To cut off a friend who regularly just stops talking to me?

[KindButDone]

Last weekend, a friend of mine (let’s call her B) was meant to come round, we’d made plans and I was looking forward to it. The day before, she just stopped talking to me. No message, no “sorry I can’t make it”, nothing. And it’s not the first time.

This is a recurring pattern. Every few months, she goes quiet, completely ghosts me and stays that way for weeks or even months. When she’s in these phases, she doesn’t pick up calls or reply to texts. Then eventually she resurfaces like nothing happened.

And the thing is, when we’re talking and good, we’re really good. We get on well, she’s kind and fun to be around. But this hot and cold cycle is starting to feel emotionally exhausting.

We’ve spoken about it multiple times. She always says sorry and promises it won’t happen again but here we are, again.

It’s not like we’ve had a falling out. There’s no explanation, just complete silence.

AIBU to think this is reason enough to cut ties? Or is this something I should be more understanding about? I’m all for giving people space but I also think basic communication is the bare minimum in a friendship. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

I would silently cut her out.

Just ghost her back

YANBU. She can prioritise herself but so can you.

I would just stop responding completely.

When contact has resumed… you haven’t raised this with her?

She stood you up, with no reason. That is rude.

The question is, do you like this person enough to put up with the rudeness. I value my own time, and have let people go who mess me around like this. No-one needs the upset.

I am the person who regularly stops talking.

Honestly you'll save yourself a lot of heartache by just not responding when she does get back in touch.

I do it because of my own issues, but that doesn't mean that it's right to hurt other people, it's absolutely fine to prioritise yourself here, she, most likely, won't change.

Yanbu i couldn't be doing with that shit not as an adult

I did mention in the OP that we’ve spoken about it multiple times, this isn’t a case of me avoiding the conversation.

So when you raise it, does she explain why she does it? Is she going quiet on everyone during these times (possibly forgiveable as it would suggest she is troubled) or just you? If it is the latter, you’re absolutely your rights to cut her off.

Well, you've raised it with her, which is sensible. And she's continuing to do it despite apologies. So if you are adult and have talked about it and nothing's changing, it's time to step back.

Don't accept being treated like crap. You deserve better than that.

The OP explicitly states that she has - "multiple times".

People like your friend generally don't change without a lot of therapy. If she's not doing that work, don't expect her to change. Just reduce contact. I've become a lot less tolerant with people like this the older I get. We've all got shit going on. They're really not as special as they think they are.

I've friends who retreat into themselves when they're feeling low but they don't make plans and vanish without a word. What she's doing is just really fucking rude.

She always brushes it off or says she didn’t realise. But it’s never during a troubled period, her actual life circumstances haven’t changed. And no, it’s not something she’s doing with everyone, just me. So yes, that’s what’s made me reconsider continuing the friendship.

I think some people are like this and at some point you should have to accept it if you value the frienship? If she says sorry that's something. Some people are like this and may go through down periods where they can't socialise. Have you tried asking why she does this? I think work out what's your ego and what's long term what you want for you and her.

No reaching out, zero contact and ghost her back when she realises you haven’t came looking this time.

You need to learn to tell people that you need space to deal with whatever it is.

Yes, I’ve asked why she does this. Several times. The answer is always vague (“I didn’t realise/sorry, I was just in a weird place”) but it never leads to any lasting change.

I completely understand that people go through tough or low periods and I’m not someone who expects constant contact. But this is a pattern over years and it’s only me she goes silent on. She’s still active on socials, still seeing other friends, I’ve checked in with mutuals.

At some point, it’s not about ego, it’s about whether the friendship feels reciprocal or not. And right now, it just doesn’t. Apologies don’t mean much if the behaviour repeats without accountability.

Well in that case, it’s bizarre you have sucked this rudeness up for years

I can't, I don't even know I need space until I take a day or two, then feel awkward because its been a couple of days, so I leave it longer to try and build myself up to make contact, then its been too long...

I just don't bother making friends anymore and I am much happier, and so is everyone else.

You could explain to her very clearly how her behaviour makes you feel and tell her that if it happens again you will finish the friendship. The scenario you’ve described isn’t fair on you emotionally and , by giving her an explanation and a warning, you’ve behaved in a fair manner . That’s my view anyway

I think if I was you, I’d take a real long time in responding once she gets back in touch with you. See how she likes it!

I have a friend like this. But she moved abroad. And we wipl talk werkley and then she ghosts me for 2 months and then acts blaze about it. When she is going through somwthing she contacts me and I am there same day to speak. But the other way around she just ignores me or just sends an emoji!
I have stepped away now. She used to be my BFF before she moved away. But before that we were friends for 18 years. I only have 2 friends with that kinda long standing friendship so it is sad to loose her but she is abroad and she chooses not to come back to visit.

I did that with my mate and it didn't work. 😂

I had a big falling out with a very long term friend. She reached out, we messaged and I felt it might be okay. Then she upset me again, wouldn't discuss it properly, wouldn't listen when I tried, was snide. I planned to meet to see in real life how it would be. Not heard back from her and it's been a couple of months. I'm done. I was reading a book about a friend who had fallen out with her friend and she was dying. I considered messaging her to say about the book. I thought about how I'd feel if she was dying. I realised if I found out too late I'd have no regrets. So I'm done. It's highly unlikely she'll message me but if she does I'll think about replying. She's completely wrong about why the friendship is over after many years.

If she hasn’t got time to be your friend ? Is she the type of friend you want ?.