To hate sentimentality about the early years going fast?

[higlandcoo]

Everyone has a different perspective but for me they didn’t go fast at all. The year I had a three year old and a one year old was awful. I worked part time and absolutely dreaded my days ‘off.’

I hate being told I’ll miss it one day. No, I won’t. Life is already infinitely calmer and easier, although we’re not out of the woods yet.

I often feel like I’m the only one!

I loved it, but I was a SAHM so didn’t have the work worry. I loved it at the time and 20 years later still look back at those years being the best years of my life so far. DH feels the same.

I can’t watch the film About Time without crying because I’d love to be able to pop back to that time for a day.

What age are your children?

You aren't out of it yet as you admit, so of course you won't be sentimental about it.
Just wait!

The people I knew who were the most "can't wait until they're older" were also the most "my baby growing up <wail> I miss my baby soooooooo much" when they were off to secondary/doing GCSE/off to uni.

I felt the same, especially in the early days as I struggled and it wasn't my favourite time. But now my daughter is 10 and running headlong into the tweens I get it. There's a lot I miss from when she was younger and though I feel like I was as present as I could be while I was struggling, it still feels so fast. I am sentimental about it. When she's older I'll be just sentimental about the ten year old.

I fucking hate though when people make out you'll miss the mess etc. That may well be but in the meantime I'm still the one looking at greasy handprints on the wall. It doesn't mean I don't love my daughter because I would like my walls to be in a presentable condition 😂

To be fair, I felt exactly the same as you at one point. I had 2 under 2, neither slept, I was trying to work full time on 3 hours sleep and I was miserable. I never, ever thought I’d miss those days.
Now they’re teens/pre teens… I absolutely do miss it in a lot of ways. It was exhausting, but it was simple. All I had to do was keep them fed, happy and entertained. There are so many more things that can go ‘wrong’ with older kids, and their emotions are all over the place.

Oldest is nearly five. It has been many things but fast is not one of them!

You're still deep in it. When you have a 15 year old and they're enormous you will definitely look at them and say 'god, how did this giant get into my house??' Those five years will feel minuscule.

You have no idea as you are not out of it at all.

What I find is missing the past is crystallised as you age when you are of an age when you know full well you have more years behind you than in front of you.

And when my eldest was 5 I’d absolutely have said the same as you. Now she’s 14 it’s a whole other ball game.

Amen! They were cute, but my Lord it was hard! I'm enjoying all stages don't get me wrong, but preschool wasn't better than anything else - at least not for me.

When I have a fifteen year old I think I’ll think he got so big because … that’s how life works. I don’t mean to sound like an arse, but kids grow, it’s the way it goes.

I have no desire to go back, I suppose is what I mean. We all like different things. I personally found having two very young children at home immensely stressful, exhausting, manic and overwhelming. I was very very unhappy. So constantly being told that I’ll miss it is annoying.

YANBU. There are quite a few things I look back on with fondness about the DCs childhood days (they are 17 and 20 now) but then I see parents wrangling grumpy toddlers in the supermarket and thank everything I have that that stage is all done with now.
My near enough grown up DCs are fantastic though so it is all worth it in the end.

I completely agree OP. I still have to pinch myself with excitement now that I can have lie ins and no crazy early wake up times. We went on holidays last year year with no buggy for the first time in 12 years and it was amazing. My lovely aunt at stage had three boys under four and they were hyper. She remembers one very stressful day in the park when a well intentioned older lady told her that one day she will look back and miss these days well my lovely aunt says absolutely no she does not look back fondly at those days they were hell at times. Her sons are grown adults now and no she says she does not yearn for the constant chaos and mayhem.

I totally get it. My DD was a nightmare - cried constantly, never slept, touchy as all hell. I was anti-depressants for a time to cope. It is annoying to be told you will miss it, it also sounds vaguely judgemental as though you should enjoy it more while you're in it. I certainly don't intend it that way. You feel how you feel.

But nostalgia is a funny thing. One of the quotes about it is 'its a seductive liar' - it makes you believe a time gone past was better when in fact it was shit. That why older people reminisce about past times that were objectively awful as though they were heaven on earth. There's no rationality to it at all.

I know what you mean OP, circumstances dictated that my DH worked away for much of the early years of my second child’s life. I had a two year age gap and functioned almost entirely alone. I was lucky to be well supported financially as I can imagine struggling with that makes it worse again, wish I’d used more paid childcare and not been so proud. I loved my days off but it was a slog.

Now when I see women with small children (mine are 4 and 6 now) I’m reminded of how deep in the trenches that was for me. I had PND and PNA. It was a dark time. I find parenting gets easier and more joyful with each milestone towards independence and enjoy having them home now. The baby and toddler stage feels like a distant memory.

When I see photos (and there’s plenty) I think how cute they were but it’s always closely followed by remembering how hard it was. I don’t miss it at all.

My children are now young adults.

I do not miss the pre school years. At all.

they were bloody hard work.

Oh, we all feel nostalgic about things. It doesn’t mean that we’d actually want to go back to those days. Or if we did, it would be with the knowledge we have now. For example I sometimes feel nostalgic about the long lazy weekends I had when I was single with no kids but at the time I was very lonely and very anxious about not having a family. If I could go back to briefly visit it would be lovely. If I was transported back with no knowledge that yes, you’ll meet this man and you’ll have two children it would be lonely and depressing.

Exactly. When you're in the trenches with little ones it feels endless, it's only as they get older that you realise how short it really is and then it doesn't seem so bad. That doesn't change how hard it is when you're actually in it though.

I’m glad I took so many photos because they were / are adorable.

But the photographs hide so much. That we went to this group or that park because being at home was unbearable, of the time I once shit myself because I was heavily pregnant and couldn’t wrangle a toddler away from watching a tractor in time to get to the nearest toilet, of feeling exhausted, the dinner time battles, tantrums …

It may have been short for you. It wasn’t for me.

Your kids are still very young and you’re in the trenches. I remember that feeling. And then my son turned 18 and left for university and I felt like I had blinked and he’d grown up.

come back in 14 years and tell us how you’re feeling about it all then.

100% agree with this; it’s used as a stick to beat women with (never men!) and it’s meaningless. Of course life is a series of moments which can’t be lived again - no shit!!

I think as parents we probably all have preferences about the age and stage of our children … to me, the early weeks weren’t madly exciting as babies just sleep, eat, shit! Once my children were learning to talk, developing their own little characters more, it was all more fun.

then again as they went to school, then onto university … all really fun, interesting stages, and I welcomed their growing independence.

@higlandcooi think I get what you mean though - sometimes those very early years are over sentimentalized. Or worse, like I say, they’re used to guilt trip mums from having any life apart from their babies. Personally I always worked and maintained a life of my own. My children were and always will be the most important thing in my life but not the only thing.

The point I'm making is that it wasn't short, until my kids grew up and then I had a different view on it. If your eldest is five you're still very much within it.

It doesn't matter what I think though ultimately. You may feel it was short, you may not.

You seem so certain that I will want to go back to feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, tearful, stressed, my work suffering, my friendships suffering, my relationships suffering, why?

Why can’t you accept that I had a different experience from you?

I think this is why I started the thread: there’s this absolute refusal to accept that some women have a shit time with the early years! It’s always - oh, it goes so fast, doesn’t it? Did you cry? You’ll miss it …

Not necessarily- my oldest is 17 and I found the baby years pretty grim and they went on forever. People telling me to enjoy every second as it only gets worse as they get older nearly sent me over the edge. I now have 2 teens who are a bloody delight.

I love each year seeing how they have grown and progressed and we spend a lot of time having fun as a family. Also looking forward to seeing them grow into adults. Obviously I coo at their baby photos when they pop up but I wouldn’t turn the clock back for a second.