Don't want to attend best friend's wedding...

[FrogInAHat23]

My best friend (we’ll call her F) of 25 years has decided to get romantically involved with the guy who is my boss and old school friend (we’ll call him M).
I tried to warn F initially about M – he’s got a strong (what I believe to be) narcissistic streak where he refuses to take responsibility or accountability when he’s in the wrong. He also needs to be seen as the smartest guy in the room. I’d butted up against this at work, and so had my colleagues, so much so that people had been talking to their union reps about him. He has a dictatorial management style and insists he knows best, and has made some really crappy decisions we have to live with. As you might expect, his behaviour at work put a huge strain on our friendship outside of it but I wasn’t surprised, since I’d seen this side of him before. I never wanted him involved in my work life – he took the position without me even knowing (I worked at the firm first).

F and M are about 2 years into their relationship now. M and I are no longer on good terms since he’s caused such chaos at work, but I did try and repair this rupture since F and I are friends. M and I ended up having an email exchange where he just blame-shifted, deflected, and essentially made me out to be the problem. I wasn’t surprised by this, unfortunately.

(This was ChatGPT’s assessment of his email:
"He is presenting himself as reasonable, willing, even patient while subtly painting you as the one who is overly critical, withholding, or unreasonable. It’s clever positioning — his words look conciliatory on the surface, but the subtext is that the problem lies with you and how you’re approaching him. He’s not meeting you in the middle, he’s more concerned with protecting his self-image than with genuinely understanding your perspective. There’s a thread of defensiveness and blame-shifting throughout.")

F really wants me at her small, intimate wedding. They’re not engaged yet, but she wants to get married and she's desperate for him to propose. She was bridesmaid at mine, and she wants me to be maid of honour; I’m her closest friend. I want her to be happy, and I have to trust she’s making the right decisions for herself romantically.

I know it’s only a day, but I’m not sure I can stomach it.

AIBU?

There is a big difference between being a reasonable acquaintance in larger parties and group trips, and the ‘top’ supporter of the bride. Would you see him socially in the run up to any wedding? Would that be uncomfortable?

The friend sounds selfish as she refuses to acknowledge his behaviour or show up for you. He’s also unreasonably expecting you to placate his partner without modifying his behaviour or attempting to repair that friendship. If you are ‘just’ acquaintances then that could be fine - but it does not tally with being part of the wedding party.

You would massively be BU if you don’t go to your best friend’s wedding and show your support for her.

Yes, it’s sad and frustrating that you have a horrible relationship with him and he seems like a nightmare to work with, but the wedding isn’t about you. She was there for yours and regardless of your feelings about him, you need to suck it up and show up for your friend.

Your friendship with her is more important than your disdain for him.

I’m not sure I could forgive my friend for not coming to my wedding bc she didn’t like my choice of partner.

I’m currently wedding planning and it’s stressful having to deal with so many people’s weird desires to have control, kick off, or get overly involved in things that don’t concern them. One of my friends is refusing to come bc I didn’t ask her to one of my bridesmaids.

Don’t give your friend more to stress about when she starts wedding planning.

Poor advice from AI aside, I think the only thing for the OP to do is take the energy she is putting into worrying about a wedding that may never happen and re-direct it to finding a new job. I know it feels unfair and I know you were there first but your friendship will not survive if you continue working with him, and if their relationship goes south you are going to find yourself in an even more difficult position than you are now. You've got to get out. Sorry.

In my experience you just need to suck it up and be there for your best friend. My best friend who I have known since early childhood married someone we both went to high school with. We were in separate social circles at high school and he'd been in my circle rather than hers and he was a nasty piece of work then, but she hadn't seen that side of him. I warned her before they started dating in our early twenties, I slated him when they split up, but then they made up, got married and I was (quietly reluctantly) her bridesmaid. Within ten years of them getting together they were divorced. Another twelve years on we are still best friends. No idea what happened to him, but I am glad I was there for her when the shit hit the fan, which wouldn't have been the case if I'd refused to attend her wedding.

I was chief bridesmaid at my best friend's wedding and he is an a hole. They have been married 39 years. Who knows what makes couples work together

Just to add… I’ve read some of your previous replies and if you don’t actually consider her a best friend, as you said in your title, and you are looking to distance yourself, then not going to the wedding would certainly achieve that. It might make you look petty to those who don’t know the full story, though.

If you want to phase your friend out of your life without drama, try to be less available. Try and meet up with others in your friendship group so you don’t lose that connection to them. Put the energy you give her into your other friendships. When she makes plans with you, invite your other friends so it’s less one-on-one time with your friend.

You don’t have to have a fall out or a big drama, you can just let yourselves drift apart. Or rather, manage your friendship into a “drifting apart” set up.

I wrote my initial reply under the impression this was your best friend who you wanted to keep in your life. Apologies if it’s not at all applicable!

I would imagine that he would be as unenthusiastic as you are about you playing a major part in his wedding day as you are; if this engagement actually happens, he sounds manipulative enough to ease you out of the scenario.
My suspicion is that the imminent proposal is wishful thinking on your friend's part.
In the nicest possible way, would a blissed out young lover be wanting more time clinging to her friend, rather than spending as much time as possible with the love of her life? The neediness she is showing seems to show an underlying sense of insecurity about her relationship.
Try to support her and be steadfast when the cracks begin to show; I suspect they are already there.

OMG! They're not even actually engaged! This is precisely the OTT nonsense that pees me off. Wait until something actually happens!? If your boss is actually as bad as you say, he won't want a small wedding anyway.

I wanted a small wedding with family, close friends and a meal, honeymoon, then a big party when we got home. So did my ex originally - but then it got out of control.

How would he feel about you being MoH? That could be an almighty blow up waiting to happen ….
If she mentions again bring it up that you don’t have a great relationship & it could be awkward/ cause an argument between them. Bit of thought on her side will realise that is the case & 🤞 subject will go away

Bloody hell, she only ran an email through ChatGPT. She didn’t burn down a rainforest.

😂!

Have you got a partner OP? Just back off the discussion a bit anyway. Many a slip twixt cup and lip. You wouldn’t have to be MOH anyway - just say that’s too much for you and you’d rather relax and enjoy. It’s only a day.

I’d also be interested in ChatGPT’s assessment of her email to him seeing as AI’s opinion is apparently so important to her. It’s weird to use AI to interpret the tone of an email and horrifying if people doing so is where we’re headed.

He probably is awful, OP, but it sounds like you’ve got it in for him. You’re even using AI to further convince yourself that he’s terrible. That’s not good.

I think your therapist is right, you need space from them both. And horrible though it is, I'd be looking hard for another job too. He's not going to get any better, is he...

Does everyone else really see your boss as you do? Or is your judgement of him coloured by your dislike of him? Have you approached HR about your his behaviour? If he is an incompetent narcissist, others will support you, or will have already complained about him. Your friend obviously doesn't see him as the ogre you do. You have to decide if you want to support your friend and attend her wedding, which may make you feel uncomfortable, or don't attend and jeopardise your friendship.

She actually sounds like a perfect match for him.

Its all about her.
Telling you what you can and cannot talk about.

I wouldn't dream of going to the wedding.
I would step back from her completely and wish her well.

I would document his behaviour carefully.
Consider raising a grievance.
Talk to ACAS for advice about wotk and how to handle him.

There is no way around this.
She has chosen him and on any terms.

She doesn't sound the least bit nice.

I have two very nice dear friends that married sarcastic pricks.
It definitely rubbed off on them.

Both of them made one too many little funny digs at me and that was it.
I was brutal.
When asked by them to meet up I said no thanks and never responded to any further efforts.

Even after 25 years, people can change, and while you may share a lovely history, they are not who you want to be around now.
I have run into them a couple of times over the past 15-20 years and been very pleasant, but I never regretted my decision.

Going to that wedding would be a huge mistake.
Step away now. She's more like him than you realise.

Some people are vastly different in their personal lives to how they present at work (I was absolutely floored to find out that my lovely aunt is seen as a bit of a tyrant at work when a friend ended up working under her).

But even if he is a dick through and through, it shouldn't stop you from being there for your friend.

He may be that way with you and completely different to your friend. Leave them to it.

You know any such “joke” would just make him look a tw@t … might make him uncomfortable. But if everyone knows. They’d know!

If you dont go you are playing right into his hands.

Or you could read the OP's updates. I'll leave you to it.

If he is as you said, don't worry about the wedding, he will convince her to drop the friendship with you well before he propose. That what manipulative narcissistic do.

I think you might be right :( Having regular therapy has been an eye-opener, I do see some self-absorbed traits in her. I think our relationship worked better when I was less self-aware and more of a people-pleaser. I think advocating for myself (however unpopular) is going to cause issues. I want some space, but she's clinging on harder than ever; I don't think we can sustain this friendship long term the way it is. I could see us being less close and that would suit me just fine, I don't want some big blow up argument.

Also good for you for having boundaries with your friends - I think the technical term for those funny little digs is 'negging' and those remarks are designed to undermine us while the 'friend' holds on to plausible deniability (e.g. "I wasn't serious!") I didn't notice those remarks before, but I do now.

Exactly, from the sounds of him it may never happen…..

Some people have little to think about