at a normal speed, sit on their own without 500 snacks and read, it was a lot more fun.

I know exactly what you mean about being stuck in kid land @higlandcoo - made worse by the fun suckers who insist all kid related events have to be dry these days (not that I’d ever get especially drunk whilst in charge but there’s a sensible
middle ground)…

I was glad when the very early years were done as didn’t find them easy at all. Now they are older and becoming adults I feel sad it’s all done and feel I didn’t cherish it enough at the time. But hey that’s life right.

I’m with you OP (kids age 8 and 4, 4). I am doing my best to enjoy them but there’s a lot that isn’t enjoyable or worth dwelling on.

I would go back to the toddler years in a heartbeat. Everyone kept saying it would be a nightmare when she started walking but I absolutely loved it. But I found the newborn stage hard. I think some of it is tied up in how I felt about myself - I wasn't a confident new mother, I was wracked with anxiety, I was petrified of SIDS, and I had to work so, so hard at being a mum, none of it came 'naturally'. But I was so much more sure of myself in the toddler years and I was patient and soft and loved watching my daughter discover the world and being in it with her.

I miss all that softness and I do miss that she needed me more, and it's almost painful how much I miss the little toddler arms round my neck. Even more so now that she's pulling away a bit, becoming more independent, less cuddly, more argumentative. But I still love her now and how she is now - her chat is second to none, she's a truly funny, personable wee girl, and I love seeing her logically work through developing opinions on and approaches to things.

The upshot is that we're just all different, enjoy different things, have different relationships with our children at different times. I also understand why parents can be desperate for their children to have children - it must be like you get the baby back for a little while.

Mine are older now and I can relate to the sentimentality you are talking about.
I miss the magic and the simplicity of their little problems - for the most part I could fix things for them and their little worlds were so safe. They found everything utterly fascinating and wondrous.

Nowadays, their lives are complex and they navigate situations I can’t be there for. Christmas and things have changed obviously. They are still brilliant people but it does seem like their childhoods went by in a flash.
I cry now at that ABBA song about time slipping through fingers 🙈

Years one and two were the worst of my life, not just of ds's childhood! He's a young adult now so I can definitely say I will never look back on them fondly or miss them. Now he's flipping wonderful and I'm so proud of him, I enjoyed every stage since then but the first couple of years were just horrible.

'No one on facebook can believe their kid is turning any age'

For me it's calling the newborn stage horrible. I absolutely love it and find it easy and enjoyable. I think calling it hard or horrible is .... horrible.

I hate it when people say they get easier as they get older.

No they don’t for everyone. So don’t count your chickens.

I think the pre school years take an absolute age, but once they start school time just speeds up enormously. I really don't know where the last few years have gone. But I agree with you that the very young years were awful, and I much prefer my primary school aged kids. I don't miss the baby/toddler stage at all, but I do occasionally think it's a shame they aren't small enough to properly curl up on my lap for a cuddle anymore, or it's sad that I'll never get to push the pram around again...silly things like that!

But if you suffer from PND and/or have a newborn who doesn't sleep then it genuinely is horrible. I'm glad you had an easy time of it, but not everyone does.

Absolutely. Ours are 30 and 22 now. Where the hell did those years go?

I think it's unreasonable to "hate" others' sentimentality about something just because you don't feel the same way. You're not sentimental about those years, fine (you're not alone). But to hate the fact others do is weird.

Both can be true too. You may have really struggled with really hard stuff and also miss how tiny and cute they were. Not meaning you want to go back to those days with all of the hard stuff, just feeling like they were so so tiny and time flies by and now they seem huge. It doesn't deny the hardship, it's just a little rose tinted looking back.

But it was horrible and hard. It was really tough. That is the actual experiences people live.

Nobody is saying their baby was horrible.

I don't miss the baby years at all! I was bored senseless during maternity leave and cried an awful lot with loneliness.

I wouldn't go back to those days for anything.

But if we hadn't weathered those storms together, I wouldn't have the people they have become in my life either.

However, it would be nice to experience their younger selves again for just a brief moment. But I wouldn't want to repeat any of it!

Of course you can’t envisage feeling any nostalgia as you’re still in the thick of it and not especially enjoying it by the sound of it. I don’t miss the early years, but mine are 32, 21 and 17 and you certainly do look back and wonder where the time went. When your kids don’t need you anymore it’s a mixed feeling for sure. Some parents take it really hard, others ready to move onto next stage. I always tell my colleagues that famous phase the days are long but the years are short because it’s true. You won’t feel it now after 5yrs but you likely will one day. It’s also hard because you realise how your life has passed by, and before you know it you’re facing 5 decades on the planet and realise you’re closer to retirement and death! Try and enjoy it even though its hard, as it certainly will pass you by.

If you’re up every hour then it’s horrible. Some people have little support and very isolated. Life can feel very horrible for them. Think yourself fortunate your experience is different.

I was back at work when she was a week old. I wasn't up at all because I co-sleep and babies sleep soundly when you co-sleep. I didn't try to put baby to sleep in their own crib becuase they never want to and you end up knackered. It's not luck, it's just responding to baby's needs.