Don't want to attend best friend's wedding...

[FrogInAHat23]

My best friend (we’ll call her F) of 25 years has decided to get romantically involved with the guy who is my boss and old school friend (we’ll call him M).
I tried to warn F initially about M – he’s got a strong (what I believe to be) narcissistic streak where he refuses to take responsibility or accountability when he’s in the wrong. He also needs to be seen as the smartest guy in the room. I’d butted up against this at work, and so had my colleagues, so much so that people had been talking to their union reps about him. He has a dictatorial management style and insists he knows best, and has made some really crappy decisions we have to live with. As you might expect, his behaviour at work put a huge strain on our friendship outside of it but I wasn’t surprised, since I’d seen this side of him before. I never wanted him involved in my work life – he took the position without me even knowing (I worked at the firm first).

F and M are about 2 years into their relationship now. M and I are no longer on good terms since he’s caused such chaos at work, but I did try and repair this rupture since F and I are friends. M and I ended up having an email exchange where he just blame-shifted, deflected, and essentially made me out to be the problem. I wasn’t surprised by this, unfortunately.

(This was ChatGPT’s assessment of his email:
"He is presenting himself as reasonable, willing, even patient while subtly painting you as the one who is overly critical, withholding, or unreasonable. It’s clever positioning — his words look conciliatory on the surface, but the subtext is that the problem lies with you and how you’re approaching him. He’s not meeting you in the middle, he’s more concerned with protecting his self-image than with genuinely understanding your perspective. There’s a thread of defensiveness and blame-shifting throughout.")

F really wants me at her small, intimate wedding. They’re not engaged yet, but she wants to get married and she's desperate for him to propose. She was bridesmaid at mine, and she wants me to be maid of honour; I’m her closest friend. I want her to be happy, and I have to trust she’s making the right decisions for herself romantically.

I know it’s only a day, but I’m not sure I can stomach it.

AIBU?

Oh dear, let's hope he doesn't propose 🤞. Failing that, as soon as she tells you the date, get a holiday booked and tell her your partner/family member booked it as a surprise for you and it's all paid for. It worked for me!

You say you are desperate not to upset your best friend so it’s an easy one, agree to be her maid of honour. Moreover, he may not propose, even if he does,you are unlikely to have to see much of him at the wedding even if small, also he may be nicer to you at work and presumably you’re looking for a new job.

I'd go for a best friend of 25 years.
Especially when there's a chance she'll be on the receiving end of his behaviour at some point.
I'd want to be there for her which makes it easier for her to reach out when he's true colours come out.

Like you said, it's one day, and you're there for her, not him.

Rise above him and support your friend, don't let him control your friendship as he'd love to see you drop her despite what he says.

You need to go both for your best friend but also your job.

She’s your friend you should stand by her side. It sounds like you’ve made your feelings known, you cannot force her to change her mind. Please let her know you will be there for her always, being at her wedding will show her that.

I think at this stage you could insist on a plus one invitation to the wedding, which would allow a buffer between him and you (all assuming he doesn't make it impossible to attend by not permitting you annual leave or something).

That would allow you to do the being there for your friend thing - important in case he tries to isolate her / their relationship otherwise goes wrong.

I think moving jobs if/when you can is the ultimate fix to the issue. Are there any side ways options in your current firm?

Not even engaged.. it's all hypothetical.

This….. I was in a similar situation and I stood by my friend on her wedding day with a smile on my face. I did it for her and only her to make sure she knew I was there for her, even though I wasn’t “sold” on the relationship. Fast forward they are now divorced and I supported her through a tough few years piecing herself back together after being married to a cruel narcissistic man. Our relationship has stood the test of time and we are still going strong 35 years later.

IF they get engaged, and IF they make it down the aisle, she will need her friends when the inevitable happens….. do it for her.

I think its kind of odd that you would even consider not going. People have always attended weddings of marriages they are convinced wont last. Who your friend decides to marry is up to her. Unless you are concerned for your safety then I dont see why you wouldn’t go in order to support your friend.

I had a similar situation where I was concerned it wasn’t the best decision (not about the guy per se more the speed) so I spoke my piece but did act as bridesmaid when my friend decided to go ahead anyway. Unsurprisingly it all went wrong very quickly but it was her mistake to make.

Sometimes if people come up against lots of opposition they can dig their heels in and see it as ‘us against the world’ and that makes them closer and more determined.

No but shes saying she can't pretend to be happy when she can see her friend is throwing her life away on an asshole

The phrase 'Don't cross your bridges till you come to them s'springs to mind!
But it isn't about you. It is about your friend. If you don't mind losing her friendship,don't go to her wedding. Assuming there is a wedding.

You're not being an arsehole. It's great you're looking out for your friend. I wish someone else could see the signs when I was with my narcissist. I probably wouldn't have wanted to listen at the time but at least you'll be there for her when she'll need it further down the line

As soon as she tells you when the wedding is, if it happens, say aww no thsts the month I’ve booked to go to Tahiti. Shame.
if he is a narc it prob won’t happen anyway.

I agree, and it's scary that some people no longer seem to be able to work anything out for themselves.

What planet are some of you living on? Her friend will marry this man whatever OP does, she won't achieve anything by making a stand and not supporting her at her wedding. All she will do is possibly lose a good friend.

Why do people have to run everything through chat GPT? It's A.I not a person and it cannot grasp the full situation off of anything.

Use your critical thinking skills.

Chat GPT will not tell you whether you are being reasonable. It is designed to tell you only positive things about yourself, i.e. what you want to hear. If he had put the exchange through ChapGPT, it would have told him the complete opposite. You're very naive.

AI is not a second opinion. It will only tell you flattering things that make you out to be the hero/victim. It absolutely cannot - by design - tell you that you are being unreasonable.

It's not hard to "use" ChatGPT. It is mortifying that you don't seem to understand what it is/how it works. It will only give you unconditionally positive feedback about yourself and your actions.

Wow. I would be fully involved and the greatest MoH ever in order to be a good friend.

CHAT GPT IS NOT DESIGNED TO BE REASONABLY OBJECTIVE.

Sheesh, reading this thread, I think a public intervention is needed to explain AI to the Mumsnet audience.

Not to mention subtleties of language are not AIs strong point. Straight forward questions where it can find answers on line and present the most frequent answers is what it is good at, deciphering human emotions and intent not so much.

He actually sounds like a decent person. You might want to reevaluate your own behaviour.

But that's assuming you're in the right. Maybe she's heard his side about your behaviour in the workplace, and doesn't agree with your analysis.

Disagreeing with someone or not having the same perspective as them is not gaslighting. Gaslighting would be if you said something objective happened, and he tried to convince you that it didn't (e.g. a client meeting was on X date, your salary is x amount, not that you share a different understanding of a subjective situation).